How can i stop being so -ve but more encouraging even though I know my daughter is not as good as others?

Question

I constantly compare my daughter to other children which means i constantly pick on her and we end up in an argument. On one hand i know i shouldn't allow that happen which adding extra pressure on her but in these competitve world i worry that she is not going to achieve well in life which she might have regrets like me speaking from experience. I am constantly looking for that x factor in her whether she is brillant at something or perhaps a cheeky personality to stand out amongst the crowd but none i can see so far. I do believe it could be my parenting skill being so inadequate that i have let her down. Am i the only one ? How can i improve the suitation without getting work up in anything and everything?

Answer 1

Learn to love her for who she is not who you want her to be. She may not be the best at what you want, but I bet she has a lot of amazing qualities you are overlooking.

And comparing her to others will cause a lot of resentment. No one likes to hear they are never good enough, certainly not a child from their own parent. The one person who is supposed to love them despite their flaws.

It sounds to me like you know exactly what you need to do, lay off her and just love her and get to know her as a person, not as an underachiever.

Answer 2

You have to love your children for who they are and they will flourish on their own time.  Please seek counseling because your negative attitude will do more damage to her self image than anything else!  Let her be herself and don't push her to be like anybody else.  Great parents love their children unconditionally.  They don't think that their children are defective.

Answer 3

You're actually describing your own child as "not being as good as others"?

Wow.  Just...wow.

EDIT:  Sorry, I just had to digest that for a moment.  

It's one thing if your daughter is slacking, not studying and keeping up with her schoolwork, and just generally not trying.  You should encourage her to work hard and to do her best, but that is all you can expect from her: her best.  

Not every child is cut out to be a straight-A honor roll student, nor are they all cut out to be star athletes.  You should encourage her interests and find out what she is good at and finds enjoyable.  But you should never, EVER make her feel like you think she is "not as good" as everyone else.  That will cause more damage to her than anything.

Answer 4

You know if that child grows up with lack of confidence in herself. It will be all your fault

Answer 5

If you feel bad about your actions then you already know you have to stop this behavior. You are damaging your child's confidence. You may want to look into counseling because maybe you are not happy with yourself and are projecting. If you feel that your daughter is not as good as others then you really have a serious issue. All people are not alike we do not all have the same strengths and it would be a pretty boring world if we did. Sit back and notice your daughters strengths instead of comparing her all the time. How sad for her. She must be miserable.

Answer 6

First, I would take a look at what is wrong in your life that makes you think your child needs to be perfect to succeed in the world. I personally have 2 beautiful boys.One is 15 years old, an Honor Roll student, poetic, popular and creative. I have an 11 year old son who is learning disabled. He is in special classes, needs a classroom helper with him at all times and is 3 grade levels behind. Both children receive encouragement, not criticism. Each child develops at his/her own pace and the ones that are behind will, with love and encouragement, catch up. Stop stressing over this, stop comparing your child to everyone else's child. She knows you're disappointed in her and this is probably hindering her development. I would seek a local Parent's group or a counselor to teach you some stress management skills and help you develop healthy goals for your child. If not, you will end up with far worse than a child who is behind in school. You'll end up with one who cannot stand you.

Answer 7

We get the kids we get.

Something is happening for you, not your child.  Were you hoping that your child would have some attribute you lack?

Sounds as though you need to mourn the child you had hoped to get (brilliant, great personality, better than everyone else), and learn to love the child she is.

The alternative is to raise a child with terrible self-esteem who hates her parent for never loving her as she is.

Answer 8

No child can be the best at everything.  No one is the best at everything.  If she is still young, there is a lot of time for her to find her thing.  As long as she is trying to do what she should, putting an effort in at school and working hard on other things she tries (classes, sports, etc.) then just let her be a kid.  Keep encouraging her to try new things, let her be in clubs and in different activities.  Help her increase her self esteem and she may excel at her activities.  (And if she doesn't, don't make her think that your love is contingent on her success).

Answer 9

i find myself doing that with my son, and sometimes i think i should try therapy for it, cuz i know it isnt good for him.

Answer 10

Not as good as others?

Whoah thats awful! How on earth could you say that.

You should love your daughter no matter what, even if she doesn't have "X-FACTOR" or whatever you want her to have.

Answer 11

im speechless............. that doesnt happen too often.

Answer 12

Every child is different and special in there own way. Just because she isn't showing you a "special" stand out x factor doesn't mean she's isnt going to be successfull of different. Your crushing her self confidence...if she can't be who she is around her mother how do you think she's going to be when she's an adult and or get attention when she's an adult. Thats your lil girl...you should never compare her to other children

Answer 13

'Scuse me, I'm about to go all "Bad cop" on you :|

. . . you want to WHAT? So you're saying.. your child is "nothing special"?! Well she SHOULD BE H-E-L-L-O SHE'S YOUR DAUGHTER! & She'd be just beautiful [yeah, personality, talents & looks] no matter how much she does or doesn't "stand out" ! Oh, and worried that she cant succeed in a competetive world? Yeah, yeah you should tell her "Hunn, look at your friends you know how much better grades they have than you?" Yeah, yeeah that sure builds confidence! Sure makes her feel happy!  NOT! If you were pressured to get 'better than your best' , would you be like "Hey, yeah I should totally try my best!" -__- Well maybe some people would but some people can also take it the wrong way! If you intereperet words wrong, you can get messages like "Hun, I like your friends better than you." , "You're not good enough." , "Why can't you be popular?!" , "Why , why, why?!" I'n other words, BUILD HER CONFIDENCE NOT BREAK IT.

So next time your daughter comes home with a bad grade, just tell her that if it was her best & she tried, that's just fine. It wouldn't hurt to improve, because there's always room for improvement! & If her best is a C- , well, you can't change that accept it, besides, there is nothing wrong with that, and just because of those lettered grades, doesn't mean she's not gonna be succesful when she grows up! It never does. Just the fact that she never ever should give up.

Even my old english teacher told a friend of mine "In your science test you got 5 out of 78 right. & you know what, I'm proud of you. Looking at this test makes me realize, you tried, you did your best, and that's all I want to see." He never ever said "Tch, your friend over her got a perfect test score! C'mon, try to be like him/her!" [How rude.]

:|

Answer 14

She needs confidence, try to put her in a chance to exceed over the kids worse than her.

Answer 15

Sounds like your scared she is going to end up like you. Are you not happy with yourself? Change your focus to your daughter being succsessful in happiness, after all thats all your really chasing for her. Its obviouse you just want the best for her, and there is nothing wrong with that, but its possible, that by being judgemental to her, your actuallly squashing that personality, when she needs to be developing it.

You may not be able to see it but others will, you spend so much time with her your use to her.

It is a competitive world, i agree, but that means she needs to learn how to compete not how to be perfect. Perfection is just an illusion. Encourage her to do her best and let her know thats all you ask.

You know its not too late for you to achieve the things you want. if you have something you want to do, just do it.

There is always going to be someone better then your child at certain things, and that too is part of life.

Answer 16

I dont think you should conpare her to other children at all. my mom and dad used to do that to me and I would get sooo stressed.my mom and dad would tell me that they do that because they want me to do my best I then understood what my parents were talking about. they dont compare me as much but I was  so stressed feeling like I was not good enough. it showed in my grades in basketball and everything else I did. if you are like my parents  just wanting you daughter to do her best then tell her that.

Answer 17

I know how you feel. I am guilty of the act myself. I find myself asking my daughter what other people in her class got on test... report cards...etc. I don't come out and say "why can't you be like..." but I do like to use people in her class as reference points so she knows what examples  of "good" students are. I don't think she will be that A student but I too am looking for that one thing that she can excel in... I personally don't think its wrong to use other students as references...but I would refrain from saying "why can't you be like..." I would begin focusing on the positive things that your daughter does.. like maybe she completes her homework without a battle or prompting..positive things should be something you really make a big deal out of so she begins to do them more often

Answer 18

concentrate on her abilities I'm sure she has some we all do and high light those to her, ask her what she likes to do have her practice them and if she does good her confidence will go up and she will do better at other things too, do not compare her with others, that's the worse thing you could do and even if she does not do so good on something give her some encouragement to do better next time, be really involved and positive on her things show her that you trust her to do good.