How do I approach my children regarding my divorce?

Question

I have recently left my marriage after 31 years of abuse. While I have suffered many if not all of the symptoms of domestic abuse at the hands of my ex husband, the most severe was the emotional abuse that he put me through. He is a master at manipulation, and now that I have walked out on the relationship he is using his manipulation to attempt to turn my children (19 year old son and 23 year old daughter) against me. My son is showing signs of understanding the situation for what it is but my daughter has wholly sided with my ex-husband and is in complete denial that any abuse has taken place. How do I approach these my children so that they understand what has happened, but without completely turning them against their father?

Answer 1

Don't divorce him and stay in the marriage. Problem solved.

Answer 2

They're adults and are capable of internalizing the truth.  Tell them the truth without going into gory details.  They don't need to know specific incidents, as it's none of their business.  Explain that you chose to remain in an abusive marriage and have now gained the strength to move away from it for your own safety and emotional well-being.  They may or may not accept/understand right away.  There isn't much you can do to force that.  Let your ex continue to rant and you remain on the high road.  Eventually they will begin to see where the real problem lies.  Good luck to you, and I hope everything works out well for you.

Answer 3

You're a good person for not wanting the kids mad at him, but at 23, I'm afraid you're dealing with a total "Daddy's Girl." I've got one of those. All you can do is be honest with her. Sooner or later, she'll see him for who he is.  

Answer 4

Heather, I want to first congrats you on the right choice that you have made.  Second, your kids are not children anymore they are adults and like it or not they have feelings as well.  You might agree with them but try to understand where they stand or where they are coming from.  If you tell them the truth instead of trying to be the victim they might see the strength you have in moving on.  Your husband could only do what you allowed him to do to you.

Also, try not to make it bad through your eyes to them, after all they are still his kids.  They also might surprise and tell you what took you so long to leave.  Good luck.

Answer 5

hmm...well it is good that your children are over the age of 18. see what chances you get by actually cornering your ex-husband and confronting him about this. this may sound drastic but, if your kids want full-proof evidence, then film in secret what has happened. but also have the police close-by just incase because now that you have left the marriage, he might even get more violent...

Answer 6

Go to your kids and try to support them that your daddy and mommy still love you. I am a child that has been in the middle of the divorce. Me and my sister have been dealing with it well. Just tell them that your splitting up.

Answer 7

Write them a letter, pour your heart into it. Explain everything that happened, then sit back and give them time.

If they still don't believe you, there isn't much to be done except wait until he shows his true colors to them, with out you there to act as buffer, it won't be long before he reveals his true side to them.

And I also think you should report him for abuse and take that jack **** to court!

Answer 8

Your children are now old enough to make their own minds up.   Honesty is the best policy however only when the subject is raised by your kids.  don't become the preacher on how bad your ex was cause it would cause confusion on if it was really that bad why did you stay for so long!

Don't even entertain the idea about "turning"  them against their father unless they are in physical danger may be they don't really need to know the full situation.  Until the shock of your separation has sunk in. allow them to have the relationship with both of you without any strings

Answer 9

You should have left him long ago when your children were younger. They grew up understanding that Dad's behavior was acceptable because you endured it for the sake of family. You need to let them know that you understand that they are upset about the divorce but it is your decision. They are not little kids anymore and you don't have to answer to them.

If you felt like he abused you and you need to get out, then do so. Just understand that children(even grown ones) will always want Mom and Dad to be together, it is only natural because it is a constant in their lives no matter what abuse is going on. It is time to start your new life and hopefully in a few years, your kids will be okay with the situation. Don't change your decision to make them happy, they don't have to live with him.

Make sure that you never bad mouth their Dad in front of them, be the better person and they will figure out that your decision was the best one. They will eventually see into his manipulation. I wish you luck and happiness for your future. :o)

Answer 10

This sounds like my ex and your to be ex are brothers. I just divorced after 33 years due to the same things you are going through. Your kids are smart and know right from wrong. I have only child she's 23. They are adults, after you tell them the truth, and tell them why you are doing this they will understand, maybe the best thing to do seeing your daughter is in denial, just leave the story short and sweet  Best to you, you can do  this.

Answer 11

Just tell them you weren't happy. This doesn't make your husband look too bad in their eyes then.

Your kids are adults. They shouldn't have to "take side".

You also have to realize that if this man was so manipulative, that he more than likely has done the same to them, if they were raised in the same house.

Answer 12

at 19 and 23, they are adults, not children so you need to talk to them as if they are adults.  Don't try to turn them against their father- you need to explain to them why it is you felt you needed to get out of the relationship.  My parents are divorced (divorced when i was 5) and my mother never told me of things my father did.  and when i realised how much of a sucky father i had (on my own) she explained to me why he was like that and how it made her feel.  Maybe you can't tell them what he did until they realise for themselves what is going on.

Answer 13

Telling your kids that you are getting divorced may be one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do, because you know that it will cause pain and confusion to the one's you love the most.  

Divorce typically introduces a dramatic change, one that can be unsettling, devastating and often perplexing for the entire family. For us, as parents and spouses, divorce is a time of great loss when we mourn the death of an important relationship, the loss of a once beloved partner in life, the demise of an established part of ourselves and a defining part of our identity. For our children, it can be seen as something that is strange, non-real, or temporary and is often misunderstood. Here are some guidelines on how to approach your toddler on this serious matter.

For further reading see.  http://www.globalrapidinfo.com/article_a...

Answer 14

just be truthful with them

Answer 15

you can't. they are adults. you can merely explain YOUR side and why you left it, ... for yourself, not to hurt them. If they have truly had their eyes open while they grew up they will respect that. Careful not to judge them for not understanding.. while it may take a while for them to come around, if you close your self off now... they will never feel comfortable accepting your choice.

Best of luck!

Answer 16

I am the product of an abusive marriage.  my father beat the c**p out of me mother, a younger sibling and myself.  So i know.

I was always my mothers friend, but at one time i grew to hate her because i was hit with the notion that if she really loved us then she would leave him.  Well it took 16 years of marriage and the first 16 years of my life and 13teen of my brothers.  My brother takes it the hardest.  

Do this invite both kids over for dinner if they don't already live w/ you.  (Don't say why over the phone)

No background noise (tv, radio, other friends over, etc.)

after dinner at the table blurt out that you are ready.  Don't say anything else until they ask for what.

Respond with to answer any of their questions reguarding the situation w/ dad.  if they don't start asking.  Say that you'll start asking and answer questions that you think they have and you don't want this to be a lecture.

Rule 1.  Anything goes

Rule 2. Prepare to hear anything

Rule 3. No consequences

Rule 4. Try not to walk away angry

Rule 5. Mom no bad mouthing dad for any

reason (you lose all progress and lose the kids trust)

Rules 6 Remember this isn't about you its about them

At the end of the convo you get your turn to talk.

Explain how you were losing yourself.  That you focused on raising them if that's the case.  This was something that was killing you. That you apologize if you lashed out at them in anyway during that time of turmoil.  (Only talk about how you were made to feel)  That daddy needs someone that's ok with that type of life. remember no bad talking)

Tell the kids you don't expect for them to understand and that's not what the talk is for.  It's just for them to have your side so that they never have to wonder.  It's not their job to put on your shoes but you would like for them to try to understand where you have walked.

Good Luck

and God Bless my dear

Answer 17

Separation and divorce can be devastating but there are things you can do to support and comfort your child. There are also things you may unwittingly do that can make coping with separation and divorce harder for your child --now and in future relationships.

Learn how to help your child cope with the negative short and long term effects of separation and divorce, as well as ways to help prevent trauma and decrease hardship. Challenges that are confronted effectively can improve relationships and strengthen your child’s ability to cope.

In This Article:

Reducing traumatic effects of divorce on children

Take care of yourself so you can help your child cope

Talking with children about separation and divorce

Helping your Children Cope with Divorce

Warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety

Additional support for your child after separation or divorce

Related links for Coping with Divorce

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Reducing traumatic effects of divorce on children

Many children go through their parents’ divorce with relatively few problems or permanent negative effects. However, for other children, the effects of divorce can be traumatic and long-lived. Changes in a child’s living arrangements, time with parents, education and lifestyle can trigger the body’s fight-or-flight response – anger or fear. But when a child cannot adequately express or mentally process those emotions, the child may feel extremely powerless and “freeze.” This reaction is the basis of traumatic stress.

Trauma is determined by the child’s experience of the event, not simply the event itself. Different children in the same family may have a dramatically different emotional reaction to the numerous changes related to divorce. Your attitude shapes your children's attitude. Your words and actions can either expose your children to unnecessary emotional pain or help them develop in positive ways.

Trauma may cause depression and anxiety at the time of the separation or years after the divorce. It may also reoccur during weekends, holidays, birthdays or times when the child misses the complete family unit.

Steps to reduce traumatic effects of a divorce on your children

Be honest about the potential for emotional trauma on each of your kids. Some children respond to adversity  by withdrawing emotionally or freezing. These quiet children may be more upset, and in greater need of help, than children whose emotional upset  is obvious.    

Allow your children to communicate openly. Encourage them to describe their feelings and express the sadness, fear and anger they may be experiencing. This gives you an opportunity  to provide comfort and reassure them that they will be loved and continue to be cared for and safe.

Offer your children choices, whenever possible, to increase their sense of power over their lives. These can include food choices, clothing choices and other choices that don’t disrupt your routines or endanger their well-being.    

Find support for yourself and your children. It takes a village to get things right. Reach out and ask for help from friends, family members, religious and secular support groups, counselors and therapists.    

Provide continuity. Children need the sense of continuity provided by a certain amount of structure such as dependable meal and bed times, leisure and work times.  

Don’t expose your kids to marital conflict

Do not argue with your spouse in front of your children or on the phone.

Refrain from talking with your children about details of your spouse’s negative behavior.

Develop an amicable relationship with your spouse, as soon as possible, and be polite in your interactions.

Choose to focus on the strengths of all the family members.

Take care of yourself so you can help your child cope

When you are on an airplane the first safety instruction for an airplane emergency is to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child. You will either be reassuring or distressing to your child, depending on your physical and emotional state. If you are able to be calm and emotionally present with your child he or she will feel reassured and comforted.

If you are feeling intense anger, fear, grief, shame or guilt about your spouse, find someone to help you work through those feelings. Also, try journaling – but don’t let your children “accidentally find” your notes. By processing your emotions through writing or talking with supportive people, you will be modeling ways for your kids to better cope with their strong emotions.

Steps to take care of yourself

Avoid isolating yourself from people.

Build your support group. Old friends may become casualties in divorce battles.

Take care of your health and your children’s health.

Provide and eat a balanced diet.

Exercise and play to relieve stress.

Pray, meditate or practice the relaxation response.

Talking with children about separation and divorce

When talking with your children about separation or divorce, it is important to be honest, but not critical of your spouse. Most children want to know why their lives are being upset. Depending on the age of your children and reason for divorce, this may require some diplomacy. As children mature, they will probably want more information.  

Here are a few suggestions:

Make plans to talk with your children before any changes in the living arrangements occur.

Plan to talk when your spouse is present, if possible.

Remind your children of your love.

Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation.

Tell them that your marriage problems are not their fault. Let them know they are not responsible for fixing them.

Tell them about changes in living arrangements, school or activities. Let them know when they will happen. But do not overwhelm kids with details.

Be emotionally available to comfort them. Even if there has been much conflict in the home, children may deeply experience the loss of the leaving parent, or the loss of hope for reconciliation.

Misunderstandings kids have

Many kids believe that they had something to do with the divorce. They may remember times when they argued with their parents, received poor grades, or got in trouble. They may associate that conflict with their parents’ conflict and blame themselves. Also, some children may worry that their parents will stop loving them, or that they will never see one of their parents. Sometimes young children do not understand the meaning and permanence of divorce.

Treat your child’s confusion or misunderstandings with patience. Reassure your children that both parents will continue to love them and that they are not responsible for the divorce. Gently clarify any misunderstandings about the custody arrangements.

Understanding your children’s reactions to divorce

Most parents are dealing with their own feelings of doubt, grief, shame, fear, anger, or relief. Parents may think that because they have these feelings their children also have them—which may not be the case. Your children have different relationships, experiences and needs, and their feelings toward the other parent may be very different than yours. However, in some cases when there has been much conflict in the home, the children may even pretend to share their parents’ feelings.

Also, if your own parents were divorced and you are divorcing your spouse, your feelings may be more intense and complex. This may distort, amplify, or minimize your perception of what your children are experiencing. If this is the case, discuss your feelings with supportive individuals who will help you put them in perspective.

Helping your Children Cope with Divorce

Challenging times are also times to learn new behaviors that can strengthen us. The loss that divorce poses for children will elicit strong emotions. How you help your child cope with these emotions can be an opportunity as well as a challenge. Your child can learn emotional coping skills that will serve him or her well in future challenges.    

Coping with anger

Rage, resentment and anger in all its subtle forms can be particularly hard to deal with when it’s coming from your children. At some point, they will probably express their anger with you and your spouse for destroying their sense of normalcy. This is an appropriate response to their loss. Although it may seem difficult, you can help your children through this:

Give them opportunities to express their anger openly and without judgment.

Listen to your children. Try not to react to their anger with displays of your own anger or by taking it personally.

Resist the urge to fix situations that are not fixable.

Coping with shock and traumatic stress

Even if there have been tension and problems in the home, some children will be shocked to learn that their parents are getting a divorce. It may take some time for them to acknowledge and accept that their lives will be different now. To help your children cope with shock and stress, you can:

Be patient with them.

Express your love for them.

Ease into the new routines and living situations, if possible.

Coping with anxiety

It is natural for children to feel anxious when faced with numerous changes and unknown factors in their lives. They may worry endlessly about minor and major situations in their lives. Problems with eating and sleeping may occur. To help your children cope with anxiety, you can:

Listen patiently as they express their fears and worries, even if they repeat them over and over again.

Respond honestly and supportively to their concerns. If their worries are well founded and may occur, acknowledge that fact as gently as possible.

Provide as much stability, security and consistency as possible. An anxious child often appreciates a consistent routine, seeing familiar people and going to regularly visited places.  

Provide choices for children whenever possible. This will help to re-establish a sense of control over their lives.

Prolonged anxiety can create additional problems and is sometimes associated with depression. Seek professional help. Short-term cognitive behavior therapy can be very helpful for many children.

Coping with depression

Sadness about the family’s new situation is normal and appropriate. But sadness coupled with a sense of hopelessness and helplessness is likely to become depression. Sometimes depression is referred to as anger turned inward. When children feel depressed they may withdraw from their parents or loved ones. They may neglect their homework, dissociate from friends and discontinue activities that once brought them pleasure. Their eating habits may change dramatically or they may engage in some form of self-destructive behavior. Additionally, depression in children often appears as agitation or acting out.  

To help your children cope with depression:

Encourage them to express their sadness as well as their anger with you, a favorite relative, or another responsible adult with whom they feel safe.

Reassure them that these feelings will decrease over time and help them notice times when they seem to be feeling better. Let them know that it is OK to feel better and to move forward, even though their life circumstances are different.

Promote physical activity.

Seek professional help. Short-term cognitive behavioral therapy helps many children deal with depression and correct false perceptions about themselves and life.  

Warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety

Watch for these warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety, and seriously consider obtaining professional help for your child

Changes in your Childs Emotional Responses

Loss of spontaneity: Normally playful children may become moody

Low self-esteem: Feelings of worthlessness, comments about being stupid or unimportant

Excessive sadness or moodiness: Prolonged withdrawal from people or moodiness, disinterest in favorite activities

Irrational fears or clinginess: Fear or avoidance of normally safe people, places and things; intense crying and separation anxiety when leaving family members or friends

Inappropriate anger: Excessive frustration, frequent angry outbursts, fights with schoolmates or siblings, yelling at parents

Changes in your Childs Behavior

Poor self-care: Poor grooming, excessive disorder in a formerly neat child’s room

Sleep problems: Unwillingness to go to bed, difficulty falling asleep, waking up in the middle of the night, nightmares, reoccurring bedwetting, refusal to wake up or go to school

Poor concentration: Chronic forgetfulness, missed homework assignments, or decline in grades for an extended period

Drug or alcohol abuse: Experimenting with tobacco, medications, household substances, drugs, or alcohol

Sexual promiscuity: Engaging in sexual activity that ultimately threatens to damage your child’s emotional or physical health

Self-injury, cutting: Finding relief from emotional pain by inflicting physical pain, or taking excessive physical risks that result in injury

Suicide: Talk of killing oneself, making plans to end one’s life, suicide attempts. Immediately contact a suicide prevention organization or a mental health organization in your area.

Additional support for your child after separation or divorce

Children need people with whom they can comfortably express their negative emotions.

Some kids may avoid talking to their parents because they don’t want to hurt them or because they feel guilty adding to their problems. Others may feel intense anger and emotionally separate themselves from their parents, closing the door to communication. In these and other cases, children may benefit from having other people to talk to.

Kids also need skills to manage stress and coping with situations over which they have no control. Problem solving skills can help kids adjust to the issues of divorced families. Additional skills and support may come from:

Relatives. Sometimes aunts, uncles or grandparents may provide a familiar environment where kids can share their deeper feelings. When parents do not want their children to visit the ex-spouse’s relatives, it may help to honestly question if that decision is in the best interest of the child.

Family friends. Visits or outings with family friends may also be helpful for kids who need help adapting to a divorce.

Teachers. Educators should be informed when parents are separating or divorcing. They can provide valuable support during the many hours your child is in school. It also helps them understand your child’s behavior and prevent problems with classmates and grades.

School counselors. In some schools, counselors may provide services for a limited time.

Faith-based counseling. Some religious organizations provide support for families that are going through a divorce or dealing with the effects of a divorce.

Trained mental health professionals. A child or family therapist can help children express and work out their complicated emotions in a safe environment, and can help normalize and stabilize the child’s situation. Some therapists may also conduct counseling groups for children, which helps decrease the sense of aloneness in this new life problem.

To Learn More...

Coping with a Divorce or Relationship Breakup – Tips for dealing with the Grief

Co-parenting after a Separation or Divorce - Build a cooperative relationship with your Ex Emotional Trauma: Causes, Symptoms, Effects and Treatment

Parenting and Attachment – Bonding for secure attachment

Relationship Help - Building great relationships with emotional intelligence



Helping Your Child Through a Divorce – Includes information on coping with divorce, how to tell a child, different reactions according to child’s age, adjusting to living arrangements, and dealing with the aftermath of divorce. See also Tips for Divorcing Parents for other suggestions about communicating with your child after a split. (Nemours Foundation)

Helping Children Understand Divorce – Provides tips for talking with children about coping with divorce and helps parents understand children's thoughts and feelings about divorce. Lists books (including some for very young children) and other resources to help families cope with divorce issues. There are also links to two articles for helping children, one addressing the needs of infants and toddlers, and the other on activities for children (art, letter writing, etc.). (University of Missouri)

Helping Children Adjust to Divorce: A Guide for Teachers also provides helpful tips for coping and guiding children through the transition time after a divorce. (University of Missouri)

For children and adolescents

Children of Divorce – Provides numerous links for children and parents and includes sections on art activities, books, how to talk to parents, what to do with anger, coping with parental arguments, and other similar topics to help children feel less alone and more capable of handling divorce. (Commercial site) (Kids’ Turn Central)

A Kid’s Guide to Divorce – Answers children’s most common concerns and questions about divorce and offers suggestions for handling feelings. (Nemours Foundation)

Dealing with Divorce – An article for teens that discusses ways to cope with their feelings about their parents’ divorce, how to talk with parents about concerns, suggests self-care and future planning. (Nemours Foundation)

How to Cope When Your Parents are Splitting Up – A site for children that includes advice about coping with divorce or separation. (ItsNotYourFault.org, National Children’s Home (NCH))

Children and separation: A guide for parents and others

This guide offers ways you can help children during separation as well as suggestions about making arrangements for the children. Australia

Divorce as trauma

Principles of Working with Traumatized Children – This article is by Dr. Bruce Perry, an internationally recognized expert on children and trauma, provides profiles of children who experience trauma and lists guidelines for communication following a traumatic event. Discusses trauma in general, rather than the trauma of divorce specifically, but helpful nonetheless. (Dr. Bruce Perry, Scholastic.com)

Overcoming Divorce Trauma – Discusses the damage that can occur in a divorce and suggests ways to prevent divorce trauma. Includes both book and film suggestions for helping parents and children understand and cope with divorce. (Kristina Diener, Psy.D.)

Rosemary Clandos,  Gina Kemp, M.A., Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.  contributed to this article. Last modified on 9/28/07 .