How did everyone deal with their toddler/preschooler when the new baby came?

Question

I have an almost 4 year-old daughter who has been my best friend since birth. She used to hate going with other people, and only was "ok" with it when I had to go to work, now she pretty much goes freely! I am heartbroken now. She has started acting so fresh! I know most of it is jealousy, but I don't know how to deal with it. I want our relationship to be good again...anyone have similar problems? How did you deal with it? I have to go back to work in 2 weeks and I have a sneaking suspicion things will get worse! If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. Thank you!

Answer 1

You need to make sure she has special time alone with mom and dad.....without the baby in the picture.  This is a hard balance that is not dealt with well with some parents.  The new baby takes a lot of time and attention away from kids.  She needs to feel apart of it, have her help with the baby, call it HER baby, things like this will help!  My parents did things like that and we never had large sibling rivalry issues.  Good luck!  It is great that you are aware of her changing.  She is at the age of starting to want more independence anyway and a new baby is just helping that along, so give her the needed space, but also more individual attention.

Answer 2

I was only 2 when my brother was born, I was not jealous of him, but I didn't want to have anything to do with my mom. I started acting out for her and became a different child. Mom would try to love me, but that didn't work, she tried discipline and that didn't work. Finally she talked to my dad and he started to pay attention and one day mom told me to go take my nap and I turned around and told her no I didn't have to. Dad walked over, picked me up took me into my room told me I was never allowed to talk to mom that way and so therefore I was going to get a spanking. He swatted my behind 2 times and then told me he loved me, mom loved me and and when I step out of line I was going to get spanked. He then layed me down and walked away. From that day on I was the normal happy go lucky little girl. I was already being allowed to hold my brother when ever I wanted and was very involved, so it had nothing to do with my brother. I still believe in spanking as long as it is done correctly, like my parents did. If you don't then discipline her in your way, but I do feel she needs discipline for her own actions. She needs to take responsibility for what she is doing wrong.

Answer 3

First of all, I'm concerned that you consider your daughter "my best friend since birth". Your responsibility is to parent her, not be her friend nor you hers.

As the previous poster said, do one-on-one things with just her, a special time of reading before bed, an hour at the park on the weekend, that sort of thing.

My daughter was 4 when her sister was born. I never called her sister "her baby", she wasn't. But, I involved her in helping with her baby sister - getting things for me, helping with a diaper.

If you give your 4 year old love, discipline (don't let her get away with "acting fresh") and make her feel an important part of the new baby, you should have a great mother-daughter relationship.  

Answer 4

It probably sounds impossible with a 4 y.o, a (fairly, I'm assuming)newborn and going back to work, but...find time just for her, and TELL her it's just for her- for some reason I've found it helps when I point it out to them. ?  Sometimes you have to be creative...I have a toddler  and a newborn (5 weeks) and on many days I have actually had mami/'baby' time with the toddler in THE SHOWER :) You do what you've got to do, right? I take her in with me, and some shower-crayons, and we draw and sing etc, and at the same time I get to wash my hair and shave my legs, and she gets clean too :)   I also wait until the baby is alseep and put my toddler in the carrier (often on my back for safety) while I start dinner (even if it's noon) and while I do all the prep work, she looks over my shoulder and we talk about what I'm doing, and again, I get something done but also make it time with her; at four years old, you could certainly involve her in that sort of thing, teaching her, getting something done, and spending time one on one, all at the same time. She is also old enough to 'help' a little bit and feel *very* important that way- I've found that (until about 7 years of age) my daughters looove to 'help' in the kitchen, and it always provides great talking/ learning/playing silly time.

As for the behavior- you can't accept behavior you wouldn't have accepted before. Stay consistent- it will provide both structure in an emotionally challenging time and boundariess you've simply got to have now.

I hate to ask (feel free to kick me if you must)but is it neccesary to go back to work just yet? If you can possibly get any more time, even a few more weeks, it may help immensly in the long run. Grown women have trouble adapting to a new life in the short amount of time given for maternity leave, can you imagine how much harder it is for a 4 year old to comprehend?

That said, they are resilient little people, and if you have no choice then that's that, so to say. But regardless, you have the challenge of needing to walk a fine line right now- stick to your boundaries regarding  behavior, and also let her know she is the most wonderful little girl in the world. It's all a big juggling act, and you have to find the rythm that works for your self and family.   Ahh...motherhood...good luck!

Answer 5

First of all, get out of the best friend mentality.  Your kids have friends their own ages that can be their best friends.  Parents that want to be their kids best friends make terrible parents and their kids suffer for it.

As far as the jealousy, it is a fact of life.  She had you all to herself for four years and that will change forever when the new one arrives.  

Answer 6

When my second son was born, his older brother had barely seen him and stated to me to leave him at the hospital since he wasn't a puppy. (they are 2 yrs 1 month and 1 day apart). Once we got home, he couldn't wait to teach him brother new things, had a hard time understanding why he couldn't play ball or run around the house. It took some time but after a while, Thu got a long great. I am just now to the point of the oldest wanting me to return all his other brothers and sister back to the hospital. (he's going through puberty and can't take them right now)...it will go a lot easier on you to include the other child in everything you do and let her help out. If need be, pump just a little milker into a small bottle and let her feed the new baby. It won't be long before she will be teaching the baby many, many things you dint want them to know.

Congrats and best of luck to you.

Answer 7

Are you talking about the relationship between you and your daughter or your daughter and the baby, or both? Maybe you can give her the role of being a big sister and give her a bit of responsibility in taking care of the baby, as if you two are sharing. By responsibility, I mean within the limits that a 4-year-old can. Ask her to help you dress the baby, pick out some clothes, or comb the baby's hair and praise her for being such a good big sister. My daughters were about the same age apart and my oldest was always "the big sister" who kept an eye on the little one. It worked for me.