How could I fix this?

Question

I feel like something is wrong with the beginning to my story. Can someone help me fix it?

Can you keep a secret? If not, you may as well put this book down, because the story I’m about to tell you is for your eyes only. My name is Artemis James Dailey, and I am witch. Unless you are one of a select few, you believe we are only fairytales, characters to amuse children. However, we are real, and we are what keep you all from destroying the human race. Magical children are home schooled from the age of three, and when they turn thirteen; they are invited to the most famous of all magical landmarks: Maddock’s School for Magical Creatures. Every pure magical being, from angels to werewolves, are sent to this school. Of course, where there is good, there will always be evil, which is why Detun’s School of Evil exists. Detun’s School of Evil (known to most as just Detun’s) houses every evil creature from acephali’s to werewolves (they can be beings of light or dark) and they too send out invitations to their school the year each magical child turns thirteen. Now that I’ve revealed this much, I might as well tell you the whole story. It all began on one fateful day…

Thank you!

-Livvy

Answer 1

im starring u

cuz i said i would

in my question

even tho u trashed the twilight books,

anyway, back to ur question!

I TOTALLY LOVE IT!

IT GOT ME HOOKED IN THE FIRST FEW SENTENCES

u could totally make a career of writing!

i loved it

Answer 2

I thought it was a little cliche.

Go through it with a magic marker and highlight all phrases that you think are over-used in fiction, e.g., "it all began one fateful day," and swap them for something less uncommon. It will make the story more sophisticated.

Happy scribbles!

Answer 3

I got REALLY confused when you said that witches keep ourselves from destroying the human race. That just didn't make sense to me. And it really never explained it. It was just a bit confusing, but a great plot!

Keep on writing!

Answer 4

I liked the begining about 'Can you keep a secret?' But the rest about the schools and the ages was to OTT! I mean, lets get to now the character first before you explain all the school stuff! But it's looking good!

Answer 5

It sounds like a very interesting story and if it was really a book I would keep reading. It was a little confusing when you talked about witches and humans destroying the human race. At first when you talked about the good and evil schools I was going to suggest that it just be one school and that some creatures are good and some evil but I liked it when you said that they both send out invitations to their school and try to get the kids to choose good or evil and what they will be.--kinda like a competition between the schools. I think this would make a good preface. But I don't think you should talk to the reader during the book. Have them just observe the story. If there's something they should know have them figure it out through events that happen in the book, thoughts of the main character, or conversations that the main character has throughout the book. But try not to really address them. It's okay to give them information though. I'm kinda contradicting myself here. I hope you get what I'm trying to say. It's an interesting way to start the story. Please post more!