How can one let go of a heavy burden?

Question

Hey all, my parents divorced when I was 3 and my teenage years are just about ending. Since I was 10 I've been an adolescent. I left my mom to live with my dad when I was 15 and saw a lot of psyche docs. and took a lot of meds for a lot of stuff I probably don't have. I took charge of my life at 18 and became a full time student with a full time job. With my own dreams now. I'm saving up for a motorcycle next summer =)

Why am I typing this if I seems okay? Well I'm not okay. I'm at a threshold where I can't cross. I'm overwhelmed with school and work. I left my girlfriend because I don't feel ready for a relationship yet. I'm letting go and I don't know if the fall will turn out good or bad. I'm getting really high grades, joining clubs and getting scholarships but I have no set goal.

I have the ambition. I just don't have the motivation.

The reason for this all is because of leaving my mother. She has chronic asthma, denies that she's in debt, personality and anxiety disorders, and depressed. She has taught me one thing in this life and it's that no matter how messed up someone is you still have to respect them. I still talk to her and still visit her but she latches onto me like she's gasping for air when I do. I'm so indifferent towards her it's not alright. I've accepted the fact that life has it's hopeless dead ends. But it STUNTS me.

How do I break through the d**n wall and become my own person? I feel like this is my second step. The first step was getting out of that house. My father and step mother have their different view points that I have not yet accepted. I'm physically healthy as an ox but not mentally as strong.

Just so perceptive and sensitive to the dead end I've gone into. My step mom says "you've jumped legions, if you look back at where you were a few years ago." I have but my weak soul is back at my home going no where. Sitting and festering, and becoming a heavier burden every year that flies by. ( Thought I would dramatize it a little to make it a good read for you =P. )

What can I do..

Answer 1

Yeah, what can you say?

Other people feel the same way.

I always felt the same way about my parents, and perhaps rightly so.  Since then i have grown up and looked around and noticed that everyone else's parents were weird too.  When i think about it, only one family i can think of bears any resemblance to the Flanders on The Simpsons.  So if it helps, everyone else has been oddly and dramatically affected by their parents too.

You don't have much control over your parents.  You will not be able to enlighten them as to their mistakes in life, in dealing with each other, or their relationship with you.  You clearly have a mature outlook on the situation and it should be time for your family to listen to you, but the nature of being the child and not the parent is so overwhelming it will be very difficult to get your point across.  What I  mean to say is that about all you can do is be nice and try to help them in any way.  This is the root of post-teenage angst, you get to the point where you see your parents (and the worlds) faults very clearly and they are shocking and hurtful.  You must accept them or rage against them.

Your family does stunt you, compared to having the Huxtables as parents.  However, the way you can help yourself is by saying "i am making the best of my situation in life.  I do not reject my parents, because whoever they are, they are the only parents i share that special bond with and they have made me who i am."  Think of the things you blame your parents for, and think of how they may have positively affected you.  Even in her desperate clinging, your mother has given you manners, the divorce has made you more independent, etc, etc.  

Mothers are often upset over losing their sons to college.  Your mother especially may not have anyone else to be there for her.  That is  normal, and it will continue for a long time.  Wait until you're almost 30 and your mother pitches an unholy fit when you go outside on a 50 degree day without a hat on.  You learn to put that hat on and walk out looking stupid rather than argue that it isnt cold, because she means to say she is still your mother and still matters; thats what all mothers say.  

As you get older, familial bonds tent to have less definition and less value.  It hurts a little.  Both parent and child look back fondly to a time when they were each others world entire.  But your world is bigger now and you're doing the right thing by going out into it.  Let it feel good.  You don't have unfinished business at home.  You have unfinished business at school and in your life.

Or, perhaps instead of longing nostalgia you have a feeling like WTF just happened to me in my childhood and why doesn't it make sense.  Id like to know why a lot of things happened in my house,  but if i could go back and see it from am omniscient point of view, i dont think it would make me feel any better.  

A word of practical advice, if i may.  (nobodys stopping me!) If youre overworked at school, drop the clubs.  Employers dont care. Seriously, colleges cared,but employers dont even want to know.

How can you become your own person?   Well, i don't know what else you are right now.  If you mean to say "how can i differentiate myself from my former life?) or ask how you can become so immersed in your awesome life that you wont remember things that hurt you, then youre on your own.  But isnt that the point?

As far as how you can have the energy and responsibility to mull over  family issues, go to school, work, and have a girlfriend at the same time and consider where your sense of self is compared to the wall you need to break through, man, if you can do all that then please let me know how, preferably in a yahoo answer.  

Emily Dickinson said (i paraphrase) "the shock of living is so severe that it leaves little time for much else."  I dont really know how to tell you to find the path to enlightened mental health.  Unless that path lies in me not telling you and you not asking.  

I think you will like to read the Stoic philosopher Epictetus.  His verses are very short, clear and easy to read.  I liked the translation in the book The Art Of Living by Sharon Lebell.  

Im bored of this for now, so good luck in life!

Answer 2

I understand how you feel.Understand this,all your past experiance made you who you are today.I know things may still hurt and thats ok.The experiances were in the past ,but you pain and stress is here today.Don't repress it, let it run through you and past you.It will turn to something that will make you stronger and smarter.You are at a place where the world is what you decide to make of it.Happy or sad, it's all part of life and it can't rain every day!The sun will rise on you friend,good luck!

Answer 3

say a simple answer is move out pick up and leave start to care for yourself because your all you've got friends family they all can turn there back on you the best way is to be run by yourself for yourself which i have learned in my life. you want to help people i mean any little thing you try to help someone with seems to stab you in the back. best way is to watch your own back and take care of yourself!

Answer 4

You can respect your mother without feeling responsible for her.

It sounds like you are well on your way to becoming your own person. Life has speed bumps and detours, but not dead ends.  Again, you are not responsible for your mother and her issues.  You may be feel you are indifferent to her, but I think you are protecting yourself from her.

You will define goals as you move along. cut yourself some slack!. You are young, you have years to set goals. Keep on with your education.   Keep moving forward, keep learning and experiencing what is ahead of you. I think it was smart to end relationship if you are not ready for always and forever.  There will  be plenty of time later.

Answer 5

Who made you responsible for all this grief?  Furthermore, are you qualified to treat it?

If not, then get as far away from it as possible.  These people are adults and responsible for themselves.  Nothing will ruin your life faster than being someones crutch!

A very wise man once told me "The most charitable act is sometimes distance!"  Get out of there before you become "them".

Once you are on your own, you will have problems enough to handle to keep you busy.  

I had to do this to my alcoholic mother.  But it saved my life...or better said..it GAVE me a life to live!