How can they say you cant spoil a baby?

Question

my 1 month old wont let us put him down. when i do he cries. what do i do?

Answer 1

He isn't spoiled?  He spent 9 months in your belly and every single instinct he has says if he lets you put him down and walk away he will freeze to death or be eaten by wolves.  He is expressing basic human infant instincts and needs.  And just as some babies NEED more sleep, or more food some babies NEED more human contact for proper brain development.

I'm sorry if that doesn't conform to your life.  Get a baby carrier then you can have your hands back.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T10020...

Few parents make it through their offspring's babyhood without being told that all their efforts to nurture and respond to their baby will surely spoil her. And if it's not spoiling that they're warned against, they're told not to let themselves be "manipulated" by baby. Attachment parenting is not the same as indulgently giving your child everything she asks for. We stress that parents should respond appropriately to their baby's needs, which means knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no." Sometimes in their zeal to give children everything they need, it's easy for parents to give their children everything they want, and this is indeed harmful. Parents must learn to distinguish between a child's needs and a child's wants.

Yet, telling the difference between needs and wants is not a problem that parents have to wrestle with during their early months of parenting. In the beginning, wants and needs are the same. During the first several months of life, a baby's wants are a baby's needs. A consistent "yes" response teaches babies trust, which will make them more accepting of "no" later on, when they start wanting things they should not have. If you learn to know your baby by responding readily to his needs in the early months, you'll have a good sense of when it's appropriate to say no later on.

New parents often ask, "Won't holding our baby a lot, responding to cries, nursing our baby on cue, and even sleeping with our baby spoil her?" Or they ask if this kind of parenting will create an overly dependent, manipulative child? Our answer is an emphatic no. In fact, both experience and research have shown the opposite. Attachment fosters eventual interdependence. A child whose needs are met predictably and dependably does not have to whine and cry and worry about getting his parents to do what he needs.

Dr. Sears suggests: Attachment parenting implies responding appropriately to your baby; spoiling suggests responding inappropriately.

The spoiling theory seems scientific. At least it seemed logical to the childcare "experts" who popularized this idea, beginning in the early part of the 20th century. They thought that if you rewarded crying by picking the baby up, he would cry more, so that he would get picked up more. It turns out that human behavior is a little more complicated than this. It is true that if you carry a newborn baby in your arms much of the time, the baby will protest when put down in the crib. This baby has learned how to feel right, and she lets you know when she needs help getting that feeling back. However, in the long run, this rightness within her will make her less likely to cry for attention. She gets used to feeling right most of the time, and her parent's responsiveness shows her how to recognize her own needs. Spoiling happens when a child is put on the shelf, left alone, forgotten about--the way that food spoils. There was no scientific basis for this spoiling theory, just unwarranted fears and opinions. We would like to put the spoiling theory on the shelf – to spoil forever.

http://www.naturalchild.org/tine_theveni...

Hymes, in his book Child under Six, describes a habit as an action which can easily be broken. "If you run into any major difficulty at all," he writes, "Beware! You are probably not dealing with an old outworn habit. The chances are that you are tampering with a human need."5

If the body indicates a need for food, treating it like a habit and disregarding it will not make the hunger go away. Ignoring the sensation of wanting to lie down and sleep will not cure one forever from having to sleep eight hours a day.

But if one is in the habit of putting his keys in his right pocket, there need be only a worn-out pocket to change the habit from putting the keys in right to the left pocket.

[...]

When our children develop a "good" habit, one that suits us, we are afraid it is not going to last. But when our children develop a "bad" habit, one that does not suit us, we are afraid it is going to last forever. So many people are afraid that their children will not grow up. We are told to feed them solids with a spoon at three weeks of age, lest babies will never learn to eat solids, let alone with a spoon. We are told to toilet train them when they are one year old or they will never quit wearing diapers. We are told to begin to discipline them at one month, otherwise they will never listen to us. We are told that children must always sleep in their own bed or they will always want to sleep with us. It is commonly believed that babies need to be weaned by the mother. And yet when weaning is left totally up to the child, it happens in a natural, healthy, and relaxed way. At the time the child no longer needs direct physical contact with his mother, then he weans himself from the breast. Likewise, parents' experiences indicate that the healthy child will wean himself in time from the parental bed.

[...]

Children should be given the credit that, provided the home environment is healthy, they will mature. As each need is fulfilled at each stage, they will move on and become more mature. (We did. Let's hope.)

It will be found that one phase passes into another, and another, and another. Please trust that in a sound surrounding the child will graduate from each stage of development.

I remember carrying my first infant throughout the day. Then she began to crawl and I no longer needed to hold her so frequently. I remember nursing her fifteen times a day. Now she is weaned and eats and drinks what we eat and drink. I used to take her with me wherever I went. And if I could not take her I stayed home. (Except if she was asleep.) She was happiest with this arrangement. Then when she was about three years old, she took another step toward independence-, she looked forward to the occasional babysitter to read her a bedtime story and put her to bed.

A child who has his needs fulfilled will become an independent, secure person. But independence cannot be forced upon someone.7 It takes time and growing at the individual's own pace. The more secure he is in the knowledge that he can always come back to his parents, the more independent he will become. We will only create problems if we regard his needing us at night as a problem which should be "cured."

Answer 2

If his diaper is clean and he has been fed, you can put him down and not have to worry about him.  If you have a mobile for the crib turn that on.  He just wants to be held and doesn't need to be.  My oldest demanded to be held and I had to let her cry and learn I couldn't hold her all the time.  It doesn't hurt him to cry for a little while.  He will get tired of the noise and start looking around for something to look at.

Answer 3

just comfort  him he cant be spoiled untill he starts to be more aware of things  

Answer 4

Don't feel bad!  I know what you are saying.  My little one had to be walked constantly!  As much as you love them you wish you could have just 5 minutes sometimes - it's normal.  

You really can't spoil a baby that young.  'They' say a baby won't cry just to manipulate until about 6/9 months.  The baby cries at that age because they have a valid need to be filled.  Don't feel like you're starting any habits this young.  My little girl is 7 1/2 months and I still run everytime she cries - which actually isn't a lot at all. I'm not into CIO for any reason but that's just my opinion.

OK a few things that really helped me:

1. When he gets a little bigger - a baby bjorn.  I just wore my daughter all over the place. Although now that I think about it - sometimes just seeing me was enough - my mom got me a bassinet with wheels - I'd wheel her into the kitchen and talk to her while I made dinner.

2. A swing really worked for her at some point.  Find what works for you - maybe a vibrating chair.

3. A friend told me this phase won't last long - enjoy your baby wanting to be held because they grow up so fast!  And after hearing that, I wasn't so frustrated about having to walk her all the time.  I guess just knowing that it wouldn't last forever!  

Hope any of this helps you!!  Again - don't feel bad!  You're tired - you just had a baby - we've all been there!  You're a good mom being concerned enough to come on here and ask.  



Good luck!

Answer 5

They say that because it's true.

Your baby was IN you for 9months, warm, held by you, hearing your heatrbeat, hearing you breathe... Being rocked by your every step.

& you expect him to suddenly sleep on a hard, uncomfortable, still crib?

I don't think so. Hold him as much as he NEEDS. Babies don't know what they want, they only know what they need. Your baby NEEDS to be held, so HOLD HIM.

He will be more independent as he grows.. Right now, he needs you.

It's not my intention to make you feel bad; sorry.

You could get a sling to get things done while holding him

Swddling is known to help a baby sleep for longer periods of time.

God Bless

Answer 6

Have you tried swaddling him? It makes him feel secure.  

Answer 7

It's true! You can't spoil a baby. Your son is a month old, he wants to be held, he isn't spoiled. If you need to do other things and he won't let you put him down then try a sling. You can still clean and make supper with him in the sling.

Answer 8

You Are Not A Horrible Mom.  You are doing the best you know how, and therefore you are the best mom you can be - I am proud of you for trying to do the best you can for your infant and your toddler I can imagine it is stressful.  

I would highly suggest using a sling or wrap (I myself prefer to use the wrap for my daughter when she still could not support her head by herself, but when she wanted to see everything for herself I switched to a sling).  I must warn you away from "bag slings" those can be dangerous for your little one.  But there are a lot of choices out there when it comes to "baby wearing" and no matter what, the best choice, and the best product, is the one that works best for you.  Do a web search for "baby wearing" you should be able to get a lot of good information to be able to decide what will be best for you and both of your children.

Answer 9

I understand.  My second is much fussier than my toddler ever was.  He's colicky, has reflux, and cut teeth very early.  He also doesn't nap.  At all.  I've tried a sling, swaddling, a swing, etc.  He hates it all except at night.  Sometimes I have no choice but to let him cry for a few minutes.  Sometimes longer.  I can't let my two-year-old run around completely unsupervised because my baby will only stop crying if I hold him  while standing in the hallway (he can be very particular).  I can't hold or sling him while I'm cooking dinner or cleaning the house.  That can be dangerous.  I'm sure not going to hold him while I go to the bathroom.  Sometimes I just have to put him down and take care of my other responsibilities or just take a break.  I'm sure I'll get all kinds of thumbs down because I'm ruining my kid's life by letting him fuss.  But, he's yet to spontaneously combust, and he seems to still like me when I come back to get him.  Sometimes, he even calms down after a few minutes of protesting.  Do what you need to do to take care of your family.  If that means letting your baby cry for a bit, then so be it.  You're not a bad mom a all.

Answer 10

Get a swing, or swaddle him up and put the womb sounds thing next to him when you lay him down.

EDIT- You are not a horrible Mom, you need to do things around the house, and your baby needs to not be so dependent on being held.    the people making the comments, how do you do dishes, cook dinner, clean the house...etc?????

Answer 11

buy a sling. or try a comfy swing that rocks side to side. and definantly try swaddling.

Answer 12

It's normal to want to put them down. You can have the three year old play with him while you do things if possible. You CAN NOT spoil a baby especially under three months. All they are doing is learning who they can trust and who will do the things for them that they need done. Don't worry, I'm sure you're doing great, just hold on and it will get better.  

Answer 13

The idea about spoiling your baby and making him cry it out was invented during the 1920 and 1930's by several male psychologists who didn't actually have any kids of their own.  Also, they just came up with these ideas and didn't do any scientific studies.  They just published their ideas.  The doctors took them as fact and told moms to do it.  Those moms did it and then told their daughters to do it to their babies.  That's why this thinking is still around.  However, now we have scientific studies that say that these ideas can be harmful to babies.  

Babies are make to be held.  During the course of evolution as our brains got bigger, we began to walk upright and our pelvises weren't strong enough to hold our babies in as long as other mammals do.  Our babies are born more dependent on us than most other mammals.  Think about all the different mammals who are born able to walk.  Anyway, if we were living in tribes, there wouldn't really be very many safe places to put our babies down.  Babies are made to be carried.  They grow better when they get that skin on skin contact from us.  It makes smarter babies and it helps attachment because babies learn to trust us.  Just follow your instincts and take care of your baby.

Answer 14

HOLD HIM!!

try swaddling him, if that doesnt work, then hold him.