How can we compromise on our wedding plans?

Question

I just recently asked my girlfriend of one and a half years to marry me. We've set a "timetable", as I like to call it, for when our wedding will be (about a year from now); I don't want to set an official date just yet, because both of us are not doing very well financially and I'm not sure if we'll be able to afford it by that time. She knows this problem and acknowledges it. However, she still insists on setting a date and making reservations for the arrangements right away. What is the best way to tell her we can't set any definites yet?

Also, a sub-question: I would like my best friend, who lives in Texas (across the country from us) and who I primarily talk to online, to be my best man. My best friend also happens to be female. My fiance is against my friend being in my wedding party, let alone being my best man. She gives a variety of reasons why this is, from "you only talk to her online" to "it's unconventional to have a woman as the groom's best man, what will our families think?" I think it's because she's jealous that I have such a close friendship with another woman. What can I do to persuade my fiance that having my best friend as my best man isn't a bad idea, and that it's not her decision, but mine?

Answer 1

Technically it is her decision. Its her wedding. Now i know, grooms are like, well actually its both of ours. But, its tradition to honor the bride that day. Its her day, her planning, etc. And, i would be jealous too if my husband had chosen a girl for the Best man part. Its supposed to be a man. And, think about it, what if she had guy friends that she asked to be "brides maids". What would you think then. And, for the bride, its normal for the date to want to be sent. It gives a goal. Use it as leverage...if you want it by this date, then we need to save the money now. Since you want it this day, we need to not buy this and concentrate on the wedding. She should have a date. Give her what she wants. This is her special day. It also helps her think, this is the day. I mean, you can't just propose and then be like, i dont know when we'll get hitched but we're engaged. Thats pathetic. Set a date, use it as a goal. Then, when it gets closer to that date, and you don't feel like you are all the way planned into it, say to her, you know, i was hoping this was our goal, but i don't think we have the money for it all yet, lets back it up a month. Just remember, talk about it 2 months before hand so that when you are sure of the date, you send the invites out and then let family know that this is for sure the date. Good luck and i hope i helped.

Answer 2

Its understandable that she wants to set a date for two reasons. 1. things get booked up very quickly, sometimes up to 18 months in advance. 2, she's a girl and wants to start planning her fairytale.

I may get some thumbs down from people on the best friend/ best man issue. But, I learned this the hard way. I have lost several very good, very platonic guy friends to marriage.

It is very hard to be married and have a close female friend. Online or not.

Your wife should be your best friend. Even if your fiance isn't normally jealous, I wouldn't blame her if this bothers her.

You don't mention whether or not you have actually met the girl online in real life. If you haven't its a VERY BAD IDEA for your first meeting to be when your wedding festivities are in full swing.

Answer 3

i suggest that you and your bride to be sit down and have a serious conversation about what  your and her likes and dislikes are. if you cant come to a compromise, be careful its not the time to be getting married. because marriage takes a lot of work and communication and agreements. if you cant come to terms now how in the world will you latter on in the marriage.  

Answer 4

I've been to a wedding where there was a best woman instead of a best man. It was the groom's sister who he was very close to. She wore a black dress and stood with the other groomsmen who were wearing black suits. No one thought it was strange. Maybe you need to re-assure her that this woman isn't a threat.

As for the setting the date thing- maybe she is just excited about planning the wedding. A lot of her family and friends are also probably asking her "So when's the big day?". I think you just need to talk to her honestly and tell her that you would hate it if you went ahead and made arrangements and bookings only to have to pull out because you could not afford it. Then you would lose deposits and all sorts of things as well. There needs to be some communication and compromise happening- that is what marriage is all about.

Answer 5

Date- well a general idea on season my help her begin planning so you can look into locations and colors.  But there is not much you can do till you know when it is, and be sure the locations you want are open then.

Suggestion-setting a date 2 years out, more time to save and plan

Best Man- have you met this person?  If you do know truly know her I understand you fiance worries.  It is odd.  but if you know this person then you need to tell you fiance this is who you choose and in the end its your choice and its one day.  And let your fiance pick your "best mans" dress.

Answer 6

Well if she doesn't like the idea THAT much then don't do it.  I mean talk to her about it a bit but don't push the issue toooo much.  It's not uncommon for a femal to be a best man I've seen it many times (same with a man being a maid of honour).

As for the date, leave it for a bit, start saving if she sees how much you can save she'll be willing to set a date a bit more.  I kind of agree with her on this point: if you don't have the money it's best to wait.

Answer 7

If you set a "timetable" of getting married about a year from now, than she is correct for insisting on setting a date and reserving venues now.  If you are planning to get married a year from now, than your time to plan for that event is now.  Reception venues, especially the good ones, can be booked up to 2 years in advance.  I personally do not think anyone should propose or accept a proposal until both fiscal houses are in order.  Money is one of the biggest reasons marriages fail.  You should sit down together and work on a budget, not only for the wedding but how you will handle your current and future financial matters.  If you don't know if you will be able to afford something next year (we're talking 1 year away, not 5 years), than you obviously do not budget your funds which is something you both need to do if you plan to marry.

Females on the groom side and males on the bride side are becoming quite common.  I definately believe she's more jealous that another woman can be called your best friend, when she probably believes that she is your best friend (and best female friend at that).  Has she met her?  Plan a get-together so she can get to know her and help get rid of any issues she has in her mind in terms of your relationship.

Answer 8

start researching the actual cost of things.  make your guest list and figure out how much it will be.  maybe at that point she will realize there can be no definites just yet (may want to discuss actual budget first)

as for the best man, that sounds like a bigger issue, if she is uncomfortable with it there is a reason...

Answer 9

You have some serious issues. First of all, even though she knows about the finance issue, she's a female and you've given her the green light to plan a wedding. There's no stopping the train now. She's also aware of the fact that you have to book venues a year or two in advance to get the date you want. If you want until next year, then try to plan a wedding at the last minute, you will get what is left as far as a place to get married and have the reception. She's trying to avoid that.

The best man issue is probably more personal. She may have issues with it, but I would too. I wouldn't want the man I was going to marry to have a female friend stand up for him. Sorry, but if she's your "best friend" than you probably should marry her. It doesn't make much sense when you look at marriage as a sacred trust between two people. You really need to reevaluate your love for your fiance and make a decision about what and who is important to you. Marriage is a big compromise. If you are stubborn and refuse to work this out, then you might not have a fiance after all. Your choice!

Answer 10

You asked this girl to marry you.  She said yes to the marriage but what she's talking about is not getting married but HAVING A WEDDING!!  And not a wedding meaningful to the two of you, but the wonderful fantasy wedding that she's always planned on since she read her first 'Bride' magazine as an 8-year old.

You get to be there, but it doesn't sound like you'll get much input, and apparently your best friend doesn't fit the role as she had dreamed it in the fantasy.  If she cannot compromise her fantasy about herself as THE BRIDE to allow you to have someone meaningful there it almost sounds like she's going to be the STAR and any guy would do as the groom, doesn't it?

The best way to tell her that you can't set any definites yet is to have an honest conversation with her.

Suggestions:

Is there something special about this wedding date or do you want it set so you can line up a church or reception hall?

How much money do you think the wedding will cost?

Just how fancy are you planning on?  Why?

Where can we save money so we will be able to afford this?

After this wedding is over and all that money has been spent, what happens next?

If the 'timetable' was for the date when we went to the courthouse and got married, and instead of a big wedding we used the money we would save to get out of debt and finance a place to live, would you still want to get married then?

Answer 11

Honestly, if you weren't ready to start making reservations and arrangements now, then you weren't ready to get engaged. What you have to do is plan out a wedding that you can afford, based on what you know about your financial situation now. If you're looking at something that's too expensive, try to figure out if there's a way you can save up for what you want. If there isn't, then you'll just have to go with something cheaper. There's nothing wrong with having a not-very-expensive wedding. If you're engaged, though, and especially if you already know your "timetable", then you actually do need to start the planning now. You can't just expect some miracle to come along and solve your financial problems, so you have to make sure you plan a wedding that you can afford.

As to your friend, that is a sticky situation. If you think your fiancee objects to your friend because she's jealous, there's a huge problem. First you need to ask yourself if maybe she has good reason to be jealous. Are there feelings between you and your friend which are perhaps not appropriate? Ask yourself this: if you and your fiancee were not together, would you consider getting involved romantically with your friend? If the answer is "yes", then your fiancee is completely in the right for disapproving of your relationship with her. If, however, your relationship with this friend really is completely platonic, then you need to reevaluate whether your fiancee is actually right for you. I would never want to marry someone who wouldn't let me be friends with a member of the opposite s*x.This is an issue you really need to work out with your fiancee before you get married.

If the situation really is just a matter of her not wanting to be unconventional by having a woman in the man's party, then a good compromise would be to have her take your friend as a bridesmaid.

  

Answer 12

I see her point... its hard to plan things when there is no date.  The date is VERY IMPORTANT!! If you feel that a year is not long enough set the date further back but definitely set a date.  Its important for the bride to have the date set!!!  On the other hand...I feel like if this women over the internet is someone you met over the internet and not someone you went to school with or know personally other then over the internet then you should think about your fiance feelings.  But if this person is someone who means a lot to you and you truly feel like she is a best friend then just tell your bride to be she has no choice.  She is your best-women and if she loves you and really wants to be with you forever she will deal with it.  If its a trust issue I would definitely think twice before marring her.  You have to have trust in a marriage!!!

Good luck to you!