How can i help my Marine boyfriend with his PTSD ?

Question

I live with my boyfriend who just came home from Iraq, i noticed that certain things have changed about him and I'm pretty sure that he is suffering from PTSD. He is having mood swings and has a bad temper. The other night he freaked out on me and told me that i had to get rid of all my stuff except 5 pairs of clothing and keep only what i need to live...... when i asked him why he said that everything else would be too much to carry.... and he refers back to when he was over in iraq and only needed a small amount to live......... I'm not allowed make-up, jewelry or anything like that. i got rid of my stuff to make him happy. I want to help him but I'm not sure how or what not to say, this was his first deployment and this has never happend to us before. what should i say or avoid saying what should i do to help?

Answer 1

I basically agree with Andy and  Smiley above except that whether you deserve the same guy back that you started dating or not is may be true but it is not going to happen.  It sounds like he had a bit of a rough time and once exposed to that he will never be the same.  After all he is still human with both strengths and weaknesses.  PTSD  is basically a normal reaction to abnormal experiences.  If he has been back for more than 6 months and this is still going on, he needs help now.  If less than 6 months maybe it will get better with time.  That being said, the reason he needs help now is that without help he will start to make his suffering into a "way of life."  Just to get through the days.  The longer it goes on the more difficult it is to change.  

He probably does not believe that you could possibly understand because you were not there.  Right or wrong you might as well accept that because that is what most combat vets believe.

What can you do?  If possible talk with some of his buddies who were there with him or at least are veterans.

See if they can help.  Check out groups like Vet To Vet.

For your own saftey when he needs space, give it to him.  You can tell him what you observe in his behavior but this is best said when he is functioning well.  Remember also that everything he has been through does not in ANY WAY give him the right to endanger you or anyone else.  Do not ever tolerate that abuse under any circumstance.  

I am state Chaplain of the Vietnam Veterans of America.  PTSD is a grave concern of mine in this new generation of veterans.  I have seen many of my friends go both ways.  Some have not grown a bit since they came home.  (substance abuse, spousal and child abuse, even criminal behavior)  Others have learned how to live with their problem and have loving normal families, responsible jobs, and basic happiness.  

If I had to guess right now your bf is terrified of what might happen if he were to let his emotional guard down.  He probably wonders if he could ever regain control of his emotions.  Also he may have fallen for the I'm a marine and too tough to seek help.  I need to do this on my own.   He needs to understand that true courage is certainly not just the lack of fear.  Courage is what we are able to accomplish in spite of that fear.  Plain lack of fear sounds like stupidity or else being under desperate orders to hold this ground at all costs.  As a marine he would fight the battle so that he would live to fight another day by assessing the reality of the situation his men are facing.  He would call for support, he would evade the enemy until terms were more in his favor and manipulate the situation to gain some advantage.  A good soldier or marine would never give up until the objective were taken.  He would not fight a battle there is not chance to win.  He would do everything in his power to change those odds of winning to his favor.

In this situation his advantage would be to understand the nature of his problem, admit he can not do it alone, and be willing to accept help from a trained counselor.  

My prayers are with you and your man.

Answer 2

This definitely sounds like PTSD, and from what you describe, too much to handle on your own, and (to absolutely no fault of your own) you probably won't be able to help him all on your own either. Don't be embarassed to ask for help from a professional - it's not your boyfriends fault he's acting this way, and it's not yours either.  I'd suggest immediately researching psychologists/therapists in your area who deal with PTSD and making him an appointment with one.  Discuss it with him first, if he seems reasonable enough to do so - otherwise, I'd make the appointment anyway, he seems to be in trouble.  Contact some other family members, friends, or other people he cares about and who care about him, and explain what you're doing and ask for suggestions.  Make sure he sees a professional. Once that's begun, I'd think the best thing to do would just be standing by him (if he's worth it to you, which it sounds like he is) and being as supportive as possible.  You sound very sweet and devoted to him, but you shouldn't have to deal with outlandish things like the incident you described.  You both deserve to have the man you began dating back. Good luck - i sincerely wish you all the best.

Answer 3

You may find help here--

http://able-mart.com/ptsd

Answer 4

Go to www.emdr.com and read about their therapy for PTSD.  It's quick and it's easy and you can find a therapist in your area using the link on the site.

Answer 5

I'm sorry you're both going through this.  It definitely sounds like PTSD.  You should tell him that you suspect that this is going on with him, and detail his behavior back to him so he understands.  Then, have him contact the nearest V.A. hospital and see about mental health services for him.  If they are not of any assistance, get him to see some other counselor.  Bottom line, he needs to be willing to see a counselor and work through this.  If he refuses, it might be safer and better for you to get out of the relationship.  With that said, I hope that he agrees to treatment.  Take care...