How can we guarantee that adoptive parents reveal adoptive status to the adoptee?

Question

Are there any ways that would ensure that, so no adoptee would have to be a LDA? (Late Discovery Adoptee)

Thanks for your ideas.

Answer 1

There's no gurantee Julie. And it may hurt or spoil the relationship once it is revealed. Sometimes, it is better, if it is kept a secret till the end.

Answer 2

All adoptees deserve the right to know. For those who are internationally adopted, it's obvious they're adopted becaues they don't look like their adoptive parents. For those parents who never tell their children they're adopted, they will find out one day and be very upset. It's best to tell the child as soon as they're able to understand.

Answer 3

Life doesn't come with guarantees. I don't know how old you are but, as an adult, it is something you learn. There are absolutely just not any guarantees about anything in life -- other than that none of us make it through alive.

I absolutely believe very strongly in letting children who are adopted know immediately that they are adopted, and sharing with them everything about their birth and their history. I don't believe in secrets, I feel strongly about telling people the truth, and I think everyone has the right to know their birth story. But there is no way to guarantee this will happen.

I would like to guarantee that no child is ever left to go hungry. We have plenty of food in this world but, there is no way to guarantee even to your own child that they will be fed. Certainly we can't guarantee that something as subjective as revealing adoption status to one's children is ever made to hold. When I adopted my child, I told his birthparents that I believed strongly in sharing thier story with the child and I made it clear to them how I felt. I established trust with them. And I have upheld that trust and I love my child just as if I'd given birth to him myself and; I will always be grateful to them for having done what I could not.

Answer 4

I think that all adoptees have a right to know where they came from....and when their parents give them up for adoption....it shouldnt only be about protecting the parents rights....but also the rights of the child.

Answer 5

I think all adoptive parents should tell their adoptees about their past from the beginning.  Having said that, I'm not sure there is any way to guarantee.  Legislating parental communication would be interfering with the family by the government in a way that we should resist, in general.  

I do think we could notify adoptees of their status when they turn 18.  With that required notification, I would expect many adoptive parents would want to tell their children earlier so that they are the ones to tell them.  

Probably the most important and effective step we could take would be to change society's attitudes towards adoption.  A recognition of the difference of adoption and, at the same time, a de-stigmatization of adoption, would make parents more likely (though it wouldn't guarantee) to be honest with their children.

The fact that people insist on lying to themselves and to their children about the differences inherent in adoption, that they continue to insist there is NO DIFFERENCE between adoption and giving birth, contributes to stigmatizing adoptions (and adoptees) and convinces parents that they should keep it a secret.  

That needs to end.

Answer 6

You could require a home visit (or that the parent's bring the child in) at a specific age to reveal the adoptive status.  Any form of letters or phone calls would be too easy to fake.  Of course, considering that you wouldn't do this until the adoptee is years away from having been adopted (if adopted as an infant), I'm not sure of how easy tracking would be if the parents were determined to not reveal this to their child.  There's really no guarantee in the end that all adoptees will find out at a younger age.  The best that any agency can do is require later visits at an appropriate age and to stay involved with the families, but very persistent families will still slip out of the loop.

The biggest thing that can be done is some for of outreach to the community.  If it isn't seen as a negative thing to be adopted, then no one has a reason to hide it from their child.  Right now, there's a weird stigma of being "abandoned" or "not wanted" associated with being an adoptee, even though they have the special privilege of being the only children who *know* that their parents wanted to have them (consider all of the paperwork they had to fill out, when every other kid has no way of knowing whether or not they came from a broken condem or months of trying!).

Answer 7

You can't guarantee it. Once a child is adopted it's up to the adoptive parents.

I think it is in the best interests of the child to talk about it openly from a young age as "secrets" of this kind make the person feel like they are "bad" when it finally comes out.

OPenness in adoption is something that many from all parts of the adoption triad are promoting. It's so much healthier for all rather than the secrets and lies that abounded in adoption's history.

Answer 8

Phil's answer is excellent.  I'm adopted and my parents told me from the start that i was adopted.  I have yet to meet a late discovery adoptee who wasn't negatively affected by not being told.  All of the evidence points to the fact that telling the truth from the start ensures a healthier life for the adoptee and a healthier parent-child relationship.  Any relationship that starts off with dishonesty is bound to have problems.  This is particularly true of a relationship as important as the parent-child relationship.

As for how to ensure that adoptive parents tell the truth, I can't say that there is a way to guarantee this.  However, I believe agencies should strongly stress the importance of honesty from the start.

Answer 9

Universal Soldier: the appropriate time for an adoptee is know is at their adoption. Even as babies, they should always be told, even if they don't completely understand. Many LDAs report feeling left-out & different & not knowing why. For some, finding out that they were adopted answers a lot of questions.

Also, not telling the children the truth until "an appropriate age", well, when is the appropriate age? Will the child feel betrayed because the parents didn't tell him or her sooner? The longer you leave off telling them the truth, the longer you risk them finding out by accident & that can cause all sorts of problems.

I always knew I was adopted & it didn't negatively affect my "upbringing & peace" as a kid.

As for the original question, I don't know, but I wish there was a way. Adoptive parents should care about their child enough to be honest with them from the start.