How did you make your dicision??

Question

im still trying to make my dicision on if i should keep my baby or give her up for adoption? my boyfriend wants us to keep her but the further along i get the more doubt i have i mean im only sixteen. does it ever really work out for teen moms. and i want to go to college and have a career. i just am not sure....

Answer 1

If you really want to go to college and get a career you will have to work REALLY hard. You can do it but you'll have to work so hard. You'll have to get a part time job to make money for the baby, and go to school. Hopefully someone can watch the baby while you and your boyfriend work. If your mom or aunt or someone is willing to watch your baby while you work and go to school (and not hang out with friends, or go to  dances or sports events or the movies or anything like that) then you might be able to do it. But you'll be working all day every day. If not work, or school, taking care of your baby.

Answer 2

You should be very careful in your decision process because once its done it done forever.  

if you want to keep the baby, there are agencies which will help you keep it and you can still go to college and have a career.  You have to choose different friends, because some will be going home to babies and some will be going out with friends.  Maybe parents or grandparents or other family members can help out too.  Maybe even the father's family can help out.  You wont be a teen mom forever.  You will be an adult very quickly, no matter if you keep the baby or not.  You only need help for a very short time and then you can raise your baby on your own.  

If you decide not to keep the baby, it can go 2 ways.  Either you will be happy or you will be sad, but unfortunately you wont know until its done.  

If you are sad, you have to remember that you can not change your mind.  You have to be OK with the idea that someone else will raise the baby.  You have to be OK that you cant just show up one day and want to be the mom.  Sometimes the sadness will last your entire lifetime.  This is serious and must be considered.  You must be prepared to be very very sad with not knowing what is happening to your child.  

If you are happy, then you will rest easy knowing that a family who was praying for a child now has one.  And you can go forward with your life knowing that you made the best decision you could possibly make at the time and everyone walks away happy.  Maybe you can find a family who will allow open adoption and you can check in on the child.  

The happy ending is what everyone hopes for.  If you decide to place the child, I hope for a happy ending for you.

Answer 3

After giving my daughter up for adoption at age 16, I did not want to ever have children again. I literally beat myself up for 20 years over what I had done. When I got strong enough I turned right around and had 2 boys back to back by myself. I worked 3 days a week, went to college 2 days a week and had all my evenings and weekends with my kids, just like normal people.

There will always be regrets. The poster who said she didn't have any regrets turned right around and said she would have loved to keep the child with all her heart. THAT'S A REGRET.

Parenthood is hard. It is sacrifice. No matter what age you are. You can always get an evening out to go to the movies. You will appriciate it more too.

If you want to weigh something that will help with your decision. Weigh your regrets. Here's two to get you started.

How long will you regret not being able to go out with your friends compared to how long you will have to regret living without your child?



Will you regret having to take an extra year or two to get your degree in college if it means having both your career and your child?

I have listed even more regrets you may want to take a look at in a question posted about regrets of birth mothers and remembering birthdays. (Which is very hard every year.) (Only to be followed by Mothers Day, and Christmas. )

You may want to look at them I'm sure there are some you haven't thought of. I know I didn't think of them at the time.

Opened adoptions are not protected by any laws. Those doors can be closed at any time by the adoptive parents.

You will be a mother after giving birth whether you keep your child or not. You will have gone through all the motions, emotions, sickness and pain. It's not something your going to forget.

You have a support system use it. If it's not enough go find more. It's out there. You have an expectant father who wants to parent his child. His input shoud be given EQUAL consideration.

Answer 4

Dont allow the fact that you are a teen mom to be the only reason you place the baby for adoption.  you should get some professional counseling and make the best choice you can for you and your baby.  This decision will last a lifetime.  There are plenty of teen moms who are very good parents.  You can be a good parent too.  Also, think about the fact that your hormones are out of control right now and you are probably very emotional.  Take some time, there is no hurry.  Have the baby and see how you feel later.  You can always decide later.

Answer 5

Lots of teen moms make it, I found university to be one of the most supportive environments I could possibly be in, I got free day care, had a flexible schedule, cheap campus housing, and early childhood education classes.

I own my own business now, and the other teen mom I kept in touch with is now a doctor.  

People have been having babies as teenagers since the beginning of time, there have been good teen moms from the beginning of time.

Check out girlmom and don't underestimate what you are capable of.  Giving your baby away like a "gift" for an infertile woman, is no fun for the "gift" child.  Adoption causes a lot of risks for the child involved

Answer 6

Here are blogs written by relinquishing mothers.

Mothers that have so so many regrets - please read their words -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

As I wrote on your other question -

You can have a child - and still have it all.

Perhaps it won't be in the order you first imagined - but it can still happen.

Giving up a child to adoption will forever affect you - and the child. It's not something you'll just 'forget' about - and 'move on' from - as some people seem to think.

Sure - things can be tough - but grab all the support around you that you can - and you can make this work.

Thousands of young moms have in the past.

Here are some links - please do some reading before you make up your mind -

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pd...

http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?page...

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

(click on the 'pregnant and need help' in the left hand link list)

Don't sign anything until after you've had your child.

Give it a go.

You can always wait and see.

Once you sign - you can't go back.

I know too many relinquishing mothers that have too many regrets.

I know way too many adoptees that are emotionally and psychologically affected from being separated from their mothers - and could have stayed with their mothers - if their mothers would have been told - YOU CAN DO THIS!!

And you can.

I wish you and your baby all the very best life has to offer.

Answer 7

You should be able to find an adoption agency near you that provides free counseling for unwed mothers, as well as birth fathers.  Please search one out and take advantage of the service.  And don't worry, getting counseling from an adoption agency DOES NOT mean you'll end up making an adoption plan.  They are there to help YOU discover what YOU feel is best for YOUR baby.

Answer 8

I had a baby at 19-the father wanted me to place it for adoption-I even picked a family and when she was born I couldn't do it. So I raised her and it was REALLY hard and nine months later I found out I was pregnant again!! I placed the baby for adoption with a couple who could take care of her and they really, really love her. I get to see her all the time and I have a really great relationship with them!! I am at peace with my decision and when I see my little girl it makes me feel good that I gave her a great life!

Answer 9

It is different in every situation. For me it worked out great! My baby gave me a reason to try even harder to meet my goals and he's now 21 and happy and wonderful! I don't know what I would do without him. I have always had plenty of support too. I lived with my parents when he was born and my parents loved him like their own.

If you are determined to have this work out, it can. You have to try harder, work harder and be willing to sacrafice, but when you are doing it for a child that you love, it is not a burden! If you're not ready for it though, know that there are so many parents who would love to have a baby.

Good luck to you!

Answer 10

It really is up to you and your stability. If you have enough money and time for a child then by all means keep him or her. But if giving the child up for adoption is best for the baby, then that is a great alternative.

Giving your child up for adoption does not mean you love him or her less, it just means you love them so much you want to give them a chance at a better life.

Answer 11

my sister was 16 when she had her son and i help raise the child im the older brother i can say she loved the child and so will you in myn opion i would keep the child and you can still work go to school and get help from the dept of human services for babysitting so you can go to school there are many single parents and sounds like the father wants to be part of this childs life i would keep it if you give it up you are gonna regret it in the future

Answer 12

I think you should call a reputable adoption agency, and talk to a councilor. Adoption is not the right choice for everyone, but neither is being a mom at 16. I am the mom of an adopted daughter (now 2) and it is the most amazing gift that I could have received. However before we matched with her birthmom I was talking with another pregnant woman considering placing, and I know it is an incredibly hard decision. She was talking to the social worker at the agency, and also with me. She had decided that IF she placed  it would be  with my husband and I. She was an amazing person and  I'm so glad I got to know her  and talk to her when  she needed support. In the end she decided to parent. I know it was the right decision for her.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is no right answer, and the best you can do is explore your options and feelings. If you do make an adoption plan you will get to chose the family for your child, and also decide if you want contact and to what extent. The agency we used in california was adoptionconnection.org (they work with birthmoms in all states) . To me  they seemed caring and concerned about helping a potential birthmom  decide what was right for her.  Who ever you talk to make sure you feel comfortable, and that your best interests are being protected.

Best wishes to you and your child.

Answer 13

If you have s*x at 16 then deal with consequence. If you don't like this situation your in, then next time use protection...

Answer 14

I met with an Adoption Counselor who helped me figure out what I wanted to do.  I realized that to support my child, I would be in school during the day, and working Night's and Weekends.  I wouldn't have had time to give her the attention that she deserved.  I realized that I still had so much to learn before I was ready to be a great Mom.  She now has 2 great parents, her Mom is a Stay at Home Mom, she has an amazing life, and I'm so glad I gave her that opportunity

Answer 15

Personally, I believe that adoption would be the best choice for you and your child.  I know it is hard.  but both decisions cause regret.  What you need to think of is what is best for both you and your baby.  

Adoption is best for you in many ways.  First, adoption doesn't have to be a sad thing.  You can choose the parents, and keep contact with your child.  I put my son up for adoption.  But I am still his mom and I still hear from his parents every week and get to see him.  If you choose adoption, it doesn't necessarily mean having to loose your child forever.  It is a wonderful thing to give the gift of a child.  You would be helping someone live their dreams.  When I placed my son, I didn't loose him, I found a new family.  You also won't have to give up your life.  I know so many people who were teenage parents.  They love their children very very much.  But they also lost an important part of their life.  If you have a child when you are sixteen, you will not be able to be a sixteen year old any more.  You won't get to be 17, 18, 19, 20, or 21.  You will loose the funnest years of your life.  You won't be going to movies, parties, concerts, school functions...etc. So many teenage parents have told me they wish they would have done what I did with my son.  Not by any means because they don't love their children.  But because they weren't ready to be mothers.  

Remember, it doesn't mean you can't have a child someday.  It means you are being responsible and waiting until you are able to support a child and enjoy them fully.

Also,  I don't know what you and your boyfriend's plans would be to support your family if you keep the child.  But no matter what you decide, you are in for a surprise.  You probably don't completely understand what it is to live in the world with a child and without a college education yet.  It is unbelievably difficult to get by on minimum wage or slightly higher.  Even if both of you work full time.  Not only that, but what about child care?  Baby's costs?  That costs a fortune.  If your parents have agreed to help you, that is wonderful.  But how long would your parents let you stay with them?  If they are allowing it in the first place?  Would you really want to burden them with watching an infant while you finish school, work, or try to go to college?

Furthermore, placing your child would be best for the child in certain ways.  Your child will have a loving family that will not be struggling financially.  A family that is struggling financially can't function as well as one that is not.  The adoptive parents will have planned ahead for this baby.  They have readied themselves to give their entire life to this child.  They don't still have to finish high school.  They are ready.  They will be able to give your child more stability and a better chance in the future.  By this I don't mean that you wouldn't be a good parent.  I just don't think that you will be the best parent that you could be if you waited until you were ready.  

That said, I know how you feel.  I wished I could have kept my son with all of my heart.  I love him more than anything.  But I felt that it would have been selfish to do so.  I wanted to keep him because I didn't want to be sad.  But there is more to being a good mother than loving your child.  He deserved a great life, and so did I.

Answer 16

Before making this decision you have to look at a lot of things. The first is look at yourself. Do you want to be a mom? Could you handle it if your boyfriend, somewhere in the future decides he wants nothing to do with either of you and leaves you to raise your baby by yourself? Secondly, look at the people around you, be realistic. Will they really help you if you decide to keep your baby? Will you have someone you can turn to as you go long? Do you have the support from your family, and his, that you're going to need in order to raise this baby? If you keep it, who really will be responsible for raising this baby? If it isn't you, ask yourself is it fair to them. You're 16, yes you didn't make the wisest decision, that you must live with. Don't punish this child. There are great wonderful people out there, just waiting to adopt a child and with open adoptions available you can still be a very large part of their life. So look at all your options, be realistic not emotional, I know it'll be hard. But do what it is best for your baby, not just what your boyfriend, family or society is best. You know deep down what is best.

Answer 17

News flash if the father does not want to place then you can not place her. Therefore if he is against it and he wants the baby you will need to hand the child over to him to raise as a single father.  A baby can not be placed for adoption  with out the consent of both biological parents. In some cases if the father is unknown one can sometimes get around it. Or like this poor baby that was recently found in a trash can while if they don’t find out who the mother is obviously they can’t do much about whoever the father is. However in your case you know who the daddy of your baby is so the expectations do not apply to you.

It can work out for teen moms I knew a girl in my class got pregnant end of freshmen year when she was about 15. She kept her baby and went on to graduate with our class and went to college. I wouldn’t lie to you it wouldn’t be easy you will likely have to make a lot of scarifies. If want to keep your baby you will just have to make those sacrifices accept that this is the consequences that your accepting for having sexual intercourse knowing that pregnancy is a possibility when s*x happens.  No one can say if you will be a successfully teen mother, but no one can say that you wouldn’t. Really you wouldn’t know in till it happens when you’re looking back 8 or 10 or more years from now.

You might seek outside counseling but don’t get it from an adoption agency seek it from a person who is going to lay all your options on the table the good and the bad and allow you and your boyfriend to make your own choices. You might even talk to current teen parents and those who have been teen parents about their situations hear the good and the bad.  Again you can not place the child for adoption unless the father agrees to it as well, from what you say he does not want to place his baby for adoption.

Answer 18

i made an adoption plan and changed my mind.

i was the "perfect birthmother" (young, healthy, college-bound), yet, knew in my heart that giving up my kid was not an option.

basically, i woke up in a cold sweat, holding my belly, crying and  realized that there was no way in h**l i could give my kid to another person, just because "society" believed i should. i have since completed college, grad school and will have an earned doctorate degree in 2009.  so can you do it? absolutely!

in other words, many young women parent their children effectively. don't buy into the hype that your child is destined to  a life of poverty and crime just because you are young and unmarried.

oh...if the father doesn't sign, you can't legally place the baby.

i strongly advise you to speak to a "non-adoption agency" related counselor to help you work out your decision.

Answer 19

To relinquish your child you need to be so so sure and have no doubts because it is so final, and you will have the rest of your life ahead of you, which means you may have the rest of your life to regret it.  Take all the time you need.  You are lucky that you have a supportive boyfriend and if he is graduating then he can help.  If you have a supportive family then you can still study, and if not, then it is not the end of the world if you take a few years out, and study later, lots of people do it.

Please don't make a decision you may regret and not be able to go back on.  Instead of thinking can I keep my baby, try thinking can I give birth to my child that has grown inside me for 9 months, look into his/her face, feel him/her, smell him/her, love him/her (because you will), and then give him/her up.  That is the real decision, and it is far from easy.  It is also far from easy to spend your life wondering about your child, missing your child, and never knowing anything about your child.  I would not wish that loss and despair on anyone.

Good luck.  I hope you make the right decision.  I hope that you get the support that you need, it is out there if you look for it.  All the best.

Answer 20

I was a teenage mom (way back when).  What I suggest is to look at all of your options and all of your resources.  If you're considering adoption, get all of the information you can.  Know your rights.  Know your options.  You need all the information out there to make an informed decision.  And this one is going to be one of the biggest ones of your life.  

It CAN work for teen moms.  I married my son's father (anniversary coming up in a couple weeks) we both went to college and have careers.  And we adopted two children later on.  But I won't say that it was easy.  It was a lot of sacrifice and hard work.  We didn't have the carefree lives that teens and young adults have because we were raising a child instead.  

It comes down to you deciding if you are ready to be a parent.  Keeping the baby is easy.  But you'll be a parent long after this child ceases to be an infant.  If you are ready to be a parent, then be a parent.  But be a GOOD parent.  There are plenty of young people who "keep the baby" but turn out to be lousy parents.  

If you're committed enough to be a parent, a teenager can be a good parent.

My husband and I don't have any regrets.

ETA: I never recommend someone be a parent and I never recommend someone place their child for adoption.  Both answers are irresponsible, in my opinion.  

This choice is yours.  Yes, it is possible to be a good teen parent..  Yes, adoption is a responsible option for people who are unwilling or unable to be a parent at this time.  You are the only one who can decide which option is best for you.

Answer 21

I can only hope that people don't judge or react negatively to my story. Please don't give me a thumbs down if you don't like what we did it was our personal decision. So I completely understand you and I don't know your exact situation or even whether you are considering an open or closed adoption. Firstly I want to say that I was fifteen when my bf (now fiance) gave up our first born daughter. We were not forced to and had the support and option to keep her, but the situation here was very bad and my fiance's mom was giving us a hard time stating that she didn't want him around me. Well we ended up giving our daughter up for adoption and it turned out great for us. Mind you the family we chose (we chose open adoption) allow us to see our daughter and be a part of her life...they even explain to her that she came from my tummy. Well this was five years ago. Today my fiance and I pulled through everything and stayed together (despite both of us being hospitilized due to stress). We are getting married at the end of this year and we now have a 2 month old daughter. We still see our oldest and in fact she will be in attendence at our second daughters baptism and she will be the flower girl at our wedding. When we had our second daughter the challenges of raising a child together was bearable, but I don't know how we would have done if we were only 15. I don't want to tell you what to do I just wanted to give you a success story for adoption. We don't regret our decision. She is still a huge part of our lives and we are grateful that the family who adopted her let us be as much a part of her life as we can.

Answer 22

It can work if you have excellent support from your family and friends. My daughter is a success story. She had a child at 16 and finished high school, went to college, and has a career. The kid is great, too.

Answer 23

My mom had me when she was 17.  Than she married my father when she was 18, and had my sister when she was 19.   She was able to go to college and get a degree, she had a lot of support from her family, and I know she doesn't regret the decisions she made.

This is your decision, but I really think, especially since your boyfriend is willing to try to make it work, that you should keep your child.  She/he would much rather stay with you than with strangers.  Sure, you may not be able to give them the nicest house etc, but money is not important.  Love is.  

I don't want you to feel forced to keep your child, because it will mean a lot of sacrifices on your end, it won't be easy, but it will be worth it.  There is a lot of help available to you if you look in the right places.

Answer 24

I have been in your shoes!! I am 27 but when I was 15 i became pregnant. I had my daughter when I was 16. I kept her and she is 11 now. I made the choice to keep her because I had a very good support system of family and friends, which is extremely important!! Her dad was not much help but he did love her alot. He passed away when she was 2. You need to look at your life, your financial situation, your goals and dreams, if you think you can do it with a baby in tow  go for it !! I did and i have done everything I ever wanted and dreamed of.  I wish you all the love, luck, and happiness no matter what your choice is!!

Answer 25

Either choice is going to be a tough one.  I was 16 with my first child.  I was not able to provide an adequate life for her because I was young, uneducated, etc.  We are doing fine now (shes 15).  However, she gets very upset because I couldn't afford to buy her the things I bought my recent children. I would suggest continuing your education with either of your choices.  It will be very difficult with a child, but you can still do it.

Answer 26

It was pretty much made for me, it was drummed into my head that I was putting her up for adoption and that's what I did. Who knew how that was mess up my life?

If you can, keep your baby and take all the support that is offered to you.