How did i write my poem on freedom. give feedback Thanx.

Question

please tpye in what ever needs to be corected and give feedback

Thanx

Here it is-

Every one on the planet has the power to live there freedom

But most don’t have true freedom,

As they pretend to be,

Freedom is to be yourself, to express the inner you,

And not to hide the beautiful you in your face,

Freedom can be expressed through, in what to do that’s right or wrong,

It can be though speech or action and thinking.

Mahatma Gandhi won India independence and freedom by doing what’s right and that is only way it could have been done.

Quotes-

Freedom of speech and freedom of action are meaningless without freedom to think. And there is no freedom of thought without doubt.

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.

-Mahatma Gandhi

The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are.

Answer 1

everyone has the power,

that power is freedom.

defining pretense and truism,

in what context does it

express itself?

a stong, proud people,

a poor infamished nation,

under dictatorship and

oppression.

residing in all,

the power is freedom.

The desire that creates change,

that survives unsurmountable

human tragedy,

that resides in the soul of man.

FREEDOM, not a dream,

it is you!

I took what you have written and condensed it into more of a poetic free style. If you look closely, the context is about the same, your original thoughts transformed, You have the right idea and are on the right track, you put your thoughts on paper and then define and redefine until you are happy with the result.

I believe: No matter what you write, someone will like it. I liked yours enough to take your ideas and rearrange them. The idea and theme are the same; the presentation is different. Would I publish the change to my website, no. I would add, delete, rearrange,  consider more or better expression, etc. Only when I was happy with the result, would I post. I re-wrote your poem in about 20 minutes, maybe a couple more hours I would be happy with the result.

Consider my poems about freedom. Freedom is expressed in so many ways--they are uncalcuable. When you write let your heart speak and whatever comes to mind, put it down. You will have great success when you gain the confidence and experience in writing. Remember, you might not like what I wrote, but you don't have too. I am the one who has to be happy with the result.

I hope this helps. If you want to gain some great experience, start a site at allpoetry.com. It is free and the people are there to help you write great poetry.

Good luck.

Mac

[e-mail]

allpoetry.com/mac_mcgovern

Freedom

Its foundation built on sacrifice

maintained by the strength of belief

wounded by  separatism

healed by patriotism

destroyed by disunion

______________________________________...

Heat

It is hot! The air above me suffocates, lacking breeze.

This July eve, the heat affects me most.

Tomorrow, I will end one affiliation and begin anew.

The future causes my brow to arch, the heat adding to my discomfort.

This house, my home is large and strong, but may not survive the coming storm.

All before me, I must be willing to cede as a consequence of this nights decisions.

I feel the heat began to crescendo into a fire storm.

I envision myself appearing at the very gates of h**l.

I finish my dress and put on my coat realizing, soon, this will be my home no longer.

I will be branded a traitor in my native country, a patriot in my new.

As I sit in the Congress, I am alone if not for Jefferson and my Congressional Secretary. The document prepared by Jefferson beckons my signature. I am overcome with emotion as I, John Hancock, President of the Congress, slowly, in large bold script, sign The Declaration of Independence.

As I return to my home, I realize this heat will not go away for a long time.

I return to say goodbye.

______________________________________...

American Flags



American flags,

the right to destroy is yours;

as is your freedom.

Answer 2

Don't mean to be harsh but this seems more like a work of prose or some kind of a beginning to an essay. I felt more like I was an audience member during a speech rather than reading a poem. A poem needs to have a certain feeling to it, and I feel left wanting after reading it.