How can i solve this problem in my marriage?

Question

my wife had an opportunity to further her career but asked me to give up my job to look after the kids (she works varied hours) which I did as she is very keen on going further in her field. Now a few months after this all I get in every argument is 'I am the one who brings the money in and support you' I feel now I need permission every time I want to buy anything. This is causing a real strain on our marriage.

Answer 1

what an awful thing for her to say, next time she does tell her you have been pondering about going back to work and that either she looks after the kids or she can pay for a sitter or keep her nasty comments to herself. She should be grateful for your sacrifices.

Answer 2

Well raising kids is a 24/7 job and is usually more tiring mentally and physically than a normal job. Maybe you should remind her of that.  

Answer 3

you should talk to her. say look you wanted me to be a stay at home father  you shouldve known that im not going to be making money on my own now and yes you are supporting everyone. YOU made that choice. so dont complain it

Answer 4

Good for you for being comfortable enough to be a stay at home dad. As for what to do my suggestion would be to sit her down and talk about the money issue. Ask her how she would feel in that situation as was often the case before women were able to work. If it is that much of a problem maybe you should both go back to working again.  

Answer 5

she shouldnt be telling u dat if shes the one that suggested it!

u guys should really talk about it.because if it keeps on then

u might have more problems later on..

wat about a babysitter or some1 u kno?

good luck ;D

Answer 6

Tell her you would be happy to go back to work so that you have something to eat in the house!  Then go and look for a job.  

Answer 7

communication is the #1 key in a marriage. Just tell her how you feel . try to hire one of your relative to look after the kids and go to work . This should not be a problem you need to learn how to communicate. good luck.

Answer 8

Hi there

The only way is to talk to her, be open with her let her know how you feeling.

Wish you all the best

Good luck

Answer 9

Its time you took your pants off of her,and put them back on.Hope this makes sense.

Answer 10

Point out that you never gave her that c**p when you were the bread winner.  If you did do that, well then you might be out of luck.  Tell her you want a fixed allowance to do with as you wish, come to an agreement on how much and stick to it.

Answer 11

  The mans role is to be the provider for his family. The womens role is caring and nurturing the family. I have seen many times when these roles are reversed marriages suffer. I know this is something you cannot undue easily. But if you can I think you should try. I will pray for your family

Answer 12

Tell her that you gave up a lot to be with her and that she should respect that choice and the work that you do. Remind her of how much a 24 babysitter would cost.

Answer 13

First off you were asked by her to give up your job, I hate when a woman belittles her husband,to me their trying to be to controlling. I would  say if you can, get yourself a good baby sitter and go back to work because i don't think it would be over with her arguing until you do.It appears that you can't win for trying.

Answer 14

I am no psychiatrist or marriage counselor but I can tell you that communication is key. You need to tell her that you feel that way because sometimes "us women" can be blinded by things outside of our home and she may not even know that it is bothering you. Remind her that she wanted things this way and you would be glad to return to work (which I'm assuming you would) if it is going to cause problems.......I can see how it would be stressful to feel like you need permission to buy things, especially if it's things you need for yourself, i.e. clothes, food........hope things work out.

Answer 15

why not hire someone to baby sit? or ask your mom or dad to watch the kids for you guys.

Answer 16

Well, you can tell her that looking after the kids is full time job. It's really bullcrap when someone in a relationship says something like this, weather it's man or woman. Try counseling, he'll say the same thing :)

Answer 17

Hey, I'm so sorry that is really not fair of her, I think that when she is in a calm mood you need to let her know that it was her idea that you look after the kids and that taking care of your children is equally as important as her job. She should not diminish taking care of your children, as that is the most important thing in a family. You need to sit down and discuss all of these problems with her, again when she is in a CALM /GOOD mood.. us woman are much easier to deal with in these moments :)  If she opted to 'bring home the bacon' then that was her choice, as long as you are not taking advantage of it. If you are now the 'stay at home' parent then you need to be sure you are the one to get the groceries, tidy up a bit and potentially cook dinner for the family so when she arrives home she doesn't have to stress out more. It also leaves her the time to hang with the kids and to be able to talk with you uninterrupted. Also it's a very sweet gesture.

I really hope that helps!

Good luck!

- just saw your update, all the more reason you need to make her understand this, and set out the terms. Also remember people say things they don't mean in the heat of the moment sometimes

Answer 18

go back to work part time or work from home and get your own money.

that should change her mind . remind her that you quit your job first for her and that she shouldnt throw this in your face ..... but tell her nicely !!

Answer 19

well maybe you should sit down and have a talk with her about how you feel that is unfair, considering that you could be making the money for the family, but aren't so she could have a career. maybe she has a good argument or she is just under a lot of pressure at work and is bringing out her frustration on you. just talk it out.

Answer 20

The best solution is find a job that you can do from home that will not tax or take away from the children.  There are many things from doing on line surveys to selling on eBay (ebay is probably the better one to do). If you go ebay, look at wholesalers who do dropshipping, shop at new and used stores for old books etc.

Or find a job you can get away and do when SHE is at home ie: evenings and/or weekends.  It's good mental health for you to get away, no different from the housewife having a small part time job.

Answer 21

there is no way it will work out if you let her work. your the man in the relationship and should be the supporter. its her job to look after the kids, and if she wants to work , out ur kids in the daycare. as for u staying at hoome, it wont work out

Answer 22

If I were you, I would of never given up your career to further hers.  She now has control of you.  I would go back to work, and find someone to take care of the kids.  If you continue on this way, you will never be able to make financial decisions on your own.  I would personally despise that.  JMO

Answer 23

Many household which have two professionals hire nannies. I would suggest you look into that since you both want careers. This would relieve some of the stress of who takes care of the children. But I would suggest also getting an older nanny since they have experience and would not cause a temptation as a young nanny might.

Answer 24

Call her bluff. Tell her you want to go back to work and give her a deadline as to when you hope to return to work.

If she asks why tell her that you are unhappy with her level of control and see if she is prepared to concede anything.

The only other thing I can think of is a part time job that you can do when she gets home - plenty of bar work out there (and plenty of willing baby sitters!)

Good luck anyway - I hope you can solve this amicably!

Answer 25

That is not the way it should be.  I work and my husband takes care of the home (He's disabled so he can't work.)  I figure that if I had to pay him to do what he does around the house it would take up my whole pay check.  It's never MY money in a marriage no matter who is bringing it in.  It is always OUR money.  Personally, I'd tell her that I'm going back to work and she can get a care giver for the kids.  

Answer 26

hmm well im a tradition girl and believe the guy should be looking after the financial aspect of a relationship while the woman looks after the house/kids.

But i think its great that you are supporting your wife! she should appreciate what you done for her!

I think you should remind her what you gave up in order for her to work and succeed, marriage is about compromise and grattitude she has to be grateful for what your doing! you need to have a talk with her but in a nice non threatening way.

You also need to have empathy for her as it is hard to work full time and deal with all the finance in the household , she must be stressed,and must feel like she has all the responsibility so its allot of pressure its normal for her to snap at you now and then, but you do need to talk together openly and calmly.

Answer 27

I'm not sure, but I became a latchkey kid when I was in 2nd grade and didn't have a problem with it.  So if you can be patient enough to wait until they get old enough and then get a regular job, one where you can commute home at lunch during the summer to checkup on everything, eventually this problem will go away on its own.

If you can't wait, I guess you can try daycare.  We did that sometimes, too.  Not being able to raise your own child during the day sucks, but it's probably better than a broken marriage.

And don't forget, the support goes both ways.  Yeah she supports you financially but (I assume) you are supporting her as well by taking care of stuff at home.  If she really sees no value in that support, well I guess you can go right back to your job then eh?

Answer 28

After the kids are in bed one evening, tell you wife you would like to talk with her.  Quietly and with minimum emotion remind her that you gave up your job at her request, to permit her to fulfill her ambitions.  If she does not "hear" you, I suggest that you get yourself another job and hire a nanny for the kids.  I'm sure that you will make more on your job than you have to pay the nanny and it will get your wife off your back.

Answer 29

I am also the one who stays home with my daughter my wife is a student nurse so we decided i would stay home so she could go and train. You need to sit her down and have a good chat with her she is not being fair with you. Maybe she is stressed out and lashing out? But either way it's not right. Just give her a choice stop using it against you or you switch roles her choice. All the people saying how it is wrong and she should be home and you the bread winner ignore them times change. It is also possible that she is getting stick at work about it all maybe? Just have a good natter and see what happens.

Good luck

Answer 30

I think you really need to sit down and talk with your wife, marriage is about two people working together not arguing about who brings home the corn. My son is in the same situation as you, he is a house husband, but this works very well for them, they talk about everything and he even helps her out in her job when she has to do research for any project she is involved in, oh and the children are very well balanced and happy. Maybe your wife needs reminding that you did after all give your job so that she could further hers and if this is not working out maybe you should both reconsider, what your priorities are. She is probably so caught up in what she is doing she does not realise how much she is hurting you by saying these things. Good luck.  

Answer 31

You should explain to your wife that the reason you stopped bringing in the money to support the family was to enable her to further her career, and ask if she is not happy with that situation, then perhaps she should return to the house and you can go back to work.

Of course you could get find work anyway and pay someone else to take care of the children, you don't mention there ages, but I know from experience its not an easy job looking after children and the house, its certainly not always the easy option, and you are working but just not getting paid for it.

Have you applied for child tax and working tax credit, if so this money could go into your bank account, and would help you feel like you do have some control over some of the money.

But it does sound like you both need to sit down and talk and make a deal which you can both agree with, and no recriminations after.