How can i let my best friend know adoption is ok?

Question

im 17 and pregnant and i know at such a young age i would be a horrible mother. i hate abortion andseverly dont believe in it and i know i dont have the knowledge, time, money, or experience to take care of this baby. I wanted to put it up for adoption but my best friend said adoption is just as bad as abortion and if i do that she will be very mad at me. is she right? if not how can i make her see its ok?

Answer 1

I'm a birthmom, if you put your child up for adoption, be prepared for the years to come. Get counseling, you will need it. Be prepared to grieve for the loss of your child, and this can last years. Be prepared for the guilt you will feel and it might not happen right away, but it will happen.

Not all adoptions are good and not all are bad. You never know.

Don't keep the secret, don't keep the lie. Don't pretend like it never happend.

This is your life not your friends. This is your decision.

Answer 2

If she is 17 like you she may not be able to understand it now, but that's okay.  Giving your baby up for adoption is a very brave, very daunting thing to do.  I personally applaud you for putting your baby's life and welfare first, and I hope you have people in your life who will support you in that decision.  If your friend refuses to do so you may have to gently tell her it's your decision and it's what you think is right and ask her to keep her opinions to herself.  You may lose a friend (for a while, or forever) but what you are doing for your baby far outweighs that consequence.  G-d bless you, I wish you all the best.

Answer 3

Ultimately - it is your decision.

She's your friend - and she's trying to look after your best interests and your child's.

All I suggest - is go into this with all the knowledge you can find - as this will be forever - you won't just wake up and forget you ever had that child - you'll wonder about him/her for the rest of your life - and you may never be able to see that child again.

'Open adoptions' are what is best for the child - as the child will need to know YOU and your family - personally - for better emotional and psychological growth.

BUT - be aware - 'open adoptions' are NOT enforceable - the adoptive parents can close up communications any time they choose.

I know hundreds of adoptees and first mothers that live with pain and regret every single day.

Do your homework.

Here is a brochure you should read -

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pd...

Here are blogs written by relinquishing mothers -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Here are blogs written by adoptees -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

And here are some sites with useful info -

http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?page...

http://www.singlepregnancy.com/

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/

I wish you and your baby all the very best the world has to offer. (hopefully - together)

Answer 4

hmmm.  maybe she's adopted and knows the truth?  i would never put my child up for adoption.  i would sooner slit my throat.

Answer 5

How sad.  Giving life to your child and placing for adoption is just as bad as taking the life of your child?  What did you say to her?  I counseled women/teenagers for over 10 years that were pregnant and could not decide what to do, and it really saddened me to see this same thing.  They would rather abort their children than place for adoption.  Adoption is the greatest sacrifice that a mother could do.  She sacrifices herself, and places her very own child in the arms of an adoptive couple- and gives life to her baby, instead of sacrificing her baby on the altar of convenience. I am adopted and also have 2 adopted children, who are 16 and 19.  The three of us would not be here if it was not for adoption. Because all three of our birth moms could not have raised us. how do I know?  A note from my birth mother to my adoptive parents- and we met the birth moms of our 2 children.  Explain to your friend that abortion does not only take the life of a baby- it can cause you pain and suffering, both physically, emotionally and spiritually.  If you can email through this site- have your friend email me and we can talk. I want to help.

EDIT- for the answerer above me, if she chooses to abort her baby- she cannot go back on that decision- if she plans to place for adoption she can completely decide at the time of birth.  Adoption is not a bad word- I understand perfectly how hard it is on the birth mom-  we have kept in contact with our son's birth mom, who he just met last year- and she had her moments of regret- but she also told us, she knew it was always the right decision.  So would it be better to abort than let the child have some times of difficulty in life?

Answer 6

I'm so sorry that your friend isn't being supportive. Just keep telling her what you know in your heart to be true - that at your age, you don't feel you could be a good parent, and you want to give your baby a better chance in life than you feel you could offer. If she continues to give you a hard time about it, I'd end the friendship, at least for now. You don't need people like her in your life right now, honestly.

I don't know how she could say that choosing loving parents to raise your is the same as killing your baby... that makes me so sad.

Do you know anyone who is adopted? Maybe they would be willing to talk to your friend about their experience as an adopted child.

Answer 7

Neither abortion or adoption are wrong, they should not be judged by anyone but the mother. It is your choice, responsibility, and decision to live with. You need to do what is right for you, she's not gonna pay the bills or do the feedings. If she's really your best friend she will accept your decision is tough and support you during this rough time.

Answer 8

Adoption IS as Bad as Abortion. They both take the life of the child

Some are so blinded on here by the fluff that is churned out by the propaganda machine of adoption that they do not see that

But TRUST me at 41 years of age as an ADULT Adoptee with 2 children of her own I know what i am talking about.

Sure I had WONDERFUL Adoptive Parents, Sure I had a great upbringing, Sure I had all the material things I wanted, Sure I was loved by my Aparents and Sure I was alive in the body sense...But let me tell you about the other side...

I feel Dead Inside, I say I wish I was dead most days, no I dont mean it, because I love my children so much and could not do that to them and would hate to be dead (not that i would know) but I hate to think of them not having me..But I say I wish I was dead (and take it back when ive calmed down) because I hurt.

I HURT DAILY

Every single day I hurt, because I feel rejected, because i feel paranoid, because I cant cope with the hurt inside and so lash out people who do not deserve it.

But I can not help it. Because the hurt becomes so strong and makes me lash out.

Where do you think this comes from ? I'm a intelligent independent woman who has run her own businesses, who has two children of her own and is very successful in many ways..

But I have no friends, because I push them away, I scare them away because I am so intense.

They will say something and I will immediately defend myself unnecessarily most of the time, because I feel under attack, I feel threatened

Where do you think that all came from > when I am such a successful,l loving, capable woman in other areas ?

It comes from being abandoned by mother after i was born and given to a adoption society, who in turn gave me to a foster mother for 6 weeks who in turn gave me to strangers who then became my permanent parents, People who had their own biological children who couldnt have any more and wanted a girl (lucky me ? I should be grateful? right ?) So that in my adulthood I can hurt every single day? and live in fear that every single person I talk to is going to leave me ?

Oh yeah this is Joyous Living, I am DEAD INSIDE because all I have is the grief that my own Mother did not want me...

Tell me how do you reconcile with that ? how do you ever understand that ? you dont.

SO your friend is right Adoption is just as bad as Abortion

One is dead physically the other is dead emotionally

Keep your baby, You will have the knowledge, you will have the time, you will have the money and you will have the experience, as this baby's mother you will make these things happen...

Keep you baby ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Answer 9

I adopted my son 3 years ago, and it was the best thing for both of us. His birthmother was only 15 when she got pregnant and was in no position to be raising a child. Her parents were going through a nasty divorce, they had no money, she was too young, and wanted to finish school etc.  We are providing my son with a loving, warm, and stable life.  How can that be bad?  We have a great relationship with our birthmother, and she visits us 3 times a year.

Answer 10

Your decision is yours to make.  You have to do what is best for YOU, not your friend.  If she can't accept your decision, then I don't think she is a very good friend.  

If you really want to try to convince her, tell her that adoption doesn't have to be a sad thing.  Your child will have a family that lives him/her very much.  You will be giving the best gift you could ever give to the child and to the parents you choose.  And if you want you can keep it open so that you can be there for your child too.  You don't have to loose your baby, and your baby doesn't have to loose you.

Answer 11

I think adoption is a great thing if you think that your baby will be better off. My mom gave me up for adoption. Loved me very much but knew she couldn't do what was best for me. Luckly her parents adopted me and I know her. I have no hard feelings towards her because I know she only did it for me. Just try to explain to her that if you keep the baby what if you can't take care of her or no one helps you. You want the baby to get the best care in the world. Adoption is hard but I think it is a lot better than abortion. Good Luck in whatever you do.

Answer 12

Adoption is the bravest thing you could do, Selfish would to keep a baby push it off on others while you go out and party or stuck at home while everyone else is out having a ball. It doesn't sound to me like your friend is giving you any support.If you abort I think that decision will come back to haunt you. I would keep the whole thing low key. Some day you will meet the right guy, marry and have a family, that is when the guilt would overwhelm you. You can give this child and a loving childless couple a whole new life and you needn't look back.

Answer 13

it is your choice whatever you do know it is a good choice don't regret doing it i think you should keep the child when the child is giving adopted parents he or she will start to call them mum and dad and trust me i know what iam talking about you could feel depressed and guilty when you give the child up and anyway it not a bad idea having a child

Answer 14

Having been in those shoes myself, I would tend to agree with your friend.  Still, it is your decision.

Answer 15

i agree with what most other people have said.

why would she think adoption is as bad as abortion? at least the baby is alive and has given a chance to live in this world - hopefully, it will find a loving family that can take care of it too.

it is not like as if your "friend" will be taking care of it. i don't think she has any matters to say about this because ultimately, in the end, it is your decision.

In my POV, she's wrong. Have you ever ask her why she said adoption is as bad as abortion? cuz frankly, i can't find any reasons why she would say that.

unless we know the reasons why your best friend concur 'adoption is just as bad as abortion' don't think we have any good counter-arguments to make.

Answer 16

If the only reason you are considering giving up your child is because you think you're going to be a lousy mother, then you're just making an assumption.  You don't know that.  Many parents, even those older than you and married, have fears that they will not be good parents.  That doesn't mean they are bad parents, though.  It's not an unusual fear at all.  Few parents have the knowledge or experience first time around.  How would they if it's their first?  As far as money, lots and lots of parents don't feel they will financially be able to handle it.  Yet, most do.  Time?  Everyone manages to make time for that which means the most to them.  Look at women who juggle careers, children and running a household.  What makes you think they are somehow innately better than you?

Further, you've still got several months to prepare yourself with  parenting classes.  You'd be more prepared than plenty of the married moms out there if you had parenting classes under your belt!

Seventeen is not too young.  My  grandmother did it at 15.  The year before, she gave up her first child.  There was no way in h**l she was going to go through that again, and she didn't.  She raised my mother.  When my mother was 5, my grandmother married the man to whom she was happily married for the rest of her life.  A while later, she had her third child with him.  

In the end, the decision is yours.  Just remember that losing your first child is no easy road, though.  You don't want to make such a grave decision without understanding this.

BTW, parenting is one of the most selfLESS things a person can do, because every parent knows that being a mother or father requires sacrifice.  Yet, these sacrifices would gladly be repeated by the vast majority of parents because of the joy they have received in being parents to their little ones.

Answer 17

Hi Estrella,

I’m sorry that you are in this tough situation of being pregnant before you feel ready to become a mother, but you are now a mother and always will be.

As a mother who lost her only child to adoption over 24 years ago I can tell you from experience that adoption is a very painful reality that I live with every day. I am in online support groups with hundreds of other mothers who have lost their children to adoption in the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s. Women who have been separated from their children for 40 years still grieve for the children they lost. Women who have reunited with their sons and daughters after 20 or 30 years still grieve the years of separation. Some mothers and children are still searching for one another. The consequences of adoption to both you and your child are very real and can be very detrimental both physically and emotionally.

I hope that you have an adult who can help you through this time. Whether you choose to parent or surrender your child you need an adult on your side who you can trust - your mother, aunt, good friend – anyone who can help you see ALL of your options. This does not mean an adoption agency social worker. Adoption agencies make money by talking young vulnerable women into surrendering their child. Then the adopting couple pays them thousands of dollars for your child. Nice, huh? Kind of like selling our sons and daughters to make a profit and stay in business.

Here is one link that is important to read:

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

These are some links where you can find other single moms who are parenting:

http://motherhelp.info/keepingyourchild....

http://www.girl-mom.com/

http://www.birthmothers.info/index.html

You should be aware that you CAN get help for prenatal and hospital costs – and many other expenses – you don’t need an adopting couple to pay these expenses for you.

http://www.cms.hhs.gov/MedicaidEligibili...

This is a link for information on kinship care – government assistance available to another person in your family who might take on the parenting role temporarily:

http://www.aarp.org/families/grandparent...

There is a lot more help out there available to you. You can email me if you want help finding specific resources.

Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Once you sign termination of parental rights your son/daughter is gone – perhaps forever. Please make sure that you have your own attorney – not an adoption agency attorney.

And please - - - do not make the decision to place your child for adoption before your child is born. You and your child deserve to meet each other. You deserve to allow the natural bond between mother and child to develop before you make a decision that will change both of your lives forever.

Best of luck

Answer 18

I will not comment on which is worse adoptin or abortion as this really isn't the question. I understand the whole feel good thing about giving someone a chance at life and giving a loving couple a child. I understand because I did it, and it worked out just fine for someone. That someone would not be me. There are things you are not considering and you need to before the baby is born. In my profile is a question about remembering your relinquished childs birthday and do you have any regrets. You might want to take a look at the list of regrets I posted. It was intended for young mothers like you. If I can bring even one thing that you didn't think about to light it is worth it. There are only a handful of women on here who can describe to you how the regrets feel because most of the people who state they have no regrest haven't lived through the 18+ years yet. Believe me your thoughts change on such topics. If you want to relinquish make sure you are fully aware of what you are doing, and don't do ANYTHING until after the baby is born. Who told you, you would be an awful mother? I thought so too, but you know what almost 20 years later when I allowed myself to actually become a mother I still had the same fears. I still worried about whether I would be a good mother or not. EVERY woman goes through this to some extent. You learn as you go with your first one and it isn't as scary as it sounds. Your instincts take over if you want to be a good mother.

As for your friend: If she were in your position and you told her you would never speak to her again do you think it would play a part in HER decision? This has nothing to do with her. I do assume though from your question that she wants you to at least entertain the thought of becoming a mother. Maybe she has more faith in you than you do yourself right now. Either way you have to decide if your child is more worthy of another couples love over yours.

What is best for a child is to remain with their natural parents. You have not mentioned what the father has to say. He is also a parent now. How does he feel about becoming a father? Does he want to parent this child? If he does, that should be who you give the child to. What kind of a support system do you have? Your friend obviously, your parents, the fathers parents, any other family members on your or his side?

There are programs intended to keep parent and child together. They will help with lots of things, even daycare while you go to school. College isn't out of the question either. Some colleges have daycare available right on campus. It won't be easy but it can be done. I promise you one day you will have regrets over what you did even if it does work out for the best. My daughter had it good. I thought it was best.

Adoption is doable, it happens every day. No one from an agency is going to tell you how much grief it may cause you. Why would they? They want the money your baby is going to put in their pocket. There are plenty of children in the system who legitimately need homes. If a couple wants to parent bad enough they will accept one of those children. THEY DO NOT NEED YOURS.

Please read about the affects adoption has on children, mothers, grand parents, syblings, etc...

Educate yourself on Original birth Certificates, Medical History, Ancestry, Knowing who you are and Where You Come From, What agencies will do to get your child, Fathers Rights, AND Regrets, before you make this decision.

It may sound like I am against adoption, I am not. I am all for ETHICAL adoption, done for the right reasons.  I am against young mothers being bullied, lied to, kept in the dark and most of all treated liks they are the scum of the earth after someone else gets your baby. You will join the ranks of so many of us who are substandard to society. You will only be the gracious angel until the ink is dry.

I want you to make an informed decision, on your own, with the father of your child. No one elses opinion matters.

Answer 19

Well let her know what your options are:

you could have an abortion

you could choose to have your baby adopted

you could stick it through and care for your baby even though you know you lack the mentality and preparedness a mother should have

either way I think you shouldn't even care what your best friend thinks. It's you that is going to have the baby, and you that is going to have to take care of her/him. If you realize that you aren't ready and will not be a good mother at this point in your life, then why ruin a childs life?

Keeping them if you know you will neglect them, or not give them the nurture they need, is worse than abortion.

Keeping them to please your friend all the while knowing you are incapable of being a good mom, is just sad.

act like the adult you are, and make the right decision. Don't base it on someone elses opinion, but on the facts you know.

Answer 20

Why not support your friend as the mother she is?  She is pregnant, by that, she is a mom, nothing else.  She can be a parent, wonderful people are born to young, single mom's everyday.  Young people become stronger because of the miracle they give birth to.  Birth at 17 isn't a death sentence, but giving away your baby is for both the mother and the baby.  Why  not read some literature?  Look up the effects of Primal Wound on this baby, look at websites about the horrors that mom's go through when they lose their baby.  Your friend is right adoption is worse then abortion.  Ask people who have done both.

JO

Answer 21

everyone has thier own ideas but murder isn't a goo dchoice. you can give the baby up for adoption and it will have good home and be happy but death by injection isn't good and there4ore you can talk to her if she can't agree well she was not good firend i am sorry take care.

Answer 22

Let me clear up a few things for you.

1. Many people who believe they would be horrible mothers find that after birth, things just come so naturally that they no longer believe that. I wouldn't say something like that until the baby is born and you see how you react to him or her.

2. It doesn't matter how old you are, everyone that becomes a parent for the first time lacks knowledge and experience. They go on instinct and  support from family and friends.

3. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks as it will be you who has to live with the decision for the rest of your life. At the very least, wait until the baby is born to make a decision, make sure you have all the information even if it means doing research yourself (some agencies tend to work in their interests and not yours), and know that adoption is not easy, but painful and heartbreaking for both you and the child when he or she gets older.

As for your friend, communication is important. Ask her why she feels adoption is wrong and tell her why you think it isn't. However, the fact that you are asking this question says to me at least that you yourself aren't sure. This is a very serious decision and you need to think long and hard about what you could and could not live with, 10, 20, 30 years down the road, very possibly your whole life.

Again, I end with this. In fact, I may make it my signature. Adoption is usually a permanent solution for temporary problems. Single people get married, young people grow older and with age and experience comes growth in careers and success. On the flip side, married people get divorced, wealthy people go bankrupt and there is no guarantee that a stranger will love your child more than you.

Whatever you choose, make sure it is truly your decision and not anyone else's.

ETA: I love how all the people saying its wonderful and selfless conveniently forget to mention that it can be hard on both the natural mother and the child later in life. I see you also didn't bother to mention what kind of resources are available to a young mother who chooses to parent. Not biased at all, are we?

ETA: AdoreHim, I am in no way condoning nor condemning abortion because I do not believe that is my place. I have no problem with adoption WHEN IT'S NECESSARY. I simply wanted her to know what others did not tell her, that it will be hard either way and that it needs to be her decision.