How can i overcome the fear of rejection & not cause it to begin with ?

Question

ive suffered a tortured life and existence, severe bullying and victimisation all throughout my life, countless bad traumatic times.

physical assaults, head injuries in a street attack when i lost control of rage - time in a psychiatric hospital for 18 months - a minor criminal record - sexual abuse from other minors when i was a child.

bullied throughout secondary school.

ive missed out on things like forming ' any ' relationships at all, ever.

missed out on an education or being employed - dont have any qualifications.

suffered severe low self esteem all my life; i cant form relationships because of this .....i expect more than what they want to give ( especially with females ).........i get to clingy......my low self worth makes me feel ' unworthy ' of everyone..........struggle to maintain a conversation because i feel so bad about myself etc..

presentley i live in a 1 bedroom flat, apartment on disability, i own nothing besides an old computer, a few books etc.

i have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and ptsd, i have an appointment for therapy soon.

even though i have made lots of progress from how i used to be i very much still battle with rage and aggression.....high levels of panic and anxiety which keep me inside all the time......and because i suffer with rage feelings very much i avoid going out to.....except when i need to, to pay bills etc..

i have no social support network except my aging mother, who cant do much for me anymore......and 1 good internet friend who ive known for 2 years from california.

i have pending physical problems and imperfections :

torn ankle ligaments due to an injury 1 year ago, in my left ankle....its very weak....i have to watch how i walk.....i can easily twist it and fall over......ive had a scan , now im waiting to see a therapist.

ive always suffered extreme low self worth......and always been rejected.........never formed any relationships in life so far and im 30 now..

theres people on myspace and on my messenger lists.......and people whove reached out to me through this site.

but im scared to contact them incase they find out about my true character.....the reality of my living circumstances and they back away and

: reject me.

im so terrified of this as i always have been, and yet it always happened.

theres this russian girl who i spoke to twice, i added her to my messenger...she semed pleasant...interested....but im scared to go back and contact her again....because she might find out my true life....or i might have to tell her the truth of my life and she might then :

reject me.

and i would be devastated and hate to lose her.....i take rejection so bad and devastating....

how do i get over this life long fear ?

especially if you started to like someone and dont want to lose them.

for example : iam scared to talk to anyone on myspace or my messenger lists incase they find out all these realities about me then they reject me..

do you see ?

so because the fear is to strong, i stay away...people think im not interested or ignoring them.....then i lose them anyway.

how can i beat this finally ?

i always cause rejection to happen and i think loneliness , insecurity, isolation ' drives ' my behaviour. living alone etc..

with girls i expect more from them than they want to give right at the very beggining, get all ' clingy ' , then understandablly this drives them away and causes them to reject me.

i always seem to act this way and im stuck to know how to be different, soon as i talk to a person especiall a female, i display these behaviours then they reject me and back off.

its like im not able to not act desperate and eager.....expect to much, when i try to get to know someone....especially with a female.

then when they back away and reject me.......i feel all angry and aggressive towards them..........want to verbally insult them to hit back etc.

im now 30 and because of a tortorous life and severe bullying, ive always had severe low self esteem and acted this way all my life

how can i finally deal with rejection......not show these behaviours and not cause it to begin with ?

Answer 1

You use the word "can't" when you mean won't.  You take rejection as a failure instead of a challenge to create a new plan.  

Everyone gets rejected in their lives, everyone fails at something and everyone is a victim at times.  It is how you react to these events not the events themselves that can adversely affect your life.

Stay in therapy.  You can build your self-esteem to the point that you will be less affected by the inevitable problems of life.

Answer 2

Everybody has many things they have to cope with in life. As an adult, it's how you manage yourself that matters. If you reject yourself and can only boo hoo about how life has been so far, then others will reject you, too. You have far bigger problems than whether some Russian girl will reject you or not. It is more important that you have rejected yourself.

You are only 30 yrs old. If you continue to follow your treatments for your physical and mental problems, things will get better in time. If you abandon your therapy and stop taking your meds, then things will get worse. If you have rejected treatment and stopped taking your medication in the past, then it is no surprise that you find yourself doing badly, is it?

Other than that, you need to find some kind of work so you feel some respect for yourself. You have included every excuse in the world for why you can do nothing and why you should have no responsibility in your life. I don't buy it because there are immigrants who come to another country with the same problems you have and don't even speak the language and yet they get jobs and succeed.

If you seek treatment and follow it, you'll get better in time.

Good luck to you.

Answer 3

I think, that life has been very unfair to you. And you have good reason for acting all the ways above.

But for better or for worse, life will continue on. Life is a great gift, and I know its unbearably hard, and sometimes worse.  

Find something to-do!

Photography, Exercise, Art, Writing

For starters, I would suggest you go outside, although this may sound cheesy, exercise! Just run around the park for a bit in the morning and evenings. If any anger or rage starts building up. Just channel it into the running. (this can be applied to any sport) When you feel confident enough, join a running group

Try yoga. Honestly, if you go for at least a month you will begin to feel more relaxed physically, and hopefully emotionally.

Arts

Try it at home and test which one you like!

Go to pottery or ceramics classes and learn to use a wheel or handbuild.

Paint and focus on bringing the emotion out of the painting

Take photo classes with a film camera and meet people in the darkroom

Take a few classes and meet people in person

I guess in my life, when I sit around doing nothing the unpleasant thoughts and everything starts rolling in. But once I do something, everything changes and ususally I'm more relaxed and can think rationally about what I'm doing.

Also, about the russian girl and all your other messenger friends. Make small talk for now. But find something to relax yourself (not drugs, if you are taking any) and then converse lightly. When you have more confidence really make conversation and find out about her. (and others)

Well I hope i've helped.

Good Luck to you, and I wish you joy in the future!

  

Answer 4

there is a simple miracle cure, that's not only free, you also need no help from a professional and can it all yourself...it called E.F.T. emotional freedom technique...google it, a good site is www.emofree.com, its a simple form of acupressure that can literally move mountains, i'm a holistic therapist and have 'cured' everything from 'bad backs' to 'major symptoms of schizophrenia'....i strongly urge you to look into it....if you decide you want to, and need any help email me.... hannah.

Answer 5

Listen and listen carefully. I've had a messed up life, been bullied and the victim (and still am in one area in my life) but let me tell you this:

You are lucky.

Do you know why? Because you have experienced some things that some people may never understand. You have the opportunity to turn this around and become a 100 times stronger than somebody who has had a 'good' life.

I have just got rejected too and been rejected a lot these past few years but you know what 'F them'. You don't need them you need YOU.