How can i handle the fact i let myself down with my rage slip up yesterday ?

Question

its something i tried to work hard on for years without therapy, i know what causes it : seeing people happy living there lives, feeling jelous.....feeling paranoid im being alienated by people....aloof behaviour towards me from others............repressed anger from in the past when i was severley bullied...

heres what happened yesterday :

iam probablly to stigmatised to ever achieve my dreams, that fact that people are aloof, stand offish everywhere i go ?

just to fill you in, heres the background of my life & what ive been through so far :

ive live all my life in pure misery, suffered catalogue and catalogue of bad events and trauma.....severe bullying and abuse over a long time....physical attacks......head injuries......time in a psychiatric hospital because of a breakdown........and i said thing to psychiatrist that sounded bad to scare them so i would get help.......so they sent me to a psyche hospital......i spent 18 months in there.

suffered bad epidodes of rage attacks in public due to pent up anger all the years i was bullied.....id lash out.......lose it in public.....cause myself public embarressment and humiliation......get attacked off strangers.....get laughed at......back then virtuakky everyone in society was ostracising me and rejecting me......i think because of my behaviour..

im 30 years old now.....and live alone in a one bedroom flat on disability......i dont have much....except an old computer......no carpets on floor etc.

throughout my life ive always suffered ' extreme ' low self worth i think because of what i went through.......i get to clingy...to attached to obsessive with people.....and coupled with my mood swings its always caused me to be rejected...........im very self absorbed...very inward looking.....get very angry if someone rejects me and take out bad moods on them or feel the urge to slag them off verbally if they reject me..

because of this, ive never built up any relationships at all.......i deeply fear rejection....so im scared to try to talk to people..

i have nothing and no one.....i get deeply lonely at night......i feel very insecure about my future.......i feel i have nothing to offer anyone.

i have no qualifications....never studied...missed out on schooling, because of bullying.

never been employed..

i have an injured ankle....torn ankle ligaments......waiting to hear about treatment....have to watch how i walk..

have a crooked little finger due to an injury years ago......2 missing teeth at the front because of an accident...bottom row.

the only positive thing is that im waiting for psychotherapy, right now.

alot of people are still aloof, abrupt, stand offish towards me........like im being socially excluded almost.

i feel because of my past that im labelled and theres a stigma that follows me around.....although i cant proove it.

i dont no how to deal with people who are aloof, abrupt and condescending and rejecting of me.....accept to feel aggressive towards them....but i control it.

i spend each and every day isolated and lonely, i stay in all the time due to ptsd and bad anxiety...also because of intense rage feelings.

i was diagnosed with BPD and ptsd before xmas.

i have no one except my aging ill mother......who cant do much for me no more....and a good internet friend ive known for 2 years in americas whos been very good to me....i can tell her anything and she always tries to help...and has never judged or rejected me.

my only goals in life once im ok, is to leave the united kingdom for good, emigrate with a ok paying job to somewhere quiet and coastal.

Answer 1

I don't have rage per se but when I miss my meds, I am hellon earth, a total *****.  My husband will even take the kids away for the day when I am like this.  I see myself like this, I hear myself talk, but it isn't me and while I am being horrible, I also feel horrible for acting the way that I am.

I feel like I am going to explode, my nerves will be taut with anger and anything and everything will set me off.  I'll hate everything and everyone.

What do I do?

This may sound silly, but I do deep breathing exercersizes.  I meditate.  Meditation is very good for releasing negative energy and bringing in good energy.  Plus it gets you "out of your body and mind for a while.  It feels wonderful to just let go.  I don't know if you know anything about meditation but it is worth looking into.

Also, I suggest writing things out in a journal or just on a piece of paper.  Writing things down gets things out of your system, it does help.  You may even discover things that you didn't even realize you where feeling.

It's good that your going to be getting help.  Talking with someone will also be good for your mind.  It is great to speak to someone with an unbiased opinion.

Answer 2

yeah,  I didn't read it a but I have an amost simiar story,   I fee ike people think Im a horribe person,  some ca me creep or psycho,  or some just laugh,  i burned my bridges by lying becuase i didn't want to expain myself, ,so peope take it personaly i don't know,  I guess things aways seem worse then they seem,  i hope

Answer 3

you post the same thing time after time after time ...

im guessing you also try to tell people you know all of this aswell ... ( would you like to be around some one who was constantly whining about how terrible their life was? ).. a lot of folk have rough lifes some a lot worse than yours but they get on with life and dont use it as an excuse to behave as they want too .. stop finding excuses and get over yourself, believe it or not people dont owe you anything they are not put on this earth to offer you anything, life does not owe you anything ... anything achieved in life has to be earned.

i doubt that you are actually looking for advice or help... merely looking for some one to agree with you that its ok to wallow in your own self pity and looking for folk to feel sorry for you... i say this because of the amount of posts saying the exact same things over and over again ... also by the answers you pick...

news flash ... as youve been told time and time again its not ok to wallow in self pity...

stop being so agressive to people and they will react better towards you... stop walking around with a chip on your shoulder...start thinking not of what others can or should do for you but what you can do for them. start focusing on the good things in life. stop blameing others or situations or disorders for your own short comings... your lack of education is something you can choose to remedy... your anger to the world is something you can choose to remedy... your selfishness is something you can choose to remedy ( quote ... i have no one except my aging ill mother......who cant do much for me no more... err why should she be expected to do anything for you????) your teeth is something you can choose to remedy...

get a dentist enroll in night classes learn some anger managment find a hobby, exersise ( this can be done at home initially if it makes you more comftable ) do some charity work, and buy your poor mum some flowers or make her a thank you card.

your life is something that you consistantly choose... and untill you choose to accept actual real advice and make changes it will continue the same as its always been. stop looking for vindication of your behaviour and start looking at how to change it. stop feeling so sorry for yourself and take steps to make changes

im guessing that once again you will choose to listen to folk that offer you the pity and the vindication your looking for instead of an answer that actually gives you some wake up and smell the roses, constructive advice