How come SOME couples looking to adopt feel the need to pressure teen parents into adopting their child?

Question

I know this is NOT always the cause, but during my pregnancy it has happen more frequently than I'd like. I am 17, and expecting my Daughter in less than a week. I have had a couple who has heard about my pregnancy through the grape vine asking me to adopt my baby to them, when they know VERY CLEAR I am definently keeping my baby.

I understand they can't have a baby, and I honestly do feel for them. But I feel like they think of me as a infant vending machine, for simply being in a vulnerable position of having a baby so young.

I'd like to know why some couples feel the need to do something like this?

Answer 1

I think some people get very desparate for a child and don't realize how aggressive they are acting.  Frankly, if they don't get the hint after you've been very clear with them, I'd tell them to back off.  People that desparate sometimes do crazy things.  For whatever reason, most people, women in particular, think that they would make a better mother than just about anyone else.  Then when they finally get into that position they figure out that parenting is a journey with many twists and curves in the road and each person reacts to those twists and curves differently.  Folks willing to pressure someone into giving them your child doesn't appear to be people that handle lifes twists and turns very well to begin with.  So, bottom line, the answer to your question, in my opinion is "desparation".  Explain to them how it makes you feel when they pressure you after you've been clear with them that it isn't going to happen.  They'll probably realize they've gone overboard and will back off.  Good luck.

Answer 2

....because they are mentally ill.

Answer 3

My mom was pregnant with me when she was 15.

She got numerous people begging for her to let them adopt me.

She even had someone wanting to deliver me at home so they could illegally buy me.

I mean, I feel for people who can't have children, but if the person wants to keep the baby go to an agency where a child that isn't wanted by their parents can get parents and have a brighter future.

Hope that helps, xx.

Answer 4

My pregnant friend (she's 20) had a lady offer to buy her a car if she would let her adopt her baby.  My friend is planning on keeping her baby.  She was so mad, like she would trade her baby for a car! Pathetic......

Answer 5

They are idiots and need to understand that just because they want a baby, doesn't mean they are going to get one.  If I were you (and you feel up to it) I would let them know how inconsiderate, rude and inappropriate asking you to allow them to adopt your child is/was.  I only say this because than maybe they will not ask anyone else.  Let them know that they need to go through the proper channels for adoption, not soliciting girls just because they feel they would make better parents.  Also tell them that just because they may be more financially secure than you are, they are in no way a replacement for biology, and that they need to understand that.  In order for them to adopt a child, that child (and that child's entire first family) will be losing a whole family.  

I personally would make sure they knew how appalling and wrong they were for asking you to give them your baby.

Answer 6

Disgusting.

But sadly, not surprising.

And people wonder why some others speak out against infant adoption...no, there's no coercion, is there? Noooooooooooooo that doesn't happen!!

Pfffft.  

But thanks for posting this, perhaps now some people will beging to understand where "coercion" starts.  Preying on pregnant teenagers is about the most predatory, sick, coercive thing anyone can do.

And it DOES happen.

Answer 7

They feel entitled to your child. After all you are young and you can have plenty more if you want, you will get over it, they can provide a more stable home and they have waited soooo long for a baby and it just isn't fair that you get one so you should give me yours!

What it really boils down to is they think they are better than you and more deserving of your child than you are. Revolting isn't it?

Answer 8

Clearly they don't understand boundaries and have no tact whatsoever. Some adults have major issues with teens raising children so they think that since they are older and "more suited" to care for a child that they are within their rights to convince you to give them your child. Although I don't think it's the best idea to have a child in your teens (mostly because I have a son of my own and know for a fact that I could not have handled him back then) it's still not acceptable for someone to make that decision for you.

In the future I would suggest saying something like "If I told you I was planning on giving the baby up, you could ask me that; but since I have not said anything of the sort, it's not acceptable for you to ask me that".

What's ironic is that nobody would want their child to be raised by people who have no concept of boundaries but they are diluted enough to think acting in this manner will get them a child.

Answer 9

Its partly desperation I guess, they want a child so badly, the fertility treatment has failed and they can't stand having to wait to be approved to adopt officially.  They've always been able to buy what they want in the past and are frustrated that they can't do it with this.

Maybe theres also an arrogance that they assume they will make a better parent than you ever could because they have money and are older - as if that makes a difference!  They assume this means they are better than you.

I'd tell the police about them, quite frankly.  Thats out of order.

Answer 10

I too was 17 when I was expecting my first son.  Even after my husband and I married, couples would come up to us and practically beg us to give them our child.  I don't know what prompts people to do this, even after giving birth they pretty much expected me to hear a sob story (yes it is sad they can't have children but still...) and hand over the carrier with him strapped in and that be it.  I think they do it because they are beyond desperate but they need to learn that even if you are young, you can't just walk up to someone and demand (even if it is done "nicely") your baby.

Best wishes on the arrival of your daughter :)

Answer 11

Have you tried asking THEM why?  They sound like socially inept people who are so caught up in what they want, that they don't realize how frustrating and hurtful this could be for you.  

It happens, sorry that it was to you.

Answer 12

Until I came here and started seeing this kind of story over and over I thought it never happened in real life. I thought it was only in movies on Lifetime.

There is no way I could answer your question. I can't imagine asking a woman to give me her child. That's why we wouldn't adopt a baby. Even with foster care, I'd read that they were more likely to terminate parental rights if an infant is involved - they're so adoptable.  

Adoption should be for children in need of homes. What kind of psychopaths go around asking strangers on the street for their children?  Back when I smoked, I didn't even bum cigarettes from strangers, much less babies.

Answer 13

Some people are just jerks. I can't imagine trying to solicit a baby just because you know a young woman is pregnant. We adopted and this is something we definitely would not have done.

they must  feel you are too young to raise a child - but that is really not their decision to make.

Answer 14

and they probably expect to be in the delivery room, be the first to hold your child and the woman might be taking drugs to make breast milk so she can pretend to nurse as a mother who gave birth...

it is simply sick entitlement!  some people (not the majority--thank heavens) who can't have children feel as if they are 'better' able to care for a kid then a teen mother. sadly, most who are this socially inept, have their behavior reinforced by infertility blogs and other infertile women, are secretely envious of pregnancy women and have no sense of tact when it come to meeting THEIR baby-needs.  

wonder why babies are tagged like gucci bags after birth? to prevent entitled kookalooks like these from "pretending to be medical staff" and swiping them from the hospital.

also, society fuels the belief that young women are bad mothers and should simply give up their kids.

hey.. i have an idea. ask her if you can move in her house and  f#ck her husband!  just tell her how 'desperately' you want to be married and experience what she has... /sarcasm

kudos on telling them to shove it!  and you're right...you are NOT an infant vending machine, nor responsible for birthing children for infertile couples.

good luck with your new baby...

ETA: sunny...no.  you are LYING!!!! placing 800# in the pocket of maternity clothes?  shameless, indeed.

Answer 15

Dear Helllooo,

While this phenomenon is something that I doubt I will ever be able to wrap my mind around, I believe it stems from a profound desperation. Sometimes human beings, in our flawed perfection can become so overwhelmed by our own personal desires that we fail to see the forest through the trees. We become so wrapped up in our own wants and needs that we forget ourselves and sometimes cross the lines of moral and social etiquette. I think that while these behaviors are grotesque and unacceptable, they are borne of a great pain and suffering.

While this does not excuse the behavior it does illicit a sense of pity from me. I find it sad that people are driven to the point of unconscionable behavior by a very natural desire to parent that has been unfulfilled. I sometimes question the value we place on parenthood as a measure of a successful life. Simply producing offspring is not a great achievement in and of itself. In our society, children are often treated as a stepping stone to one's ultimate value in the eyes of others. IMO, this is not only wrong but UNHEALTHY and results in the behavior you have been subjected to.

To me, sucess is measured by your actions as a person rather than your ability to make a child, who you marry, the job you have, the car you drive or the amount of money in your bank account. It is evidenced by your compassion, your empathy, your HUMANITY. Of course children are a wonderful way to demonstrate these things; but they are not NECESSARY in order to show yourself to be a sucessfull and valuable person. Somewhere along the line some people have missed this and it causes them to suffer and therefore attempt to remedy what they see as failure by any means.

Just as with people who are miserable in a marriage and commit adultry in an attempt to validate themselves, I think that people who try to pressure someone out of a child have missed what is really important and should do some self-examination to find the part of THEMSELVES that is missing. NO PERSON can FIX another person's broken psyche simply by their presence. (Band-aid? Maybe. Cure? NEVER.)

****OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS NOT TRUE IN ALL CASES!!****

(Sorry, I always feel a disclaimer is necessary.)

Answer 16

I remember reading a 'tip' on-line that an infertile woman gave another.

She advised this woman to place pre-printed business cards (saying she was looking to adopt, and listed her 800 #) in the pockets of maternity clothes in 'cheap' stores like Wal-Mart.

They are shameless VULTURES.

Good luck to you!

Answer 17

Who knows what makes those nut cases tick, some therapists can't even understand it. Call the police. Maybe a lecture in morality might help them.

Answer 18

Because they have no boundaries.  They think their desperation and "need" override the normal societal niceties that govern us all.  And they are hoping that because you are young you won't call them on it, or that somehow, with you it doesn't count.  It is wrong of them absolutely.  Unfortunately, they will probably never see how horribly they've behaved.