How do I approach my step-daughter?

Question

I am engaged and my fiancee has 3 children. We've been seeing each other for over a year, and been engaged for about 4 months. I consider myself the kid's step-dad. About 3 weeks ago I walked upstairs to find the oldest daughter (14) "fooling around" with her boyfriend. I had no idea what to say or do. Her mom broke it up. I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to her about what she was doing. She's way too young to have a boyfriend, let alone doing what they were doing. I want her to be comfortable enough to come to me for anything. Do I approach her about it? Do I let it go and trust that she will make a better decision in the future? What would I say? It's a lot tougher being a step-dad than I thought.

Answer 1

Her mom def needs to be the one to deal with these issues.  You will weird her out for sure.  

Answer 2

Take her out by herself to go to an icecream place and just clamly talk to her about it

Best Of Luck...=]

Answer 3

Honestly, I know your intent is good but you should let her mom handle this and just act like nothing happened.  

Answer 4

What exactly do you mean by fooling around? Kissing, touching? She's 14 she's going to have boyfriends, she's not too young to have a boyfriend. Leave the situation alone, as I'm sure her mom handled it and that is the type of thing that's a girl to girl talk not exactly a step- father to daughter thing. I'm sure she's embarassed enough as it is so just leave it alone.

Answer 5

First and foremost, you must keep in mind that you are the adult in the situation. You should have confidence in your ability to teach your sense of morality to your step-daughter. You must take her to the side and confidently tell her exactly what you want her to know, i.e. why it is inappropriate for her to behave in that fashion. Tell her the potential consequences of the bad behavior; if you don't inform her of the bad things in this world, she will find someone else to teach her life's lessons. I think you'd be wise to take on that responsibility; at least then you know where her information is coming from.

Answer 6

for now, let your fiance do the job. She is her mother, anyways. Until you two are married and your step-daughter has gotten to know you and has accepted you as a step-father, don't take over as parent.

If you just 'barge' into her social life, this will be a very hard task to accomplish, seeing that you are dealing with a teen girl.

good luck!

Answer 7

i wouldnt talk 2 her about it, if u did i could amagine it would be really embarassing for her + she might try 2 avoid u 4 a while 2, i would let ur fiancee deal w/ things like that till u acctually get married

Answer 8

As a step-dad of someone over the age of three, you're going to have to leave the discipline and heavy stuff to your wife.  That said, you do have an important role in the life of this teen.  She may say, "Yes", to a lot of s*x in her life as she searches for the love that has been missing.  Yes,she's had her mom, but not a male role model.  Tread slowly and carefully and you may be able to show her she has worth and deserves to be treated better than she is treating herself.

Good luck - and don't push it.  :)

Answer 9

well u know what? i dont blame her. we teenagers are not allowed to have s*x, so all we can do is m********e.LET HER DO IT.

Answer 10

If you don't have any children of your own or have never helped raise siblings then jumping into a parenting role with 3 children of varying ages will be quite a challenge. Parenting is difficult enough when the kids are biologically yours. It sounds like you have the right idea, though, about talking to to her about it. I think that is the right thing to do, even though the mom broke it up. You also have to assert yourself as a LOVING parent. Tell her exactly what you said here. Its also very important to be as real as possible when talking to teenagers, especially about what is acceptable behavior and unacceptable behavior in your home.

In addition, since she is sexually active, you should talk to her about birth control, sexually transmitted diseases, and how she can protect herself from both. Mom will have to take her to the gynecologist, and you and mom need to brush up on  your s*x ed so you can have a well thought out, educated discussion about s*x and responsibility. She needs to know how to chart her "fertile" periods, ie when she is most likely to get pregnant. s*x is for mature, responsible adults, explain to her the reason why. But the bottom line is she's already there so roll with it. Dont pretend she's too young for this or that. Its called being a teenager. Teach her responsibility, lay down your rules, be realistic and hope for the best. Welcome to parenthood.

Answer 11

Don't find yourself obliged to talk about it to her, she'll probably be embarrassed. It is really young but these days kids are starting earlier and earlier. I believe you should leave it up to your partner to guide them in their future, its good you want to let her know your there. i know i'd probably freak out if my dad started talking me about my s*x life let alone my step dad thought. Maybe try sticking up for her if ever she's arguing with her mum but make sure its like something fair like not going against your partner just say for example, hey maybe its ok if she goes to this party as long as she's home by this time.

But there's fat luck she'll just be wanting to talk about stuff cos teenagers just don't tend to do that with parents.

Answer 12

you have to act supercool!

control that fatherly instinct!!! - it will destroy your relationship with her if you act on it.

she will come to you at some point (it will take some time, but les time if you're cool and ok to talk to) and at that time you can SOFTLY but firmly state some of your opinions.

it'll be a daaaamn shame to spoil your relationship with the whole family by stepping in now, to place you are not welcome.

Answer 13

Ok, The problem is, She might take it the wrong way, My sister is the same age and her step dad (I dont consider him mine because I dont like him!) wont let her even go to a movie with a guy, Let alone have one over. In my opinion I think you should talk to your fiance, Tell her that she should talk to her daughter about s*x, Possibly birth control, And not to put her on birth control to give her permission to have s*x, But to prevent her from having a baby at such a young age. Because if she wants to have s*x, She's going to, No matter what anyone thinks. And I totally agree with you that she's too young. I was 15 when I got pregnant, And my mom was too. Its very hard. But I think its her Moms job to tell her, Since she's a female maybe it will be a bit easier ya know? Just be content about it, And let your fiance know that she should have a talk with her. Good luck! Email me anytime if you'd like to talk :]

Answer 14

well as awkward a conversation as it might be i think you should really say something to her.

if you want to act like a real father toward her then you need to confront her ( i no my dad would never let that go....)

she may not listen or get mad but that is a parents job. its also important to establish that your going to act like a parent around her. dont let her think she can get away with w/e when your around

Answer 15

you dont do anything..

because if you do all she will say is "youre not my dad" and she will cry to her mom saying she doesnt like you yadda yadda

you have to stand back

let her mom do what she needs to do..dont get involved unless you want her to hate you.

but at the same time..show her you have an open mind..so that way she will come to talk to you