How could he?

Question

I know that some people might not find this as big of a deal as I do, but I have been wondering about this for some time now. Well my youth pastors name is Scott. He has a wife and one of the cutest four year old little boys I have ever seen. They are white (not that it matter but just saying) Scott is a very generous and giving person, they have a wonderful family and now Scott is going to adopt a little boy from Africa. I just don't understand how he could do this to Elijah his little four year old! I talked this over with Scott and I asked him if her could ever love the kid they were adopting as much as they love Elijah and he said ofcourse he would and that thought never even crossed his mind. Don't get me wrong b/c I think it's wonderful what they are doing, but for some reason I could judt never do this if I already had a kid I loved. It seems like I would always favor my biological child more.

Answer 1

I have no biological children, but the 2 children I adopted are loved as if they were my own.

It really is none of your business if Scott's family adopts and African American child (or any child for that matter), because at the end of the day, who is going to be the child's family?  Not you.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be so blunt.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that unless you walk the path of adoption yourself, you'll never understand it.

So, if you really want enlightenment about adoption, then follow Scott's case with an open mind and without judgement.

You will be surprised the blessings that can come from adoption.

Answer 2

Do you have an actual question, or would you just like your opinion validated?  I'm unsure of what you're actually asking.

Answer 3

I think it takes special people to adopt children. The fact that he is a pastor shows what type of person he is and the kind of family he and his wife and son can offer. I can't help but point out that you made it clear he adopted child will be of different ethnicity. If your question was truly about adopted versus bio children, you wouldn't have had to clarify the difference. I think on some level the difference in ethnicity might be bothering you. If so, is doesn't mean you are racist. Many people, of all different ethnicities, believe that children should only be raised by like ethnic people. I think if you take time to really explore your feelings,  you might be able to reach a more honest understanding.

The bottom line is that you don't have to understand, because it's not your decision. And even if you are in a small town, the pastor and his wife don't have to have other people's permission or acceptance when choosing to adopt. It is their life.... their family. Your church should be excepting and supportive of the fact that the pastor and his wife have that kind of love for children.... no matter what their ethnicity is!

Answer 4

I guess I just don't understand why you think your feelings should impact your youth pastor's decision.  As far as already having a bio child and adopting a second child, there are many families who have both bio and adopted kids.  I suppose some parents do favor their bio child (actually I've heard of parents favoring their adopted child, too), and I do think that the process of attachment is different, but I've never met an adoptive parent who loved their adopted child less than their bio child.  I'd also like to say, a common fear of parents getting ready for a second child (whether bio or adopted) is that they won't love another child as much as their first - but inevitably they do.  I have one daughter (adopted) and we are planning on adopting again.  I have a hard time seeing that I couldn't possibly love another human being as much as I love my daughter, but  I'm sure I will when we adopt again.

Answer 5

No offense, but you obviously are not a parent. First, to parents, their children are absolutely the cutest, most adorable, most clever, kids around regardless. So the fact that Elijah is actually cute is sorta moot.  

Second, I have 4 children - 3 biological and 1 adopted. The one who is adopted is of another race and I love her as much as I do my other 3. I also think that she is stunningly beautiful. It does require extra responsibility to be an adoptive parent and more so if you are a transracial adoptive parent so I wouldn't reccomend it for just anyone. It takes a real committment. Sounds like Scott is well on his way.

Answer 6

Would you give birth to another child when your first was 4?  Then why not adopt.  ITs not for everyone and to me it sounds like you are a selfish person.  Obviously your pastor is not.  Not that its a bad thing and at least you recognize you couldnt do it. But really it is none of your concern how they choose to add to their family.  

Sometimes christians astound me.  For such a loving religion they are very selfish.   didnt jesus say something about loving all the children??

Answer 7

Where ever there is a child who needs help we, as Spiritual beings, look deep within ourselves to see if we could help in any way. I think it's wonderful they have the faith to take on such a large, Life Long responsibility. I think they see beyond the problems and visualize the beauty this Child will bring to them in the form of unbiased, Pure Love.

Answer 8

Why is it any of your business?

Answer 9

You answered your own question.

"I talked this over with Scott and I asked him if her could ever love the kid they were adopting as much as they love Elijah and he said ofcourse he would and that thought never even crossed his mind. Don't get me wrong b/c I think it's wonderful what they are doing..."

Answer 10

Maybe they're just not as selfish as you.  A lot of people (most) love adopted children as if they were born from their own womb.  It's their decision, and really none of your business.  Why not be happy that a child in a bad situation is going to be brought into a stable, loving home?

Answer 11

Your instincts are right.

That said, not much you can say--sounds like they're on a 'mission'.

How realistic is it to say you'll love someone you've never met as much as a bio child.  It isn't of course.

Don't let others political correctness steer your thinking--you're a bright girl.

Answer 12

Adopting is very much like giving birth to a biological child.  I have two children....bio son 9 and Asian daughter 5.  When I went to china and was "handed" her I felt very much like I did when my son was born.  Adoption is just another venu to expand your family and I feel no difference between my two children.  I love them both equally.

Answer 13

Its not any of your business, and its not doing a disservice to his biological child.  I don't get your reasoning at all.  MOST people will not favor a biological child over an adopted child.  Obviously you shouldn't adopt if you feel you would treat an adopted child differently.

Answer 14

Well, I think they are probably doing this bc this is simply what the bible tells us to do...love, take care of the orphans and widows...you also answered your own question when you said that "Scott is a very generous and giving person, they have a wonderful family and now Scott is going to adopt a little boy from Africa".  Don't you think they will have enough love to love both their biological child and their adopted child?  I think you need to speak to God about your problem with this in prayer, my friend.

Answer 15

I can see it really bothers you that a happy "white" couple would adopt from Africa.  I wonder why.

Not to mention the fact that what your Youth Pastor does with his family is none of your beeswax.

I wonder how Scott and his family would feel if they knew you posted this question.  Violated is what I think.  Violated and judged.

Answer 16

I was adopted by a very loving family who already had a child of their own. The reason they adopted me, even though they already had a child, is because the mother couldnt have anymore children due to cervical cancer. They loved their son very much, and didnt want him growing up without a sibling, so they decided to adopt.

Have you asked you youth pastor his reasonings for adopting? Maybe his wife cant have anymore children, but they do want people knowing about it.

Keep in mind that jsut because they have a child, doesnt mean they cant have more. And just because they adopt, doesnt mean they will love their current child any less.

Thats wonderful that they want to give a child a good home! We need more people in this world like them.

Growing up being adopted, i always feared that my adoptive parenst loved their biological child more than me. But they assured me they loved me just as much, and it took me a while to learn that they were telling me the truth. After all, they choose me, and had the chance to keep me, and they did. We may not have the same blood, but they choose to give me a life and raise me. Thats love!

Answer 17

I'm not sure how old you are or if you have children. But a parents love isn't something that's rationed or measured out. It just grows and grows w/each child you have or bring into your family. I am 31 and my next youngest sister is 26 and my youngest sister is 19. When my youngest sister was 3 my parents decided to adopt the 5 yr. old son of a distant relative who could no longer care for him due to fatal health issues. The day he walked in our front door he became my brother. I could not love him anymore if I had felt him kick in my mothers stomach the way I did w/my younger sisters. I have 2 children right now and am unable to have more. I am looking forward to the day when my husband and I are in the position to become foster parents. I love my children w/all my heart, but I know that if more children come, my heart will grow to accommodate them too. It sounds to me that your Pastor and his wife are very giving people who have a lot of love to share. I bet once you meet the little boy and he becomes a part of your church family you will understand better why they are doing this.

Answer 18

There may be reasons much deeper than what you see superficially.  You may be a little young to understand what your youth pastor and his wife have decided and what reasons they have for it.  There's no reason that they would love their new child less than they love their biological child.  Their children are still their children, and they'll love them both because of that single fact.  Genetics is purely biological, but having a child whether or not its biological is all about love and compassion.

I have no doubt that as long as their mindset it right, they'll have no problem with the new addition to their family.  Elijah would probably love to have a new brother or sister to take care of as well.

Answer 19

Girl, its a bond that some people can never understand until they witness it themselves.  Some people just have a big heart.  There is nothing wrong with adding to ones family and providing a child a happy home and family who loves them UNCONDITIONALLY regardless of what color the family is.  God created us all and not one should be judged based on the color they are on the outside.  I know that it seems like everyone is throwing attitude at you over your question.  It just seems like the color of the family in question is irrelevant.  I have had children both ways.  Naturally and adopted and let me tell you what, I love them all the same.  Children don't feel any different unless you make them feel different.

Besides, you said your self that Scott is a very giving person, he has a big heart (which he should be since he is a man of God).  He saw beyond color and stereotypes.  Adoption is a beautiful thing.  I won't tell you that you shouldn't knock it til you try it. But I will tell you not to knock  it and to get a little more educated about the subject.  You need a little more education from other adoptees and your Bible. I mean that in a loving way.

Answer 20

Different people love in different ways, it's not a necessarily a bad thing that you don't feel that you could love an adopted child as much as a bio-child all it means is that adoption might not be for you. but just because you wouldn't love a adopted child as much as a bio-child doesn't mean that your pastor his wife and their son will not love the new child just as much as their four year old.

Answer 21

My first thought is that you are way too involved in someone elses marriage.

Second, unless you have experienced parenthood, are an adoptive parent, and more importantly, ARE Scott and his wife, you have no way of knowing what they are capable of.

Answer 22

OK..Having just read your profile I have to say that truthfully at 15 your not going to be able and understand this. You're a child and 15 year old are very emotionally immature. It takes years and some people are never able to grasp the meaning of adoption. So with that said the best thing you can do right now for this family that you seem to care about is to just support them even if you cannot understand their motives. Also for your own sake and the sake of your family who quite possibly attend this church you need to keep quiet and act supportive regardless to how you are feeling. You have the power to do a lot of damage here not only to Scott and his wife but to this new child who will be struggling to find his place within his new family and country, but also to Elijah and your own family buy causing hurt feelings during an emotionally stressful time.

Answer 23

I have 3 biological children and I am in the process of adopting 2 more, I am able to have more children.

I have had my 2 for about 3 years now, I love them just as much as if they had come from me.   It is possible to love them just as if you gave birth to them.   They become a part of you.  It's hard to put into words, but they become yours.

Answer 24

What don’t you understand?  Their adopting a child they will love that child no more or less then the son they have now. I also agree just because you have a knit tight church does not mean you have say in their personal decisions. Instead support them and welcome their adopted child into your church family. I also realize adoption is not for everyone but its clearly something that your pastor and his wife want to do they probably prayed to the heavenly father about it.

Love just grows and expands in the heart. Being a pastor it’s even more understandable that he and his wife would want to do this. The lord wants us to love everyone. Joseph loved Jesus like he was his own son, even though he was not genetically related to him. He didn’t treat Jesus differently then his biological children or love him any less or more.  Scott isn’t doing anything to the current child he has, in fact he is doing so much he is giving his son a brother. Perhaps Elijah will grow up being more accepting of peoples  difference regardless of their race or religions , he will learn about some African cultures. That is what the world needs more of and its what Jesus and God would want.

Why shouldn’t he be able to love his adopted child just as much as his bio son. That would be like saying if they had another biological baby could he love him or her as much as their first child. Which frankly a lot of people think prior to having a 2nd kid.  They don’t know how they could love another child as much  as the first but again love expands.

edit -

You said this in your comments “My reasoning is just that they have already had Elijah for 4 years…..” Almost as if you were concerned about him being an only child for 4 years and suddenly not being an only child. What if they had announced that they were pregnant? After 4 years of Elijah being the only child he wasn’t going to be anymore. Would you have voiced concern then “How can you have another child when Elijah has  been the only one for 4  years.”

You clearly follow the  Lord. Ask yourself this even pray about it. If the Lord can love anyone who accepts him and even those who don’t. The bible tells us that those who accept Jesus inherit the kingdom of Heaven as equals with Jesus. If God can allow mankind to inherit with his son, allow people who are not “biological” related to him. God calls all people his children and loves them, even though Jesus is his only "biolgoical" son.  Then why shouldn't  mankind open up their hearts and do the same thing. Accept a child that is not of their blood but no less their child. WWJD