How can i not feel enraged at the fact that none of the things i want & like in life are coming to me ?

Question

when i wanted a dove....i always got a blackbird - grrrrrrrrrr ! ( clenched teeth )

when i liked someone, they always left me, rejected me, let me down.

when i wanted blonde beauty, i always got a bag of black rotten soil.

when i seeked out the someone i always wanted, the pale beauty of rosey cheeks - they always stayed hidden from me......not around......not there...elusive.

when i wanted that special someone to be by myside, they were never there....never answered my call.........but instead once again the ugly hideous blackbird came and answered my call instead...

this has always been the theme of my life - nothing i want or wanted has ever come to me !

( clenched teeth ) angry just thinking about it.

plus heres my circumstances in general.

my only goals in life is to attain a good paying computer job....to live a peaceful life near the coast........to leave england.......to find a loving partner....to eventually live in spain or another part of europe.

i exist alone, living in a one bedroom flat on disability benefits in england- i feel ostracised and alienated from society.

i have no one except an aging mother whos always stood by me and done her best for me, shes 58 now and cant get up to see me like she once did.

i have alot of aggression problems that ive improved with all by myself over the years.....i used to have rage outbursts in public that i didnt plan, but comes from years of severe bullying.

ive basically had a horrifically hard life, missed out on forming ' any ' relationships with anyone........ missed out on ever being employed or gaining any qualifications.........missed out on an education..

im extremely lonely, abandoned....forgotten about by society......i sit in my apartment every night and no one seeks me out, tells me im worth something........its like i dont matter to anyone in society.

i feel people are aloof and standoffish to me like they were to me in the past , like no one wants to know me..

i feel stigmatised as somebody to avoid because of my criminal mental past and rage problems....

no one to phone....no one to phone me.....no one to turn to....a tormented, disadvantaged past..

i feel angry at people with happy lives, jealous, aggressive , it represents everything ive never had..

im 30 now, i own nothing....live on disability.....have a dusty old pathetic computer........no carpets on the floor.....have borderline personality disorder and ptsd.

wait for therapy........have torn ankle ligaments an injured ankle.....was told it will take a while to heal.

ive aged prematurly in my face..

have physical imperfections : 2 missing teeth - front bottom row- saving for dental treatment- cant afford anything right now.

this happened after i headbutted a wall years ago through anger.

cracked, broken skin , tears in the skin ' covering ' the ' head ' of my p***s,

an itchy, smelly sweaty s*****m, im waiting to see a dermatologist, she doesnt know what it is or wether the cracks can be cleared yet.

the tears and cracks dont hurt, but the skin is sensitive and looks terrible, all broken cracked skin covering my p***s head..plus discoloration of the head part.

i know its nothing sexually infection because i was checked out at the clinic months ago..

my little finger is crooked and droops over due to an injury years ago.

my only goalsin life is to attain a good paying computer job....to live a peaceful life near the coast........to leave england.......to find a loving partner....to eventually live in spain or another part of europe.

but tell me in my position, at 30, starting from zero, how will i do that ?

im despairing right now.

its like no one cares about me and societies moved on and left me behind.

people reject me, especially girls because i have major low self esteem.....i get clingy....expect to much to soon......dont no how to maintain a conversation.

theres this rusian girl on my messenger list, ive spoke to twice.....she seems nice.....but im scared to go talk to her again incase she rejects me because of how iam.

plus the things in life i want, the chosen friends, the lifestyle .....the decent paying job.....the move away......the relationships i want....

all this is still not coming to me and you would think i deserve it after all ive been through.

how can i deal with this ?

Answer 1

You make your own luck in this world. Angry people are unpopular, so that doesnt help.

We all want the nice things, and i have worked many years to get where i am, which is still not where i want to be.

You need to start learning to enjoy the journey, not just the destination.....

Answer 2

Deal with it by making the changes, not sitting there and waiting for them to come to you, just wanting these things isn't enough, you have to make it happen.  Re-train, move house, join clubs - you make your own life decisions, things happen that we cannot change, but other than that it's up to you!

Edit: If you are on disability you don't have to pay for dental treatment, do you?

Society hasn't left you behing, you've left yourself lagging behind, feeling sorry for yourself instead of picking yourself up and being counted - nothing is for free in this life!

Answer 3

I feel for you but one thing you said stands out - "I deserve it after all I've been through"

Unfortunately nobody deserves anything, that's life. Does the child who dies of cancer at 2 deserve it? Does the murderer who never gets caught and live to a ripe old age deserve it?

I understand that you have low self esteem and have a lot of problems. What you need to do is focus on the things that you can change. Do it in small steps, moving to a sunny beach in Spain isn't a small step but making an effort to talk to someone an hold a proper conversation is. Call the Samaritans, they do help.

I think we sometimes all feel the things you're feeling but not as extremely as you feel those things.

I'd be more than happy for you to email me so we can talk further if you like. I've never been down as far as you but I've been a little way along your road.

Also why a computer job? Is a warehouse job not good enough - I've done that more than once in my life and worse jobs than that too. Isn't a job good enough, one that pays money? If you get one of those you could look into a bit more training for the computer job maybe?

Anyway this answer looks at risk of becoming as long as your answer so if you'd like to send me a message so we can talk further please do so. I would really like to help.

Kind regards,

R!

Answer 4

It sounds to me like all your doing is complaining and bickering about whats wrong!

I am not one to talk as I have been in your situation for years at a time but fortunately I was able to surround myself around the things that i was blessed with like a loving mother and beautiful friends. These things dont go away.

There is really no right way to deal with your situation but FIRST... you must recognize what you have. Such as a home and a mother and opportunity.

I could go on forever but you said that you would think you deserve these things you ask for. WRONG WRONG WRONG! life wasn't meant to be easy and too often do people think that its sooo hard. Unfortunately for some good hearted people things don't come as easy as it should, but i would advise you spend a day in the life of someone with no place to sleep, no family or friends, no money, nothing. You will understand that its not worth the stress of complaining about what you have. Instead make the most of what you do and you'll realize more, undeserving things will come, like good friends and a healthy, satisfying life.

God bless and good luck!

Answer 5

You are expecting the things you desire to come to you. If you continue to do this, you will continue to be unhappy and angry. We make our own happiness regardless of our circumstances.  We make it by the choices we make.  Good things seem to come to people, but in reality, they've made it happen by making the right choices.

Have you not seen those who are disfigured and wheel-chair bound, and some who even have less than normal mental or cognitive ability? Yet, they rise above it and succeed. They love others and are loved by others. They find happiness. There is NO reason why you can't find happiness too.

If you want others to love or care about you, you have to love and care about them. You need love? Give love to others. You need someone to talk to? Listen to others. The more you focus your attention on the needs of others, and the less you worry about yourself, the more your own needs will be met. Just look outside of yourself. It's a law of nature, like gravity.

None of us deserve anything because of our difficulties, you deserve it because you worked for it.  Stop focusing on your weaknesses. Start focusing instead on your strengths - and you do have strengths. Take your weaknesses and turn them into strengths too. Work on those things you don't like about yourself. We all have the power within ourselves to be who we want to be. Everything good takes effort and time. Are you willing to put in the work necessary?

Answer 6

Happiness isn't about getting what you want, it's about loving what you have.

Answer 7

you need to go out and make these things happen they will never COME TO YOU.

Answer 8

The reason why you are not achieving your goals is b/c you are constantly thinking negative thoughts.  You listed some wonderful goals, but then you created a huge list of all the things that bother you and that you don't like.  It sounds like you are very pessimistic, probably depressed, and full of a "woe is me" outlook. You need to focus on the goals you want and start doing something every day where you are working on them and not dwelling on the things you don't have, etc.  For instance the first thing you want is the computer job, what have you done lately to try to get a computer job.  Do you have the proper skills? If not, go back to school.  Get financial assistance/loan in order to do so.  Do that now.  Then learn interview skills, how to dress for success, and how to make a proper resume.  That is what I would do first. Once you have a job, then you can focus on getting dental treatment/ medical treatment.  Then once you have a good job and are getting your life back on track,  (You might have to go to therapy to help with your depression and negativity b/c this will pull you down into a deep abyss if you don't do something about that now) then you can focus on saving up enough money to move where you want to move.  Be realistic.  You might want to move to a different location, but not leave the country.  Most people take years to save up enough money to take a vacation out of the country, not even mentioning moving to another country.  Then once you have those two things settled, then you can work on finding a relationship.  A good place would be a singles group at church or eharmony b/c I know at least 5 people who have married their spouse from eharmony.  Good luck.  Remember, you have to take small steps to work toward your goal, but your first goal here is employment and get away from disability.