How could he do this to me after 12 years together??

Question

My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We got married on the 5th anniversary of our first date. We were fabulous together in the beginning but the passion has died. Three years ago I told him that I needed more from him sexually. I was very honest and open about how I felt.

I began trying different things with him to try and spark our passion again - he really didn't respond all that well. He would go along but not really participate. I've been trying to be more creative and fun in bed. He hasn't really made that much of an effort.

Then we started a new business - which my parents funded totally. I found out that he's been s******g us financially ever since. He opened several credit cards and maxed them out before I knew anything about them - he hasn't been making any payments to them or my parents either. Every time I tried to get more involved with the business, he always put me off. I've been paying for the house, my car, my one credit card, my car insurance, etc. for quite a while now. He let his business vehicles get repossessed, and didn't tell me about it until the morning they were taken away. If I would have known, I might have been able to help him keep at least one.

I asked him to move out in May of this year to give us some time apart. Because he hasn't been telling me the truth about the finances and because he hasn't been making an effort in the bedroom. He moved out on July 5th. He has continued to tell me that he is still in love with me and doesn't want to get a divorce. He says that he is going to a councelor to figure out why he handles things so poorly. His bank statement came to the house and I found out he's been going out to dinner with someone and going to the movies and hitting the bars. I asked him about it and he lied.

My mother passed away yesterday after being in the ICU for 3 weeks. I called him to tell him the news and got voicemail. I left a message. He called me back and left a message saying to call him and he would come over if I wanted him to. I called twice last night and got no answer. He hasn't tried to contact me or my family at all today. I don't know if he will show up at the funeral or not.

He hasn't even been out of the house for two months and he is totally ignoring me. If this had happened to his family I would have dropped everything to be by his side. Now I don't feel like we will ever be able to reconcile.

Am I crazy to think that his behavior is awful? Never in a million years would I have believed that he could or would treat me this way.

Answer 1

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Answer 2

Wow!  And i thought that I heard it all.  Do yourself a favor and file the paperwork now!!!  He is letting you dangle and using you for all he can get.  He has abused your trust and that of your family as well.  He is toxic and not to be trusted!

The sooner you separate from him the sooner you will regain your life.  And make sure that he and he alone is responsible for the money he spent.

Have fun!  Mistress Dolly

Answer 3

I am so sorry about all that you are going through, you have such a cross to bear right now and he shouldn't let you go through all of this alone.  You need to look at your situation and imagine everything you told us is someone else.  Would you tell another woman to leave him?  Please don't tell me that you are blaming yourself, we all know that you aren't totally innocent, noone is, but there is nothing you could do to make this stuff okay.  Take care of yourself, if he shows up use his shoulder to cry on, but kick his cheating lying a$$ to the curb

Answer 4

Move on girl.  Yep, it's hard.  Life if hard.  Hasn't it been hard this last several years.  I am sorry about your mom.  Take your lumps and get a lawyer.  Maybe you can salvage some of the finances with a good lawyer.  You hung on to long after you found out the mess your husband was getting you in to.  

My husband did the same thing with credit cards.  I didn't know about them and he got us in to about $20,000 in debt.

I immediately went to a lawyer and got divorce papers.  I took them home and put them on the coffee table and told him that I will not remain married to him if he will not cut up all of his credit cards and behave financially responsible.  I told him I was going to run a credit report on him at random and if there is any activity that we did not agree on together then I would file the divorce papers immediately.  

I told him we could remain together and we wouldn't even have to tell anyone we were divorced, but I would not stay married to him.  He was not going to s***w up my financial future.

Answer 5

He has got a gambling addiction and everything else that goes with that addiction..

Answer 6

wow sad sad...... you need to just divorce him cuz he is lying and probaly cheating you can't trust this guy

Answer 7

This is bad behavior on his part and you should consider leaving him.  Especially if you need more sexually & financially;  if you really want to reconcile your relationship with him you may want to consider couples counseling, otherwise leave and get your life together before he completely ruins you financially.

Answer 8

Sorry you are going through all of this. He is like a stranger and an enemy right now. Maybe it is a good thing that he is so totally acting like a bu##w!pe... so you can be free of him for good. My condolences about your Mom and the fact that the man you trusted has lost his d@m#d mind.

Answer 9

Aw hun, I'm sorry for your loss. Sounds from what you have stated that your husband is what I would term as a " taker ", take all & give nothing or very little in return.

You on the other hand come across as a very loving, caring, giving person. This situation is not your fault.

Your husband's behaviour, both past & present is inexcusable, he doesn't want a divorce because he is onto a good thing as he sees it.

You love him & he knows it, he has & will take full advantage of this fact. You deserve so much more, especially now as you are vulnerable due to your bereavement. He should be falling over himself to make sure you are ok, but unfortunately his isn't. If your husband cared for you & had any respect for you, then he would be with you, consoling you.

He is a thoroughly spiteful man in my opinion ( I'm sorry, I don't want to upset you or offend you but I am merely giving you my opinion ).

I think you should seriously consider all your options with regards your husband, perhaps just cut your losses now & file for a divorce.

He is already moving on with his life hun, time to fight fire with fire. You aren't second best, so why allow yourself to be treated as if you are ?

You are better than this & you deserve to find someone who will work with you, someone you can depend on & build a life with, someone who actually appreciates you & the efforts you make in your relationship. In short some one who loves & respects you in the way you want & deserve.

You need time to grieve at the moment ok hun.

As soon as you feel strong enough, kick your husband to the curb, he has taken you & your family for granted for long enough & "sorry" just doesn't cut it.

Good Luck. Be strong your dad needs you at this time & you need your dad. X :-)

Answer 10

First, I am sorry about your mother. This is going to be a very vulnerable time for you, so look out for yourself; keeping your distance is probably a good idea right now. He's an idiot--or at least behaving as one. He is probably going to really avoid your family right now since your mother passed because if he is even halfway human, he is going to feel badly for what he did. I say you move on without him, but don't let him just get away with leaving you stuck with piles of bills! Take that mess into court and let them deal with it. Good luck with everything; I hope you follow up to let us know how it plays out.  

Answer 11

Well hun I am real sorry to hear that.  I would move on because it sounds like he has. He has lied to you and sexually denied you of your needs. It takes two to make it work and it sounds that it is one sided. You deserve more than that. you sound like you are a independent woman. You don't need someone to use you and bring you down. And to hurt you more then just the bank book. I know loving someone sometimes can hurt and love is blinding but you need  look outside the box and realize he is no good for you. move on. I know thay that is alot of years to loose. But better to realize now than later who and what he is about. Cause the longer you stew on it the longer it will take to heal your heart.

Answer 12

Sweetie, there's another woman...sounds like he's been wining and dining someone who is 'high maintenance'....a divorce would put a serious crimp in that style he's got going.

I would seriously re-think saving this marriage...for someone who wants the marriage to stay intact he sure is putting no effort into it...good luck.

Answer 13

If you keep putting your paycheck in a pocket with a hole in it, you're wasting your effort.

If you keep putting your trust in the man who you call "husband" (when he has now proven to be no true husband of yours), then you are wasting your time, his time and your parent's money and time.

So now, just make your choice - it's really that simple.

Answer 14

Honey, I am sorry for the loss of your mother.    Wow, you are in a tough situation.  I dont know, it amazes me sometimes too how people can be so different than who they portray to be.    In all honesty, I think he has been using you and your parents for the longest.   Right now, you need to get your life in order finanaces and all.  Since you guys are married I dont know what you can do about the finances.   Try to speak with your father, and see if you guys can seek legal advice.   If I were you, I would start thinking of a divorce.  Keep all evidence of his lieing and cheating.   You can show in the courts that he commited adultery, and wasted money and lied.   I dont know how far you can go with this, so you really need to talk it over with your father and both of you go see a lawyer as soon as you can.   Anything he owns, sell it. Whats his is your and whats yours is his. so you have a right to sell.  

I dont think you should waste your energy on this man anymore.  I think he had an affair way before you even kicked him out.   If you decide to go through the divorce and a law suit dont tell him a thing.   Right now is not thinking about you.  It's time to move on, its time to take ownership of your life and make a brighter future for you.  You do not need this heart ache.   Its a sad situation, but put yourself first.  Things happen for a reason, reasons we cannot see now, but later on im sure you will be glad to have gotten rid of the scum you have of a husband.  

Good Luck, and I wish you well.  

Answer 15

NO,you are justified in your feelings.Get out now,while you can.I hope his financial problems don't ruin your credit forever.You didn't mention kids so I hope that means you don't have any but if so I think the best thing is a ending the marriage.Good luck.

Answer 16

I would like to say Im sorry for what that man has put you through. You need to move on with your life and get stared on your divorce. No man should treat someone like that. Well at least you have a reasons to let him go. You dont need this any longer. Dont be to concern about him. Stay focus on your situation. Things will get better for you,when you have think you have fallen deep in a hole , there is always something there that will keep you balance and bring you back up to a better place. Dont worry if hes not coming to the funeral or if he pays your credit cards and has not helped you at all. It will all come back to him even worse. you do what you have to do to take care of your household, your credit and family. Not all has been lost. Keep your head up and dont take him back because shame on you if you do. Start your divorce at once. Good Luck to You.  

Answer 17

No you're not crazy. This whole situation is insane. He sounds like a total scam artist. It's quite possible that he is doing some kind of drugs as well. Something terrible is going on with him and you are going to have a lot more heartbreak, I fear. Cut your losses and salvage whatever you can out of this. Your family may be able to help you. I hope it's something that you can handle because that's really what you need to do.

Really sorry to hear about your mom. My prayers are with your family at this trying time.  

Answer 18

You are not crazy that is for sure!!!!  What he has done is horrible.  And his behavior sounds extremely narcissistic and bi-polar at the very least.  And with the pattern in "dining" and "bar hopping" on the paper statement from the bank...the maxed out credit cards as well???  I would say what I always say, once a liar always a liar...If he can't be honest about the little things in life, what makes you think he is being honest with the much bigger issues in life?  What your gut is telling you is your answer to this scenario.  He is one of those "guys" that are still a little boy...and never chose to become a MAN.  And in that whole theory of his mind, he EXPECTS you to make his life stable, and to fix the wrongs he has committed.

   The trust is gone, he blew it.  You did not.  It truly is your choice on whether you want to continue the games or not.  I am sorry about the loss of your mother.  And for the insensitive person your married to.  Been there and done that...Happily I've moved on!!!!  Take care.

Answer 19

You are definitely not crazy to think his behavior is awful.  He was inconsiderate before your mom passed away and in my opinion what he is doing now is the most inconsiderate act of all.  I understand the pain of just having a mother in ICU and for 8 months living with the fear of losing my mom..now 2 years later, I still live with that fear daily.  If my husband were not beside me, I don't know how I would make it.  What you are going through is so much greater and your husband, even though he has moved out, should have the courtesy to be by your side during this tragic and painful time.  I feel you made the right decision in asking him to leave.  I offer you my deepest condolences and may God give you peace during this time in your life.  I don't know if you believe in God or not, but I do and I will say a prayer for you before I go to sleep tonight.

Answer 20

I don't think "Don't Be Sad" this words will heal you at this moment. So, cry if you need, scream if you want because this will at least temporary release you sadness, your anger, your shame, your doubt.

What is important now than manage your mom's funeral. Be a good daughter to place your heart for the last time at your mom's side. Pray for her. Thank her for your up bring in, for her effort & her love to you. Reflect on what she has thought you & her every piece of precious advise.

Relationship are very uncertain. Staying happily forever and ever is just a fairy tales. In relationship there are always ups & downs, good & bad, happy & sad, success & failure. No matter in which situation you are in, remember DON'T angry, torture, pressure, hate your self and your life.

I always like to use this phrase:-

THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON.

LET IT COME WHAT IT MAY.

EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING.

DON'T HATE BUT LOVE YOUR ENEMY, FOR THIS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

No offence but what I understand from your story is you both have no children yet, right?

If yes, what I can see here is a missing of children that will enhance & unite ones family life. But for your case, I think is good enough to forget him. If you never try to cheat, you will always affraid to start. But if you started once and yet still don't realise the mistake.......Then you WILL NEVER feel GUILTY. Thats what he is facing now. It has been months and months... and no changes.

Remember the good & forget the bad...

REMEMBER things happen for its reason, there is always someone out there that can feel your love & appreciate you. Is a life challange to make this kind of decision, where you have to not only face your own self but also to family & friend. I don't like to see married couple to split or divorce, But if you come to no choice for a better living, make your own decision wisely.

One more thing, relationship can split but not family, so seek for your family's advice.

Deepest Sympathy.

Answer 21

To answer your question "am i crazy to think that his behavior is awful?"....h**l no your not, not to be rude but your husband is being a complete d**k. Its my opinion that you should usually trust your gut when it comes to your partners faithfulness, and seems you have a little bit of evidence that he is up to something and combine that with the fact that hes kind of shut off to you....well ive had the exact same thing happen to me and in the end it turned out my gut was right.

Your story really is a sad one with this happening and then your mother passing like that....i dont even know what to tell you except that you have to take care of YOU right now....figuring out what ever your husband has been up to is secondary to allowing the grieving process to happen for your mother.  

So yeah...in my opinion deal with the loss of your mother before worrying about your hubby....chances are he will come grovelling back to you when hes done doing what hes doing...only you will be able to decide if its worth it to give him a second chance. Oh and if the thought of lossing your husband in the end hurts really bad right now...trust me, i know from experience that the saying time heals all wounds is really true...someone is out there for you that wont do this to you...he should be with you now to help you with your loss am i right?

There is a guy that would be there for you right now if he knew you.

Answer 22

I think your husband has given you more than enough reason to end the marriage.  There seem to be no trust, communication, or love from him.  Stay married to him only if you think you can build all that back by yourself.

Answer 23

He left you a long time before you asked him too. I am so sorry you have had to go through this, seemingly alone. I know what it's like to give and give, and give, and get nothing in return. I feel for you, and my deepest sympathies for you and your family. As for your man, Move on and get to know yourself again. You lost yourself in this marriage years ago when you gave up everything to make him happy. Take some time for yourself, pamper yourself, and don't let this define you. You can and will get through this, and eventually meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. And please don't blame yourself, you did everything to make him happy, men like him will never be happy. You deserve better, don't take him back, he needs you more than you need him. Sounds like he can't even take care of himself. So, file for divorce and let the boy grow up, sister!  

Answer 24

Let him go. He's arrogant and an a*****e who only thinks about himself. Pray about it.. cry it out but move the h**l on with your life.

Answer 25

Tell him to join you in marrage counciling. If he is suffering from alcolhol, drugs, depression or "mid life crisis" then you will know during the sessions.

Normally I would say end the relationship because, as you already know, he has proved he doesn't seem to love you as a husband should love their wife. However, you are still very much in love with him to put up with his treatment of you.

Please think hard on this........

Be strong and perhaps "a new life journey" is awaiting you.

Best of luck and remember, never settle for less than you need.

Answer 26

I am really sorry about you losing your mother. And you are completely justified in being angry. I would say you should divorce him, even if you don't want to you will hurt yourself if you don't. My parents were married 13 years and my dad one day pulled out 9,000 dollars from my brother's, sister's and my college savings my mom had been working on for many years to buy a new car. Can you imagine? A new car over your own children's education? He still won't admit to it, even though there's solid proof. He then cheated on my mom with the maid, and he let my mom pay for the pre-natal care for this child. When my mother found out she was furious and she gave him six months to straighten up. He went and had another child. So my parents finally got divorced and even now my dad tries to lessen child support more and more each year, and refuses to pay half of the college education as my parent's agreement was, so my mom ends up paying it all. This may seem like a completely different situation, but the result is the same. I know it's hard to accept, but people don't change very much. I would suggest you not expect him to be at your mother's funeral, and if he is then just thank him for coming. Try and cut off any sort of shared accounts you may have, then file for a divorce. Do it now so you may be able to forgive him later, just don't end up like my parents who hate each other and can't even spend two minutes together without screaming.

Answer 27

No you not crazy. i dont wanna sound mean but maybe you will be better off with out him, he's being lieing to you even when you have proof.