here is a joke: 50 Pure Dead GiveaAways that you are Scottish! sorry its long I apologise but it is worth it!
'Scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine and a northerly wind' is good weather.
The only sausage you like is square.
You have been forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at high school.
You know a wide vocabulary of random Scottish words -
an idiot*is a numpty.
Aye * yes.
Aye right * not likely.
Auldjin * someone over 40.
Baltic * freezing.
You have an irrational need to eat anything fried with your supper from
the chippy * haggis, pizza, white pudding, sausage, fish, chicken.
You used to love destroying your teeth when you were young: Buchanan's toffees, Wham bars, tablet, Irn-Bru bars, Cola cubes, etc.
You have an enormous feeling of dread whenever Scotland play a diddy
team.
You happily engage in a conversation about the weather.
Even if you normally hate The Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia, Deacon
Blue, Big Country, etc. you still love it when you're in a club abroad
and they play something Scottish (you'll probably even ask the DJ to
play it).
You take a perverse pride in the fact Scotland has the highest number of alcohol and smoking-related deaths in Europe. At least we know how to party.
You used to watch Glen Michael's Cartoon Cavalcade on a Sunday afternoon with his sidekick oil lamp called Paladin.
You got Oor Wullie or The Broons annuals at Christmas.
You have come in from the pub pissed with flatmates and watched Weir's Way, engrossed by a little guy with a bobbly hat walking around
Scotland.
You can tell where another Scot is from by their accent. E.G.
Glaswegian: 'Awright pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Sun,
cheers, magic pal'. Invernesian: 'Ah-ee, Right Enufff! How's you
keeeeeepeeeen?'
You see cops and hear someone shout 'Errrapolis'.
You have participated in or witnessed people having a 'square go'.
You know that when someone asks you which school you went to, they want to know if you're a Protestant or a Catholic.
You have eaten lots and lots of random Scottish food like mince &
tatties, haggis, cullen skink, stovies, Tunnock's Teacakes/Snowballs,
Scott's Porage Oats, Macaroon bars, Baxters soup, Scotch pies, Scotch eggs, oatcakes, shortbread and Arbroath smokies.
A Jakey has asked you for money: 'Got any spare change hen?'
You think nothing of waiting expectantly for your 1p change from the
shopkeeper.
You know the right response to 'yoo dancin' is 'yoo askin', followed by
'am askin' and finally 'then am dancing!!'
You know that whenever you see sawdust it reminds you of pools of vomit because that's what the 'jannies' used to chuck it on it.
You lose all respect for a groom who doesn't wear a kilt.
You don't do shopping, you do the 'messages'.
You're sitting on the train/bus and a drunk man sits besides you,
telling you a 'joke'*and saying 'I'm no annoying ye am a hen/pal?' You:
'Not at all, yer fine. Ah think this is ma stop!'
A Scottish male can have a phone conversation using only 'awright',
'aye' and 'naw'.
You have experienced peer pressure to have an alcoholic drink after
you've ordered something non-alcoholic. 'Mon, have a drink, whit's
wrang, ye driving? Naw. You no well? Naw. Get yersel a drink.'
You know ye cannae fling pieces oot a 20-storey plat, seven hundred
hungry weans'll testify to that. If it's butter, cheese or jeely, if the
breid is plain or pan, the odds against it reaching earth are 99 tae
wan..
You know that going to a party at a friend's house means bring your own drinks.
Your holiday abroad is ruined if you hear there is a heatwave in
Scotland while you're away.
Your national team goes 2-0 up against the Czechs in a qualifier in
Prague, and your mate says, 'We'll end up losing 3-2 here!' and you
think, 'Probably'.
You can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie and
Auchtermuchty.
You like deep fried battered pizza from the chippie.
You're used to four seasons in one day.
You can't pass a chip/kebab shop without drooling when you're drunk.
You can fall about drunk without spilling your drink.
You see people wearing shellsuits with Burberry accessories * and think
that's pure class!
You measure distance in minutes.
You can understand Rab C. Nesbitt and know characters just like him in your own family.
You go to Saltcoats because you think it is like going to the ocean.
You can make a whole sentence just with swear words.
You know what haggis is made with * and still eat it.
Somebody you know used a football schedule to plan their wedding day date.
You've been at a wedding and football scores are announced in the
church/chapel.
You aren't surprised to find curries, pizzas, kebabs, Irn Bru, f**s and
nappies in one shop.
Your seaside holiday home has Calor gas under it.
You know Irn-Bru is a hangover cure.
You learned to swear before y
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