How can you judge when you have no idea how it feels.?

Question

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost 4 years. Some for ya'll on here are so against adoption, but do you know how it feels. I have cried night after night and prayed that I would be blessed with a beautiful child. We have the abilty to love and care for a child and then ya'll come on here and put people down for wanting to put their child up for adoption. Someone even suggested abortion. That is just horrible. Abortion kills a growing human being. So for those of ya'll that have a problem with adoption go on and talk about something else. These women are having a hard enough time as well as us that can't have children. There is no need to discourage. God intends for a plan for everyone in this case it is bringing a life into this world to bless another family with the gift of a child. Don't ruin that. Adoption is a gift by all means.

Answer 1

Well put!  

I hope that you & your husband are blessed with a child in the near future.  I understand how hard infertility & the adoption process can be.  When my aunt & uncle decided to adopt, I found this quote:

"Adoption is when a baby grows in a mother's heart instead of in her belly."

Good luck!

Answer 2

Joy M: What do you think would have been a better situation for you? Would you rather NO ONE had adopted you? Please don't think I'm disregarding your pain. I'm sure it's very real and I'm sorry it's caused you so much sorrow in your life. But you speak of adoption as if it's the worst thing in the world for a child. Even foster care isn't the worst thing (and yes, I know there are horrible, scary foster homes out there). Would you have preferred abortion? [NOT trying to start a debate here].

Answer 3

I try not to judge but when people start saying that adoption and their child is a "gift" is when I start having a problem.  You say that you cry night after night, well, so have I.  I have cried night after night for 3 1/2 years.  So when you say that this will be a blessing you don't know how it feels.  You just see that you will have a child and that child is a gift.

No child is a gift.

Answer 4

I am a gift from God who "healed" my adoptive parents infertility.

I am truly sorry they were infertile,

I am adopted, it is the worst pain I have known in my life.

Do you think it was really ethical to trade my well-being for theirs?

I am sorry you do not have all the children you want, I don't either.

I hope you kind find ways to put meaning in your life.

I understand you are hurting, but is that any reason to disregard a child's emotional well-being?

Noodles:  having an opinion that is different than yours is an act you consider terrorism?

Oh *sigh*

How does this attitude help you be a loving empathetic mother?

We are adoptees talking about our experiences how being raised by strangers felt for us.

It is especially hard on those that were raised by entitled women who felt that their feelings were all that mattered...

Answer 5

I completely understand where you are coming from.  We tried and tried to conceive and we did manage to get prgenant 4 times and miscarried each baby.  I spent much time wondering why two people who loved each other so much and wanted a family so badly would be refused the right to have children.  Many tears were shed between my husband and myself during those rough years.  After the second unexplainable miscarriage we decided to start the adoption process, we didn't have any money but knew it would be the only way.  Everyone kept saying "you know you are going to get pregnant as soon as you adopt" HONESTLY, I wanted to punch each person that said that.  I am not a violent person, but when you haven't been there...don't try to understand!  

Anyway, really long story short, we went on to have two more miscarriages, 22 "matches" that fell through and we decided to give up all together.  The next day the phone rang from an agency we had spoken with about hard to place situations.  They had a birthmom due in a week with a healthy baby girl...she just "wasn't the right color for all the other families on our waiting list"  That made me feel sick to my stomache!  

Our beautiful baby was born the next day!  We still didn't have any money, but the agency gave us two weeks to get something together since it was such short notice.  We had friends and family helping out, but we also took out a $17000 loan and are still paying for it.  

We also became foster parents and are about to adopt our son through foster care that has been with us since he was 6 days old.

I cringe to think of what would have happened if either of these birthmoms would have decided to abort rather than place for adoption!  They are little miracles!

God does have a plan for everyone and that includes you.  I know the path is long and rough, but God has a certain child or children there for you.  I am thankful the other 22 matches fell through....we have been blessed with the two most wonderful children in the entire world....that was Gods' plan for us.

My prayers go out to you, I know the road you are on too well, I did not share our story with you to gloat, but to shed some light on your story.  There is hope!  Never give up on God!

[edit]

I also would like to share with you that I know how difficult it is to hear people say things like "stop trying and it will happen" or telling you what they ate to get pregnant or when they slept or all of these crazy things that people feel it is their right to share with you since you are having trouble.

Also, one of the previous posters mentioned that there are things you can do in the mean time like getting involved with relatives children/fostering/volunteering/etc.  Those are great ideas, but I wasn't able to do any of them except getting involved with relatives children (which still felt like a knife in my back) until after we had our daugher.  I wasn't able to see the situations the foster children came from or anything like that while I desperately wanted to hear my child call me Mama!  I couldn't bear to see how some people treated their children, or hear some mothers complain about their baby that doesn't sleep all the way through the night.  I only wished I had a baby to be up with at night!  

I understand...

Answer 6

cant say it any better.NO ABORTION YES ADOPTION.

Answer 7

I'm sorry you can't conceive, and have been trying for 4 years.  You're looking for sympathy from people who have been separated from their natural families for their entire childhoods?

  You're comparing trying to make a child that doesn't exist(only the fantasy does) with those of us who have lost parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and sometimes siblings in real life.  And no one (including you) cares, or even acknowledges it.  As long as you get what you want.  Someone else's baby to soften your pain.

You potential adoptive parents can't understand WHY we are here 'whining' about the pain of adoption.  Why did Martin Luther King and Malcolm X 'complain'?  Why was Harvey Milk so angry?  Was was Caesar Chavez's 'problem' anyway?  These were people who stood up for people who had been exploited.  That's what we're doing.

Here's what a lot of adult adoptees wonder about adopters:  why can't you accept your situation (infertility) instead of circling the globe to hand over 30-50K to corrupt nations and exploit desperate women?  It is beyond my comprehension, truly.

And as someone once said to me about being adopted, I will say to you about your infertility:

It's not the worst thing.

P.S. Noodle--Cool, dude!  Loved the links!  The thought that the wave of adoption obsession may be lessening really made my day!  Thanks :-)

Answer 8

I couldn't agree with you more!!!

As far as I'm concerned, adoption is a very selfless act, and is a most wonderful gift that any one person can give to another.  I'm saying this because I have first hand experience in the matter.  I am the biological mother to an 11yr old son.

It can be a very difficult thing to do for the natural parents, but I tell you what it is an even greater blessing to see the difference that a child can make in a couple's life.  The couple that adopted my son are ever so grateful and thankful of the decision that I made.

And as for these people that want to put people down for wanting to adopt out their children, well that is none of their dam business.  They need to get a life, and stop trying to take the lives of innocent little babies that they think don't deserve to have a chance at life.

I think that it is incredibly responsible for a person to give up their child for adoption, if they know that they cannot give them the life that they think that they deserve.  That's the position that I found myself in.

And as pain full as it was to give my baby away, I praise God that he helped me to see the wonderful blessing that I was able to bestow upon another family who were childless.

I sincerely hope that you will someday be blessed with your own child, whether it be yours or somebody elses.

Good Luck, and God bless!

Answer 9

I know how it feels to grow up adopted - do you

Nobody should have to carry the burden of being a human band-aid for their parents' problems

I'm sorry you can't conceive that must be very painful for you.  So is growing up adopted.

I'm sure it feels real bad to lose a child to adoption but plenty of people pass judgment on mothers in the most harsh way possible they get blanket labelled with awful stuff like they are all drug addicts or aren't capable of raising a child  (of course only after they have finalized the adoption - prior to that they are angels and selfless godesses)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENMZZdaHI...

What I'm trying to say is, adoption is not all about you.  Adoptees who speak about how it feels being adopted are brave and courageous people who often get labelled as having a bad experience or bitter etc etc  but the truth is, we ARE adoption and no amount of name-calling or attempted patholozising (I'm looking at you noodles) is going to magically make our reality disappear

ps  You are right, the child is not literally 'abandoned' but please try to understand that this is an adults point of view. Despite how adults feel, many many children do FEEL abandoned.

For example would you tell a child whose father had left the family that they should not feel abandoned, because they still have a roof over their heads, a family and perhaps a replacement Dad?  KWIM?

Answer 10

You are so right.  Adoption is a special gift, not only to the adopting parents but to the child.  Those that come here and try to degrade you for wanting to adopt are probably the same ones that are actively promoting abortion.

Answer 11

I think basically it is because there are some people who have had bad experiences being adopted for various reasons.  I personally didn't, although I did go through the usual abandonment issues (primal wound is a great book about that http://www.amazon.ca/Primal-Wound-Unders...

).  So do I believe adoption is a good thing?  Yes, although there are some changes that need to be done, but as a future adoptive parent than maybe you will help in those changes.  Do I think adoption is a better choice than abortion?  Yes, definately.

Answer 12

I do not try to criticize because I have always been taught that you never know about some things unless you can walk in their shoes.

Answer 13

I SO AGREE  my husband and i have not been blessed with a child after 3 yrs of ttc but i thank god i do have a child by my first marriage,, but my husband is the only dad he really knows, and we are hoping that my husband will be able to adopt him the beggining of the year( money is an issue)  see my husband has allowed me to be an at home mom since we got married and he believe that is what is best for our son, and he doesnt want me to have the stress of work while we are ttc.. I pray that you all will have a baby soon weather it is through the blessing of birth or the blessed gift of adoption...

good luck

wishing u lots of baby dust

Answer 14

Hi,

I am sorry you are having problems conceiving.  I don't think people are here to judge you.  It could still happen.  Even if God's plan does not mean children of your own, you can still include children in your life by getting involved with your relative's children, doing volunteer work with children in the community, or possibly looking into foster care for children who truly need homes.

One of the things you should be aware of if you really want to consider adopting one of them, is the lifelong effects of adoption on adoptees, regardless of the love and care that you can provide.  Some people proceed with adopting before they have resolved their own issues and they are not fully prepared for meeting the other needs that an adopted child is sure to have.  It is not the same as raising children that you have given birth to.  A successful adoption does not just mean that childless people were able to obtain somebody else's child and raise it as their own.  A lifetime of honesty & empathy are of upmost importance for a successful adoption.  You are not the only one hurting.  Please try to see that adoptees and natural mothers face many issues too.  Thank you,

julie j

reunited adoptee

fyi:  Most adoptees dislike being referred to as "gifts."

* * * EDIT TO ADD: Marsha R is amazing.  Read her analogy below.  Great answer, well said Marsha!

Answer 15

There is nothing wrong with adopting.

If you know there's nothing wrong with either one of you for getting pregnant; stop trying so hard.  That's when it happens; almost every time.  

I know a couple who tried for several years to have one more child; when they got disgusted with it and stopped trying; she got pregnant.  The new baby is about 6 weeks old now.

So many times people are trying to have their way about things and when they give up; things happen because they  relaxed and stopped thinking about it.  Things happen when they are supposed to.  In God's time.

Answer 16

Like others, I feel I too need to point out that you have no idea how it feels to have been adopted.  The repercussions of that experience endure for our entire lifespan - not just a couple of decades starting in our 20s.

I too have cried night after night - off and on for over five decades - and have prayed night after night that I might be released from suffering the effects, day in and day out, of the trauma caused by the destruction of the natal bond.  

Will you advise therapy for me?  I have had therapy off and on for over 15 years, with an attached cost of the most expensive adoption.  Who paid?  I did.  The love affair with adoption - both on the part of society AND therapists - has denied my loss.  Only a handful of qualified therapists across the country, indeed, across the planet acknowledge and are able to treat the effects of this loss.  It's the loss of a child's right to security and trust that can only come from the continuity of care from the bond formed in the womb - that is, from the child's natural mother.

The throngs of people in this country who believe that separation from mother is a non-event or are willing to let a child suffer for the supposedly more important needs of childless people (or a self-righteous desire to punish women for loving at the wrong time), these are willing victims of the adoption industry.

Yes, if any of us can help women find a way to keep their family intact and prevent the destruction of this sacred bond, you can be sure any one of us will speak out and try to help.  In case you haven't noticed, these are women who love and want to keep their babies.

How DARE you tell adults adopted as babes to go on and talk about something else!  We are trying to prevent what happened to us from happening to more human beings.  Shall I tell you, "If ya'll have a problem with infertility go on and talk about something else," how callous is THAT!?!

We are having a hard enough time trying to manage our daily lives because of adoption.  It's draining work.  There IS a need to discourage.  I am quite sure that God's plan for me was to grow where I was planted - not to destroy the mother/child dyad to fulfill  someone else's need.  

If I was not a "gift" at the age of 18 to a strange man in a prearranged marriage, then I am not now nor have I ever been a "gift."

And, yes, I would rather have been aborted than to have struggled to live the life I was forced to live.

Answer 17

Wanna_be_parent,

Most adoptees can relate to your feelings.  We grew up with women who went through the same awful experience that you are going through now.  We were told their stories often and felt the emotion first-hand.

The answers you are getting are considerate and direct.  Many adoptees have seen how emotions build up during the anxious waiting period, become overwhelming, and gradually shift into a sense of entitlement.  Such feelings could taint any family.

Like many wonderful adoptive parents, I hope you can avoid this problem too.  May your experiences, now, result in the creation of a close family.

P.S.:  a child is not a gift; he is an individual.

Answer 18

There is no reasoning with this gang of n***s. They've ruined the Adoption Forum. Just today, several of them made a false violation report on me & my Answer was deleted. Some of my contacts & I are emailing each other off this site to see what we can do. I joined just a few weeks ago and I am still in shock. I have appealed to customer care and begged them to see what is happening in this forum. Be very careful what you say in here. These abusers, stalkers & terrorists are truly crazy.Here are some links below just so you know you haven't lost your mind. In the meantime, be careful what you say & write. They will twist your words around, gang up on you, get their clique to give you tons of thumbs down, falsely report your Q&A's so you will get violation notices and do their best to hurt, frighten and intimidate you until you leave the forum.  Please hang in there, don't let them get under your skin, and write yahoo customer service and report this gang's abuse & terrorist tactics. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Mark B: would you please give links and sources where it says that abuse is higher in adoptive homes? I have heard this about the foster system but never in adoption statistics. We would appreciate knowing where you got this information. Thank you.

Answer 19

What if there was some popular new drug on the market, say it has the cure for the common cold, and everyone around you was talking about wanting to take it. But, one of the main side effects for the drug is that there is a great possibility it would make any children you have later in life be infertile or have miscarriages for any pregnancies that are conceived. Lets also say that the government and media are not telling people about this side effect, though you know for a fact because your mother took it back in its experimental days and it happened to you. Now lets say there are forums and discussion groups all over the web for people who are talking about taking, or wanting to take this drug. As someone who has struggled with infertility, felt the pain and grief and loss, cried yourself to sleep so many nights and felt the bleak hopelessness, would you not want to get on those forums and warn people not to take this drug? Wouldn't you be telling them please listen to me, I have lived this pain, don't do this to your children, please!? Could you stand by and watch woman after woman take the drug without saying anything because its none of your business? Because there is a chance their future children won't struggle with infertility so you should just let it go? Would you stop telling people because it made them angry? Because it hurt their feelings? I don't think people understand WHY we come here and say these things. Its not because we're bored and we want to p**s off the adoption board visitors. Its not because we're sick and twisted and think its fun to upset people. Its because we know whats in store for many of these adoptees and we want to let people know so they won't make the mistake our mothers made.

You ask if I understand...YES I do. I am an adoptive parent myself! Many of my friends are adoptive parents. I run a website for adoptive parents. I don't judge anyone, I just want to help people understand. I just want to make things better for others, not hurt people. Yes, I encourage women considering adoption to keep their babies. Thats not to hurt you or to try to keep you from having children, its to keep a baby with its mother and spare them the pain that my mother and I have had, that my friends and their mothers have had, that the other adoptees on this board and their mothers have had. There are children out there who NEED families, and I am certainly not saying you should not adopt one of them. I'm sure you would be a great family for a foster child or a true orphan. But I cannot look away as another mother and child are needlessly separated, and I will continue to do my very best to educate and inform adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents on ethics, attachment, grief, loss, racial issues, first parents, and anything else I can to make life easier for their children and their childrens families of orgin.

Answer 20

I cannot add much to what has already been said.  I am not an expert but I have adopted once.  It was the most difficult, frustrating, time consuming and rewarding thing that I have ever done in my life.  Keep at it, it is worth it.  I promise.

Answer 21

My answer to you is this, people will say what they want to you and everyone will have their own opinion. You can not change the one basic fact, that everyone is different. Everyone has had his/her own experiences in life and we can't discount what others have gone through. That being said, I do believe that you have every right to go on with your adoption efforts. If you really want to add to your family and you have what it takes to be a parent to provide love and care then you should go for it. No one can tell you what to do. I think that people just want you to understand what a big thing you are undertaking. They just want you to see both sides of the story. And in all honesty there are crazies (for lack of a better word) on both sides of the argument. Some people just go overboard with their beliefs.

I wish you much luck! Don't let anyone bring you down. You find a baby that needs a home and have your family, just remember you do not know what it feels like to be an adoptee...if you keep that in mind and are as open as possible and loving and answer all questions, you should have a positive adoption experience. Good luck to you:)

Answer 22

I was adopted and think adoption is a wonderful way to give both the child and a wonderful couple the opportunity to make a family together!

Answer 23

I am not judging parents who want to provide a homeless child a home.  I think that they are loving, kind, and generous people.  But, I am having a hard time understanding how helping expectant mothers find resources so they can keep the children who they love and want to parent is "ruining" adoption.  I am having a hard time understanding how adoptees who share their pain so they can help adoptive parents be better parents are "ruining" adoption.

I am a Christian but I just can't sign up for believing in a God that makes a woman pregnant for the purpose of blessing another family with the "gift" of a child.  My God is a loving God who looks upon all of us as his children.  My God would never inflict the pain upon one of his children of merely being a vessel to carry a child for another woman.  My God does not make those kind of plans - nope - I don't buy that.

Answer 24

Hi,

I have the same thing as you in that i can not have a child on my own but then again i also have the side that is formed from the fact that i am an adopted..

my adopting family was a total night-mare in that i was sexually abuse from the age of 6 months till about 14 years old by both parents plus age 5 or 6 years old they tyred killing me. so given those fact i think that it gives me the right to say i think i would have been better off being aborted in pregnancy!!

I also know that the official figures for child abuse in adoption is a lot higher this fact to my way of thinking makes it sound like it is not a bed of roses for most adopt-es and as such i think a lot of them have the right to thing that they would have been better of if the pregnancy was terminated also.

with all that being stated and taken into consideration I do not think that adoption should be scraped, as clearly that would be a bad thing for families such as yourself but i do feel that there is a need for much more to be done in the way of making shore that the kids that are placed into adoption should have there welfare check up on more then it is under current laws allow for.

also i think that the child should have the right under the laws to see and know who there birth parents are from what you are saying your willing to do this and that is truly wonderful.

when i was looking for my birth mother i went to a lot of adopted meetings where i heard others saying that they did not find out that they where adopted until there parents died and then it was left in there wills, what a horrible way to find out not only do you have to deal with the fact that they are dead but then that they lied to you all your life and then try to work out how is your family and so it goes on, so yes yet a norther reason for me to be saying NO ADOPTION, would you not agree there so fare?

while I also know how much off a god send to the adopting parents and that is wonderful but the children entering this system is my concern in this matter and i must say while i do feel for you I would rather be responsible for saying no and protecting a child then saying yes and letting you know the happiness of that and have the child abused, (while I am NOT trying to imply anything in that other then the numbers are saying that the chances are that they are going to meat higher risks of abuse but not trying or meaning to say that your intention is anything less then Honourable and no offence was meant in this)

my hole thing with my stand on adoption is that it is a major issue and there does need to be major reforms in place before i think it will be safe to be putting more children into that system

I wish you the best of luck with your endeavors to find a child

Answer 25

Anybody else notice its prospective adoptive parents who are often the ones telling the "ungrateful" adoptees to shush up. Because remember " we don't know how it FEELS to be infertile, we've never been there"

But you're missing something here...i DO know how it feels to be adopted. And adoption doesn't CURE infertility. These children in limbo with the system, life, families, friends, aren't here to "bandage" your infertility either.

Adoptees do not come with a "guarantee" that makes you forget about your dreams of having your "own" children. We do not fit the molds of those dreams, or those children and we will never, ever be them.

Our "molds" come from different clay. We can appreciate the clay we have grown with, but nothing changes the ingredients in us, different from the ingredients in yours.

I urge you to get therapy from an experienced adoptee therapist who specializes in adoption related issues of concern because red flags shoot up all OVER this post / question of yours.

Why would somone justify their "right" to adoption because they can't have kids. Like that is a qualification?!?! Its not about YOU or your infertility, its about these children!! THE CHILDREN. THE CHILDREN. lets say it again, THE CHILDREN. everybody shout it out..THE CHILDREN. ITS ABOUT THE CHILDREN.

infertility can't be easy. My heart aches for someone not being able to have children of their own. But jumping into the responsibility of someone else's child, who already has a begining with needs of their own that may be in greater demand than a biological child of that age specifically because they have indured massive trauma by losing their mother and in many cases much more as well, this isn't the best idea when you're going through a "trauma" ( infertility ) of your own.

The two do NOT go hand in hand.

Answer 26

Adoption is not a selfless act.  People adopt b/c they want a child.  So they are being selfish.  Maybe not in a bad way, but they are still filling a need/want.

That being said....I am an adoptee.  While I do not think that all adoption is wrong, I just want you to consider a few things.   Maybe people do not understand what you are going through being infertile b/c all people have not been there.  And you are looking for understanding.

Now imagine growing up without ever knowing where you are from, who you look like, possibly losing your name, language and culture.  Just as people can't understand what you are going through, you may not always understand what an adopted child is going through.

These are some of the things that I am afraid that some adoptive parents don't think about.  If you adopt, please consider all these things in the process.

Adoption is loss.  Not only for the child and the birth mother, but for the adoptive parents.

Answer 27

You are horribly missing the point.  We are here to educate you on adoption.  Adoption is filled with corruption, greed, lies, coercion, and civil rights violations.  Adoption is not win/win/win.  Adoptees are always on the loosing end.  They have their basic civil rights violated.  They have their privacy rights taken from them because of the status of their birth.  The state governments(minus six of them) and the adoption agencies take away our right to the very documents that accurately record our birth.  The right to privacy is based on the right to be free from governmental interference.  

When we as a society ignore the rights of parents to raise their childen,  we hurt all of us.  Look up Shawn McDonald, Ibaanika, Allison Quets, Stephanie Bennett, Cody O'Dea, Brynden Ayre, Joseph Simmerson, and many many others.  We are not entitled to other people's children.  If you are going to adopt, make it ethical and honest.  Think about the future of your child.  

Since there is no regulation of adoption in this country, we are also hurting adoptive parents as well as future adoptive parents.  The industry charges outrageous amounts of money so that people have a family to raise.  Adoptive parents are being scammed.  Read the news.  Its all out there.  No one wants to hear the negative of adoption.  

If you are going to adopt, you need to hear the effects of it on your child.  You need to hear the effects on your child's natural parents.  You also need to be aware of people scammed.  This is us living adoption.  

I understand the pain of infertility but adoption has its loss as well.  We ask you to acknowledge it.  We ask you to make changes.  We ask you to educated yourselves on adoption, both bad and good.

Answer 28

I was adopted when I was about 6 months old, and for me it was the best thing that ever happend to me. I did meet my birth parents a couple of times and it was kinnda weird for me. They were strange people i thought, they have children now and they too are weird i am soooo glad i was not brought up in that family. My family is wonderful i never felt like an outcast atall, if anything they made me feel special as a child. I have 3 bros and 1 sister who are all at least 15 yrs older then i am, my dad died when i was 9 and my bros and sister were all moved out so it was just me and my mom.. i was a nasty teenager...as most of us are, and she was an older lady.. and she never gave up on me. since it was just me and her in the house all those years i feel me and her are the closeist. I love and respect her sooo much. I also feel that god made it happend for a reason,(my adoption) b/c where my dad died i was only 9 and my mom had to say strong for me..so in a way i helped her through it. I know this does not really answer yer question but, i wanted to share my story. I think adoption is wonderful. To all those people that disagree..  Adoption is better then abortion at least the child get to LIVE and also it can help the parents who adopted, b/c mabey ( like you case) they cant have kids.DO IT ADOPTED A BABY! you can change their lives and yours

Answer 29

I suffered through 15 years of infertility, including multiple miscarriages, before I finally faced facts and realized that it just wasn't meant to be. It took a few years to really come to a place of peace in myself, but what a difference that has made in my life. Among other things, I now don't automatically do ANYTHING just because that's what most people do. I've learned to figure out for myself what is right for me...to not worry about keeping up with the Joneses.

One of the many useful things I have learned from this Y!A section by following the suggested links is that the number of adoptions in the US is around 144,000 per year, whereas other countries have 400 or less per year, most of which are extended or step-family adoptions. That made me realize how much of a racket it is in this country. Someone is making money by convincing people they NEED a product.

Yes, being a parent is incredible. But I wouldn't have the kids I do now, and they wouldn't be as well supported in their needs, if I hadn't first stopped being brainwashed and really sat down to think about what is right, versus what do I think I want. My kids would have suffered if I hadn't done that soul-searching.

More information is always better. Why wouldn't you want to know as much as possible, to make the most informed decisions possible?

Answer 30

you are right. however, as painful as infertility is, relinquishing a child is equally as difficult.  so i must respectfully disagree that adoption is a gift, by all means.

also, despite your view on abortion, i do not think it's appropriate for another person to make a reproductive choice based on another's inability to conceive.

as a potential bmom, i thought it was unfair when i was told how my decision to parent my son "crushed" the hopes and dreams of a loving couple who had faced infertility.  yet, nobody really cared that i was forced into adoption by parents who were afraid i wouldn't go to college or live a life of poverty. only that an infertile couple needed a child and i'd ruined it.

or i think it's unfair to judge the woman who choses abortion ; and made to feel guilty because she didn't "simply stay pregnant" so that another family can parent.

although i totally agree with you--that nobody can understand your struggle with infertility without experiencing it; i also believe that very few understand the perspective of the bmother who changes her mind, regrets her decision or lives in silent suffering; or the woman who makes a personal choice to terminate.

basically, i'm for mutual respect all around.

my best wishes towards your adoption journey.

Answer 31

I feel your pain!  My husband and I have been ttc for over 7 years now and it is truly heartbreaking every time it doesn't work once again.  We just adopted a beautiful baby girl 4 months ago -- we got her when she was 2 days old when she was released from the hospital.  

It has been the most bittersweet experience of my life!!!  Being a mother and FINALLY having a long-awaited child is the most beautiful blessing and I truly  felt God's hand in our adoption situation.  At the same time, it breaks my heart to know what a difficult reality it is for the young birth mother who relinquished her rights and placed her child in our arms.  We keep in touch with her very regularly and feel so concerned about how She is doing and how much it hurts!  I often feel guilty for being so happy with our daughter when I know she is struggling through the emotions of letting her go.  I do what I can to try and help her, but really there's not a lot that I can do most of the time.

Did we search this birth mother out, coerce her into adoption and unethically take her baby away?  Not by any means.  She was the one who decided to place the baby for adoption before we even knew she existed.  She found US through our agency's website where our profile was posted, contacted us with questions and then informed us that she had chosen US.  We did not seek her out or ask her to give up her child or beg her to choose us.  As for our agency, we paid next to nothing in fees for our adoption since it is subsidized by our church.  

Before we decided to adopt, I talked to many of the people I know who are adoptees about their feelings and their experiences (including my own aunt).  None of them had the issues that these people who are on this board discouraging adoption do.  Yet, it is very important to aknowledge that some people DO have these feelings, and they are entitled to them.

I encourage you to weigh EVERYTHING out before you decide to adopt, not just the heartache you feel from infertility.  There are many difficult emotions involved in adoption as well and you need to be ready to face them.  It is definitely an emotional roller-coaster that will last a lifetime for you, the birth mother and your child.  

I think that what you are feeling is normal and natural for someone experiencing infertility and wanting the blessing of a child so badly.  I do think that God loves each of us and wants the best for us and that adoption can be a wonderful thing, but he also gives each of us the freedom to make our choices and live with the consequences of those decisions, good and bad.  To the person above who said that God wouldn't want a birth mother to place her child for adoption because he wouldn't want her to hurt so much, then why would God also allow women who want children so badly be infertile???  The pain is equal, but opposite.  

Make sure you are really ready for everything that adoption entails before you decide that it's right for you.  It is not a decision to be made without a lot of thought, just as placing a baby for adoption shouldn't be made wihtout just as much thought.  

Adoption has blessed my life and I will be forever grateful to the birth mother who placed her child in our family and made us parents.  I don't want to discourage you, I just want you to realize that there is so much involved and it's not just an "Easy Answer" to infertility.  It's right for some people (both adoptive parents and birth mothers) and not for others.