How common is it really for women to hold back s*x as a form of punishment from the men they are with?

Question

Constantly I hear references to this on television, in movies, on the radio etc, but I've never personally done this and was just curious if this really is common enough to garner so many references or if it's a social myth?

Related: Is it possible that "holding back s*x for punishment" is a misinterpretation of reason, if there be any? Meaning after an argument if a woman just isn't in the mood, or is stressed out, etc, and doesn't feel like having s*x, do men assume it's for punishment when it might not be?

Answer 1

If she doesn't want me, I'll just find somebody that does.   My ex-wife tried that once.  I reminded her that she could be replaced.  She didn't believe me, until I replaced her.  

My current wife knows that story.

Answer 2

I joke about it with the hubby....then 10, 15 mins later I'm like come on lets go!  I always cave way way way before it affects him.  So it would really never work for me.

Answer 3

I would hope uncommon. Using making love as a reward or punuishment just makes you both prositutes.

Answer 4

I think it more to do with the fact that the guy did something to really p**s off the g/f who is not in the mood for s*x cos she is mad at him not cos she is trying to punish him

Answer 5

I don't agree with the whole withholding s*x as punishment thing. It's hard to feel s**y though, if you're really angry. I need my space to cool off. It might be a little bit social myth, a little bit reality.

Answer 6

I agree its not something we purposely intend on doing.

Its just that its such a turn off when your partner upsets you.

Or if they do something really wrong.

Answer 7

Very. But it's more that they're not in the mood because they're mad rather than "punishing you".

Answer 8

I don't know what punishment has to do with anything. If I'm mad at him, why would I want him touching me?

Edit:

"So husband, we just had a bad argument and I am really freaking pissed at you. But I understand you think I'm just being stupid and you want to have s*x now and if I refuse, I must be trying to punish you. How selfish of me. Please, completely disregard my feelings and my opinions and use my body for your pleasure."

I guess there may be some women who use s*x as a tool to get what they want, but in general, this whole line of thinking just pisses me off.

Answer 9

i dont think we really do it as punishment, i think we do it because we just are mad and dont want to get intimate because...well...were plssed off at our partner!  

Answer 10

There are  feministas on this forum who are married to sub boys.  They could tell you all about this typically femdom practice.

Take 2. Sandy, you androgynous little cutie, are you trying to get a man's attention tonight with that purple prose style of yours?  My dear, it's oh so devastating!

Answer 11

My psychology professor calls it "Bargaining s*x," sadly.

It is what it sounds like and it is VERY common.

This can be applied to every form of affection (hugs, kisses, cuddles, etc.), not just s*x and believe me, EVERY woman has done it at least once.

Lines associated with bargaining s*x is:

"Don't touch me"

"I'm mad. Don't come near me right now"

"I'm on my period" (by this, I am talking about the common excuse to get people to not touch you lol)

and finally

"No s*x for a week"

This is normally to train the man to "Fall in line." which basically means

Give the woman her way :)

Answer 12

Your edit is basically correct and it can be vice versa with men not in the mood too.

Answer 13

It is true that if you are unhappy in a relationship, if the relationship isn't satisfying - the last thing you want to do is to be intimate with the cause of your misery. Many men are quite clueless and are confusing the message "I am not happy with your behavior, you have hurt me and I am not interested in being intimate with with you" WITH "holding back s*x for punishment".  Its part of the overall general persecution complex from which these guys suffer because they think they are the center of the universe:

Q:  How many men does it take to s***w in a light bulb?

A:  One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Answer 14

I've never done it - agree with the posters that it could be misinterpreted when the woman is just not in the mood and also with Zelda > s*x isn't a reward or something I 'give' my partner - it's something we do together. Sometimes he isn't in the mood either and I respect that. The way Carlos and Shell write gives me the impression that they believe s*x is a husband's right, whenever he wants, but actually marital rape is now illegal in most Western countries. (Is a 'sub-boy' a man that doesn't rape his partner when she doesn't want s*x?) Anyway I'm not a prostitute and if I don't want s*x, I'm not going to have it. End of.

Answer 15

No... if you're annoyed with the guy you're just not going to have s*x with him... maybie not for a few days. This is a mixture of punishment and not in the mood. Think about it- if you're really annoyed with him, you're hardly going to sleep with him. You also don't want him to enjoy himself if your p*ssed with him aswell. So its a mix of both.

Answer 16

I agree that it is probably not done out of a desire to "punish," but that that may be the perception, especially if the couple just had an argument. She's probably thinking "How can you even want to make love after we just went at it like that?" and he's thinking "If you don't want to have make-up s*x, you must still be mad, or trying to get back at me. ."

Personally, even if the argument is over, and we've made up, I am not interested in s*x right afterward. The negative thoughts and feelings are still there (biologically, a woman's body "comes down" from a stressful situation much slower than a man's), and I'm just not interested in s*x while still feeling those kinds of feelings.

And maybe that speaks to the heart of the matter. Men are "over it" much quicker, and ready to move on. Women are still enmeshed in those negative feelings. Physically, she is still in that stress mode...stomach churning, mind racing...not very s**y. Maybe this is what truly lies behind that old stereotype of "withholding."

Answer 17

I dont hold back s*x, I just lay there like a dead fish... Drives him nuts... LOL!

Answer 18

I have heard from several women that they do with hold s*x as a method of gaining control in a relationship.  I have also heard that men use money as a means of controlling the women in their lives.

   I have found that it works better when neither party has "control".  If it's not an equal partnership, then it not the right relationship, and you both need to get on with your searches.

Answer 19

Too d**n common!

Answer 20

Men tend to have higher libido (sexual drive) than women do, so I think its as you said, simply a miscommunication.  I mean, I can't speak for anyone else, but when I want it, it doesn't matter if I'm angry or not.

So, according to me its a social myth.

Answer 21

I have been married for 24 years.  I have said "NO" 3 times.  I find it much more common that my husband withholds affection.

Even if I am not in the mood it is relatively quick and I usually end up enjoying it in the end.

I think men are trying to seem like s*x hounds to their friends.  My understanding is that men leave their wives and turn to p**n.

Answer 22

I've never done this in my life.  In fact, I don't think I could do it if I tried!!  I never say no to my man when it comes to s*x :)  I also don't know anyone who does this.  I think you have a point about misinterpretation though.  If a woman is pissed off, I don't think she would be much in the mood for s*x. And if she doesn't want s*x (because she's mad or hurt), the man might think she's "with holding" to get back at him where as really she's just upset and there as not in the mood.  

Unfortunately, however, the media seems to want to continue to stress this misinterpretation and so many may even believe it where as I don't think its all that common-- at least not in my experience and not with anyone I know.

Answer 23

s*x isn't a favour that I dispense if he's been a good boy, like giving a little kid dessert if he ate all his peas.  It's something we do if we're both in the mood.  But if I were angry and stewing about something, odds are I wouldn't be feeling especially s**y.

Answer 24

I don't know, but I find is childish and manipulative.

Answer 25

never to very rarely

Answer 26

I definitely think it's a misinterpretation most of the time. I've never known a woman who has done this, nor have I done it myself. I don't trust everything I see or hear on TV, radio and movies. Let's keep in mind most writers are men, so it's the views of men being portrayed here.

In fact, what I think is going on is that since many women associate s*x and intimacy with a feeling of opening up and being vulnerable to your partner, it is quite natural to not want to do this when they've hurt your feelings.

In my case, I would feel that withholding s*x for any reason would be punishing myself as much as my partner. Men seem to think it's a deliberate punishment because they feel punished, and they evidently also seem to think that women do not enjoy s*x.

Also, it's entirely possible that the women is not interested in s*x at that particular moment for a reason completely unrelated to her partner. Many things can affect our s*x drive and this can happen to men too.

For instance, my partner has been very stressed lately because he's worried about his sister who has cancer. As a result, he has been less interested in s*x. Should I assume I am being punished? Of course not. In these moments, it is appropriate to be supportive to your partner and not shun them.

If a woman uses her right to turn down s*x (which is a much less pejorative term than holding back s*x!), the man should find out why instead of assuming he's being punished. If the woman is upset or hurt, he should understand that it is perfectly reasonable to feel uncomfortable with intimacy when you've been hurt. The best thing is to resolve it before having s*x so that both partners feel comfortable in their intimacy.