How can i not feel angry and inferior about this ? ?

Question

ive had a horrendous life so far, suffered so much, bullying and victimisation, had many rage and aggression problems that ive made great improvements with.

have a long psychiatric record, im now 30, i also have a minor criminal record.

i live in a 1 bedroom apartment on disability, im waiting to see if ill get group therapy.

i have an injured ankle, torn ankle ligaments which i was told will take time to heal..

ive missed out on ever being employed , never formed any relationships , never gained any qualifications - i missed out on all of that stuff.

i have alot of catching up to do and im at many disadvantages.

i have borderline personality disorder and ptsd, i get very paranoid, insecure , struggle with rage and aggression......can disocociate when i go out....like zoning out........suffer severe anxiety.

my psychiatrist told me that meds wont help but the best way to go is some sort of therapy, so i went for the assesment for group therapy.

my goals are that i plan to leave england for good, with a good paying computer job......i imagine it will be a big thing to reach for in my circumstances.......but im not letting go of that ambition

my top goal no matter what is to leave the uk, finnish up somewhere quiet and coastal.

meanwhile in the present, and for a while people, the public, act very aloof towards me......i noticed im watched by store workers......security guards......people exchange ' knowing ' glances whenever i enter the environment.

i get abrupt tones from people, unfriendly vibes....intrusive glances and stares......aloof ness........a rejecting society........almost as im being treated as some outcast.

this has been happening for a long time now but ive tried to ignore it, but its not going away.

btw i struggle to form any relationships with people in general because i have severe low self esteem......get intimate to soon....get clingy...act all insecure and desperate.....like eager.

so its not easy to connect with people in general.

im not sure if people remember me from my rage outburst of the past, or im not liked on a personal level........or theres a conspiracy against me.

but im working on my problems....im aware of my issues....ive made progress without any therapy.......i control my conduct pretty well now........what more can i do ?

what am i supposed to do ?

i have so much rage problems because i was severely bullied throughout my life over a long period of time.

i dont know what else i can do..

its going to take along time before i can leave england sadly, so im very much stuck here for now.

how can i deal with this behaviour and a society that seems to be alienating me ?

also how would you handle this situation ?

Answer 1

Stop looking at past and look forward to your future.. No one can do it for you. You have to pick yourself up 1 bit at a time. Eventually you will get there.

Rich

Answer 2

well I think its just anxiety granted some poeple do act this way but since you have all these problems and have paranoia it could just be anxiety and there are pills to take care of this. Just call a doctor. Its tough and not fair for you to live with this

Answer 3

Hi there, to answer you question, people are only responding to you how you have taught them to respond to you, you can change that.

It all inside of you, nobody can make you doubt yourself, that doubt is already there, they just intensify it, as to everything else the answer is with you as well.  This is a huge issue and to be honest years of work, but you have maybe another 60 years to live with yourself.  Take 3 years now and sort it out, then have 57 great years. The alternative is don't deal with it and have 60 c**p year.

I have a website I think can really help you get started.

http://www.dream-life-coaching.com

good luck

Answer 4

You cannot change how you feel, but you can change your behaviour.  As you have suffered in the past you may identify with some of these definitions of bullying:

" Bullying is the aggressive behaviour arising from the deliberate intent to cause physical or psychological distress to others." Peter Randall (1997)

" Bullying involves an initial desire to hurt, this desire is expressed in action, someone is hurt, the action is directed by a more powerful person or group, it is without justification, it is typically repeated, and it is done so with evident enjoyment." Ken Rigby (1998).

Damage:

Students: At school- short and long term impacts: the victim, the bully, the school, teachers, parents and peer group, eg physical and mental health, depression, anxiety disorders, school work social life, self esteem, Employee: the individual, (financial, career opportunities, sabotage by them or others, physical and emotional health difficulties,) their family, the work climate, the economics of

the organisation, success of the organisation, union and legal structures, anger at their lack

of rights and justice,

Case Studies:

1. Jim who was bullied at school and later harassed at university gave up his dream career and has been looking for alternatives.

2. Mary the nurse, excluded, put down, given poor shifts, told off, denigrated, affected her marital relationship, Worked at same place for 11 years, abuse began with new supervisor, who changed shifts, made it exhausting, she couldn’t listen to the rosters that

nurses wanted to work, not sleeping, pains in body, very angry, felt ostracized

3. Bella lost her voice, depressed and could’t think. She was too competent but was criticized, rumours spread, harassed re age and being middle class and told she couldn’t balance budgets, after many years of excellent work,

Trauma

According to Peter Randall the core cluster of symptoms include persistent re-experiencing of the trauma, recurring nightmares, sudden feelings and sometimes actions associated with a belief that the stressful event is still occurring, intense psychological distress when

exposed to situations similar to whose in which the trauma occurred, persistent symptoms of increased psychological arousal eg sleep difficulties, poor concentration, irritability, etc,

aggressive behavior problems, moodiness and feelings of guilt,

Peter Randall sees many child victims are unable to develop appropriate social survival skills and are thus more likely to become victims of bullying trauma as adults. He states, eg “ I don’t seem to be able to do anything to help myself, when I see the bully coming I freeze.” ” Unresolved childhood PTSD is known to have significant influence on adult social behaviour and may well act to predispose individuals in adult life to block effective response

against would-be bullies.”

If you are suffering post traumatic stress disorder you do need to deal with it; which are you doing.  By joining the self help group you will discover ways of coping.  When you spend a lot of time on your own you can feel isolated and alone.  You need to interact with people in a positive way.  Perhaps start an easy course--one where you can be of help to people.  If you have the money, perhaps hire an image consultant or use a shop's store shopping consultant to help you choose your clothes.

Appearance can be important, are you always clean and tidy?  

EVERYONE gets 'watched' in shops that is what the security staff are for.  You need to build up your confidence so that you can love yourself after that, friendships and relationships will follow.

Answer 5

I agree, you need to get the right therapy, and medication. I suspect that a lot of it is in your head, or that you make yourself appear shifty when in shops etc... I have had a lot of things happen in my life too, and I have overcome them by getting the right help. I now realise that it was me stopping myself from getting where I wanted in life, because I was paranoid, and because I allowed myself to continue being the victim. Once you get out of the victim mentality, and try to have a more positive outlook on things it will get better... I'm not saying that it's easy, but honestly once you overcome this irrational paranoia, and thinking the world is gaainst you, and take control of your life things will improve.

Answer 6

I think you need to fight for therapy, you are entitled to it and you need it, so hang on in there and keep bugging the docs.

If you leave the UK where would you go?  life isn't easy abroad, especially if you need help.  For instance I live in Spain and there is 1 bed for every 1,000 psychiatric patients.  No idea what becomes of all the others that need help, probably loads end up in prison.

Good luck