How can you discipline WITHOUT violence?

Question

Long story short, one night I got a phone call from a girl I had a night of "fun" with...turns out that for the past 8 years she had been desparately trying to find me while I bounced all over the country--because she had my kid. I was actually thrilled, and took a dna test which proved the child was mine. I let the 2 of them move in with me, and took up a new life as a dad.

Here's the problem: The little girl is EXTREMELY disrespectful towards me, won't do anything I ask her to, screams at me, flips me off, calls me racial slurs, once tossed a glass of water on my face while I was sleeping and thought it was funny. When I scream at her, she laughs at me like I'm a stand up comedian. I've been *SO* tempted to rip my belt off and just lay it on her until she's scarlet red all over, but then I remember getting beatings at home--and having 29 scars on my body to this day, which is why I don't talk to my parents.

My gf says I need to be the dad and get her under control, but I can't!

Answer 1

First, well done for keeping your temper and not beating her.

You need to talk to your girlfriend and get on the same page - because really she should be the one taking the lead in this. This little girl doesn't know you and suddenly she's supposed to respect you and let you into her little family? She's bound to be confused and unhappy, and also jealous. But that doesn't mean she should be allowed to get away with dreadful behaviour. And that means the two of you adults have to stamp down on it 100% and tell her it is unacceptable for her to behave like that towards anyone at all, regardless of how much she dislikes living with you.

Have you talked to her about it? She's eight; she should be capable of having a conversation. I do wonder if maybe you should ask professional advice on this one. I'm not sure I can see any sort of discipline working until everything's out in the open as to why she feels this way about you.

Answer 2

depends on how old the kid is .

  try time out but you should be able to hit the kid like maybe on his/her hand or butt just for discipline and if that doesent work make her stand in a corner with her nose to the wall for a long time trust me no kid can stand against the corner for over 2 hours unless she has ankles of steel.

Answer 3

You need to earn respect.  If you dont the same stuff will continue.  I would spank the child (but not with a belt).  It sounds to me verbal threats are not working.

Answer 4

Discipline with mercy, make the discipline suit the crime. If this child is already 8 years old I don't know if can get a good hold on her , well you can but it is going to be hard. First of all both you and your spouse need to put up a united front. One can not contradict the other. You and your spouse need to set boundaries together and not interfere when one of you are dealing with the situation. If there is a favorite toy she really likes or activity it shoud be taken away for awhile . She acts up she should be sent to her room and made to stay there until her mad goes away. She is dealing with mixed emotions right now. She is old enough to explain to why she is  being sent to her room or why she can not go to the birthday party. Use the time out chair in the corner, and walk away and tell her not to get up until you say. The Bible says spare the rod and spoil the child and that is what she is, spoiled. Have a small paddle like a ping pong paddle and use it in the correct place when needed. Once she unterstands life as she once knew it over , things will get better, but remember do not disipline while you are really angy. Give yourself a chance to cool off before you end up hurting instead of correcting. This is probably the hardest thing there is to do is try to correct bad behavior once it has gone on as long as it has. Find child rearing books for young children to give you some professional ideas.  But for the most part she has to except the fact that you are there to stay and she has to respect you like her mother or start doing that too, but stay together on  this. You have to be solid on being together on what should be done. It is going to be "tough love" that wins out.

Answer 5

Firstly,

good on you for steping up to the plate as a father.

DO not hit her.

Simple ask her for her respect and tell her you are not one to hit her as a punishment, "I will just ask you to please be kind (Sarah)" And if it continues talk to your gf/her mother.

When she yells racial slurs, and nasty comments about you personally, retaliate with this.

(I used it o my kids whenever they called me names)

"Half of you is me darling, and if im that, theres a 50% chance you are too child."

That really shuts them up!

Good luck,

Libby xx - mother who has not even once spanked ANY of her #4 children. and they are all growing up pretty good!

Answer 6

give her a spanking to remember but only one if this doesn't work then take way things she likes this one is very effective!

Answer 7

I have found since children have different temperments, spankings work with some, and others it does not even phase them. I tried to spank my 7 year old on his behind with my hand, and he was trying not to laugh, and it was horrible, he thought I was a joke....so next step take away what they love,,,,I took away his PS2 and his TV..he cried and cried, and begged and begged, he asked me how could he go with out watching Spongebob, and can he just watch the cartoon network....and belive me that straightened him up, I  did not give in and he knows if he acts up I WILL do it again, the main thing is if you say you are gonna do something do it, and than they won't try to get over on you. GOOD LUCK

Answer 8

Well, there's no point in having much conversation here, since the little girl is the one in charge.

What a lot of parents do, however, is use parenting skills.

Ongoing beatings and spankings are not necessary. One demonstration that you WILL do it, however, is necessary. Next time she acts out, a solid, memorable spanking will put her on notice that you are over her nonsense.

Finally, quit screaming at her. Speak in a reasonable tome, and explain what you want accomplished. You're the adult. Bring her up to your level, not the other way around.

Answer 9

you have come into her life later so her opinions are already formed,you need to earn her trust and respect.she is testing you deliberatly to see if you are worthy of being her dad.be patient, and firm,i admire your resolve not to hit her,that would be absolutely the worst thing you could do,she will continue to goad you until you earn her trust,which you will eventually if you stay strong.return her tantrums with love,and knidness,however much she may make you insane with rage,(children can be so skillfull at that) and she will come to see that you are true,loving,and are not going anywhere.put yourself in her shoes, she is testing you, prove yourself worthy of her love and respect,and believe me you will get them.but it will take time.

Answer 10

give yourself a timeout,

you need not discipline her when you're angry

thats how kids get abused..

Calm down, sit her down and explain things to her

and then give her a major timeout.

spanking only proves that you failed as a parent.

Answer 11

Please, look for counseling.

There are ways to discipline kids without beating them.

Maybe you're background it's not good but you're in the right track when you notice that a belting is not the solution.

Good luck! You are a caring parent.

Carlos.

Answer 12

Discipline and violence are two ends of a scale. You are not disciplining if you resort to violence.

First, how long have you now been together? You need to clarify how much control the mother is going to allow in disciplining and if she is going to back you on it.

You can't take privileges away only to have the mother give them back- nothing learned.

Obviously, she has not been taught any respect for elders and you were not there at the time to provide it. Gets some family counseling that also works with the child. There are no set rules for curbing on raising any child, but a belt or hand is never the solution.  Taking away privileges will eventually get the message across, if you stick with it.

Answer 13

Simply put, you NEED to use violence. If you look at the new generations, they've been raised "discipline without violence" and look at how they've grown up. See in an extreme example: Bam Margera.

Beat her, and she'll eventually link pain to being bad, and avoid pain. [natural human stimulus]

Answer 14

well its only going to get worse, so you need to handle it now.  vioence obviously isnt the answer, but youve got to find a way to punish her.  privliges mean a lot to a child, especially when they know how fleeting they can be.  so whatever she likes doing, make it contigent upon listening to you.  and dont hesitate to take all privliges away when you need to.  youve got to establish dominance now, you can be nice to her in a few years...

Answer 15

What do you expect you have been gone for eight years and getting angry towards the poor kid will only make things worse. Sit down with the mother and discuss it with her. It will take some time for you all to settle in so you need to be patient. They have gone the last eight years without you. Try bonding with your child take to the park, shopping, movies. But dont over do it, just spend some time with her she needs to get used to you. One day she didn't have a father and next she did. If she keeps acting up then be firm wi thout yelling or getting violent as that will only make things worse. Tell her in a stern voice that is not on and sit her in a time out room or corner for 8minutes (1 minute per year of her age) be persistent and never threaten time out and not do it as she will learn to not take it seriously.  Never get violent you need to her trust and getting violent will loose it.

good luck

Answer 16

OK, no violence, but nothing wrong with a quick smack on the but as to get her attention.  Find out the things that she really likes and take them away until she shows respect.  Also explain to her the "WHY" and do not argue with her at all.  Remember that to get respect one must earn it and give it in return.