I feel People no i have psychiatric problems & no about my history so treat me badly, or are ostracising me for other reasons - how can i deal with it ?
How would you react & survive in an area where alot of people acted strange & aloof towards you maybe because they knew about you and your psychological problems.....and stigma existed about you ?
im 30, had a very hard, traumatic life, suffer with BPD and ptsd, i live alone in a one bedroom flat on disability, i dont own much possessions except an old computer, a few books etc...no carpets on the floor.
i was bullied and victimised severley throughout my life, in secondary school i fought blacks and was also targeted and victimised by gangs of them very often.
because of that experienced, unfortunatly, regretably, i bottled up a lot of rage & i used to have rage attacks and outbursts in public many years ago.,,,,id lash out at strangers....feel i was being threatened....disconnect with mmy surroundings.....get jealous of happy people......pick fights act aggressive and basically lose control of my conduct ' completley' in public.
sadly this happened many times, and ive been very lucky not to end up in serious trouble.
the outbursts caused people to ostracise me, point and laugh at me....avoid me....socially exclude me.....cause me to get publically attacked many times by loutish rogues......causing me public embarressment & humiliation..
this was about 8 years ago, and was because i bottled up anger for years when i was being severley bullied growing up...and at the amount of sheer times i was victimised bullied..
im now building my life from scratch....ive never been employed...never achieved qualifications.....never formed ANY relationships at all in life....ive achieved nothing only suffered.
i have a minor criminal record.
my long term ambition once i had therapy is to emigrate from the united kingdom with a decent paying job....somewhere near the coast.
but meanwhile, here in the areas where i live right now, ive put up with what i feel is echoes of the behaviour i experienced of the past and i dont no how to handle it sometimes, except become angry and aggressive.
i feel labelled, stigmatised, like theres something documented about me as someone to avoid....even though i have no proof of that.
alot of people, the general public are quite aloof, abrupt, distant and unfriendly towards me.
people cross the road if i walk on same side of road sometimes, library clerks...shop attendants...cashiers are all abrupt, aloof....speak down to me , not speak ' to ' me..
condescend me if im dealing with authority figures , like ive lost my own mind and not aware of myself anymore.
people are standoffish....i get funny stares from blacks sometimes or other members of the public.....like im an alien and dont belong in the same environment.
this really confusses, upsets and aggrevates me as ive put up with this for years and ive made great improvements with my behaviour and anger on my own...without therapy.
i feel alienated & ostracised....i realise not all are like this but most seem to be....even the ones that are nice, it seems a false niceness like they feel sorry for me & because they see whats happening to me..
i try not to be aloof back to people but its hard when you been through what i have...i feel very wary & distrustful. understandably.
i really cant wait for the day i can emigrate from the uk, with a good job and a better life because of all this.
i feel people treat me like the village jester, someone to ridicule, poke fun at...the butt of all laughs and jokes.
ive survived a horrific existance you must understand....i try to readabout hollacaust survivors because i feel so alone in my pain and torment....no one i meet or hear about has survived the torture i have,,
ive suffered mental abuse, physical bullying, rejection , ALL MY LIFE- NO RESPITE, NO BREAKS.
im waiting for therapy right now, have come along way in managing my rage...somedays it surfaces though because of the severe ptsd...which i regret because i work hard to stay in control all the time.
i have other burdens like an injured ankle, torn ankle ligaments...i had an mri scan on it last week...have to be careful how i walk on it...otherwise i can twist it and go down.
my life as been a living nightmare & the only things what keep me hanging on is my future goals of emigration eetc.
but meanwhile, how can i handle peoples strange behaviour towards me which is not going away ?
could i be stigmatised or ostracised ?
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