How do I answer my 4.5 year old daughter's questions about death?

Question

In the past year my daughter has lost a friend, a cat, and a grandma. That's a lot for a kid. Her great g'pa died this weekend. We don't even want to tell her about it because she has become very concerned with death: her own, our other cat, her mom, her dad, her friends...

I read last year that when asked by a small child "will I die?" I am supposed to answer, "no".

But I feel like she needs to hear it in order to understand all the death around her.

...btw. natural disasters, war, famine, AIDS...etc....

I understand that my "problem" is not really a problem at all.

I am merely asking for advice.

Thanks.

Answer 1

Tell her that when people get extremely old or very sick, they will eventually die. She might ask about her grand parents, and if she does, state they are not nearly old enough.

Answer 2

Explain to her that everyone will die some day. Lying to her and telling her no would be good for her age but if you want her to understand the real reason dont lie to her, you know? I think that shes way too young to know the truth in my opinion. Explain to her about heaven and that they are still alive there, she just cant see them until she gets there. I wouldnt put it in those exact words though, but something like it so that she doesnt try to do anything bad, you know?

Answer 3

Yes, I would certainly talk to her about death. My daughter is 3 and already knows about death but it doesn't seem to be bothering her as much as it is your daughter. I would suggest finding a good childrens book that deals with death and dying but in a way that a child can understand and not be afraid.

There are children who deal with death almost on a daily basis in the wold (especially those living in poverty). They say it is best to help children come to terms with it, is to include them in the mourning process and to give them plenty of chances to talk about it without giving them illusions about it.

Answer 4

Death is a big deal for children but in reality, they have to know sometime. Depending on your religious belief, let her know that peoples time come to an end and it's the life cycle. It'll be hard for her to understand at first but with time she will know.

And about her great grandpa, I'm sorry, but just let her know that they're all in a better place and watching down on her from above.

Answer 5

we all die but its ok ..because we know people there who are waiting for us and its a happy reunion. Its the same place you were before you were born and its a safe place were everyone in your family and your pets will be together forever.

Answer 6

My daughter is 5, and fortunately has not lost anyone close to her yet.  She knows of death because of other people's family pets, and relatives.

I have explained to my daughter that sometimes people go to heaven to be God's angels - once they go, they do not come back and we cannot go to visit them.

She understands that people die through old age; illness; accidents and unfortunate events.  She knows that eventually everyone goes to heaven; and no one knows when it will be.

She is not afraid of death; her own or others - as she knows that it will be a long way off in most cases.  

I know I am very fortunate in her understanding - and I hope it helps whenever it is something we need to deal with ourselves.

Answer 7

When I was that age I cryed every night about myself and family diying.

I would tell her: Yes hunny you will die and so will I but when we die we go to a  nice place with everything you can think of like cottencandy beds and puppies and rainbows everywhere! If she asks where grandpa is hes on a long vacation and called and said that its so nice there hes going to stay there forever.

Make sure she understands why death  happens aswell.

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Answer 8

i think you should give her the truth in her 'own' words.

explain her the concepts of heaven and h**l.

tell her that her grandpa's time came and is in a better place now (depending on your religious beliefs)

Answer 9

You should tell her if you think shes mature enough to handle it. You don't want her to be paranoid and worried about death at such a young age. If you think it would upset her, she may be too young to hear it.

Answer 10

Tell her ... She'll have to knw about it some day.......... and if you dont make her understand and she goes through seeing more ppl die.... it might be a problem

Answer 11

tell her that someday she will but not anytime soon and that she has nothing to worry about now. i understand that she has experienced losing loved one's but it isn't right to tell her no. she'd find out sooner or later. just tell her the truth then help relax her by telling her not anytime soon and nothing to worry about.

Answer 12

In my oppinion you should tell her that (if you have a strong beleif in God) (sorry if that offended you) that God plans things out and everything will happen for a reason(sorry again if that's not what you want her to beleive) and i also dont think it would be a very good idea to just tell her straight up about all these horrible things. She might become afraid to live her life normally!

I'm sorry if i offended anyone or you and i hope i helped!

Answer 13

I'm saddened by your loss. Please accept my heartfelt condolences and I my wish for your peace and strength at this challenging time. I think one way you could broach the subject of death with your daughter is to share a very poignant book about the topic. It's called "Nana Upstairs & Nana Downstairs" by Tomie dePaola (see link below). I can think of no better book for young children coping with the loss of someone dear to them. The story is about Tommy, a four-year-old boy, who visits his grandparent's house every Sunday. There he rushes in to greet his Nana Downstairs (his grandmother) and his Nana Upstairs (his great-grandmother). Each week they repeat the same routine; Tommy loves them both very dearly. One day, Tommy's mother comes to his room to explain that Nana Upstairs has died. He asks what "died" means. His mother explains that died means that Nana Upstairs won't be here anymore. Tommy doesn't understand, and when the family goes to his grandparent's house he runs upstairs to his nana's room to discover her bed empty. He begins crying and wonders whether she'll ever come back. His mother tells him that she won't...except in his memory. That night, Tommy wakes to see a shooting star and then rushes to tell his mother. She suggests that maybe it was a kiss from Nana Upstairs. Years later, Tommy loses his Nana Downstairs, too, and again sees another falling star. The book closes with him saying, "Now you are both Nana Upstairs."

http://www.amazon.com/Nana-Upstairs-Down...

Death is a natural consequence of life. We all die, and it's not something to be feared, nor are the feelings we experience when we do lose someone we love. It's probable that your daughter's questions about death stem from your reaction to each loss you've experienced this past year. Think about how you've responded to each event...that information should guide your thinking and help you understand her ideas about death and its relevance to her life. You should validate your daughter's feelings without instilling fear in her. Each day you should tell her you love her and make the most of your time with her, sharing stories, playing games, etc. so that you teach her that life is more about living and doing than dying.

Feeling sad or even sick and crying over the loss of someone you love is not a bad thing...it means we're real, we're human...not plastic or wooden. I cannot help but cry every time I read the book, but it confirms that I'm real...that I'm human...and yes, that someday, too, I will die. Nevertheless, I wish someone had taken the time to talk with me about death before I lost my grandmother (my father's mother), which was my very first experience with death...till that time I hadn't even lost a pet. I think I would have been better prepared to accept her passing without struggling with the idea that she wouldn't be here anymore.

I'd like to say that I understand your worry...certainly, I would also be concerned were my child to obsess with death, though I'm not sure that's what your daughter's doing... especially given the circumstances she's faced over the past year...I don't think her questioning is unnatural. Her curiosity suggests that she wants to learn more, perhaps because that knowledge will help her have more control over the situation and better prepare her to face the circumstance of death as it arises again in her life. Once more, that's not a bad thing...and empowering her to accept death as a natural consequence of life helps remove some of the fear associated with it.

"Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs" doesn't dwell on the losses Tommy experiences so much as it celebrates his closeness to and his love for his two grandmothers. I have shared this book many times with children but not without telling them about my personal story and my connection to and love for my oma and opa (mother's side) and my grandma and grandpa (father's side), to whom I owe more thanks and praise than any other people I've ever known. Yes, my reading of the book does provoke strong emotions in my students (and in me because it reminds me of the love I still have for my grandparents), but I recognize each one and we talk about their feelings. I also tell them again and again that no one is ever truly gone so long as you keep that person in your heart and in your memory. I truly believe this...and I think because of this my students do as well. When I read at the Children's Museum of Denver, I always close my story and songs session with a special message for my guests. I thank them all and then I say to the parents, please make the most of this day and every day with your child. I hope you will too.

Answer 14

With my son, to be truthful but soothe his fears, I told him that people live to be 100 years old, so he (and I) had a long way to go.  Later, we discussed that some people don't make it to 100 due to accidents, diseases, unhealthy living, etc.

He has/had lots of questions about what happens after you die.  I started with the stock answers about heaven, but after many follow-up questions, I usually ended up with "well, no one really knows for sure until they die".  My son (now 7) has formed his own opinion: that you go to heaven, and then are sent back to earth as a new baby.  Since I don't know for sure what happens, that's as good a theory as any.

Answer 15

A lot of it depends on what you believe. But whatever your faith or lack thereof provides, use small sentences, try to affirm that it's going to be a long time before she dies and don't give any more detail than is necessary. For example, when my mother died last September, my youngest 2 (7 and 4) were told that Grandmomma died and went to go live with God. We had the opportunity to prepare the kids that it was coming as she had Alzheimer's and they had seen her awareness deteriorate but that was all they needed to satisfy their curiosity. My 12 year old needed more details, but we talked about it without the little ones.

Answer 16

I think you should tell her

But lay it down in a less complicated way.

Like tell her that when you die you go to a better place...

you could also tell her that yes people do die in time  and that not everybody lives forever.

But then again she's only four years old.

So it really depends on what you wanna do about the whole situation.

Best of Luck!

Answer 17

when i was little and while growing up when i or anyone around me asked about death(ie little kids i babysat) my mother or their parents would say that the person who has passed is going to heaven and that its fun up there and that the child will see them again soon. i mean at that age its hard to tell them about things like that because they become obsessed with anything thats not fun and pleasant because they are naive and dont understand.

goodluck, and wait till they hit the age where they start asking about s*x.. that ones loads of fun.

Answer 18

Don't ever lie to your kid. They will end up not trusting you when they are teenagers.

But, you don't want to tell her everything at once. If she asks you Am I going to die, say not right now but everyone dies sometime.

Answer 19

Sit the child down calmly (and you sit down too, at her level) and say something like "Grandpa isn't going to be with us anymore. He passed away- that means that he left and isn't coming back."

If she asks why he isn't coming back, say something like "when things die, even though we sometimes wish that we could have them back, they are gone forever. It is good to think about them and miss them and remember all the fun times you had together."

If she says "Will I die?" say something like "A long, long time from now, when you are very very old."

A child that young is too young to understand AIDs, war, etc. You should save that discussion for a few years, although stories on TV could prompt questions.

Warning: One thing I have noticed as a recurring theme amongst preschoolers (I work with them) who have lost someone is that they will use some sort of toy (doll, stuffed animal, action figure, etc.) and say something along the lines of "Dolly died. Can we bring her back to life?"

Remember that she isn't referring to "Dolly" at all- say calmly "No. As much as you would like to, you can't bring the dead back to life." Don't don't don't tell her she can!

I hope this helps!