How do I approach these Red Flags?

Question

Some back ground info:

I am a divorcee who has told myself I wouldn't allow myself to be with someone who didn't try to make himself attractive for me...I'm not saying he needs to be GQ but take care of your personal hygiene and don't get comfy and fatten up. And I am not going to be with someone who is a "slacker".

Here is the situation:

I have moved away from my family about 200 miles and moved in with my boyfriend and his teenage son. (I don't have any kids by the way).

1. I run his son to and from work and try to have a positive relationship with him...which we do, but I don’t feel I am appreciated enough and now it has almost become expected, nobody asks "will you please take him to football practice" ( or whatever the situation is) and I don’t get thank you anymore either.

2. My boyfriend and I pay rent split down the middle. This last month he has been 19 days late in paying me his share (I write the landlord the check because I want to make sure she gets paid). He paid me yesterday for August 1st rent and said he was sorry it was so late and that it will never happen again.

3. He always talks about getting things fixed or doing a chore around the house, but it never gets done unless I jump on his case or do it myself (like fix the kitchen floor tiles that move around or clean the garage out, etc...This list could go on and on). I don’t mind doing these chores myself but if he says he'll take care of it I don’t think I should have to worry about it not getting done. Don’t tell me you are going to do something and then not do it.

4. Here is the kicker...when I was with my ex husband I gained a bunch of weight. I have lost some of it but not all of it by any means and I know I should work on losing more. But my new boyfriend has probably 100 lbs more on me. The other day he said to me "I’m just going to say this...you should work on toning up your legs" I was in such shock that this over weight man had the nerve to say this. I couldn’t say anything...I wanted to cry and my lip started to quiver. He knows he hurt my feelings and tried to say that he just meant that I should try to work on it now while I’m young (he's 11 yrs older) because it’s easier to lose weight when you are younger. To me he's saying "tone up chubby so I will be more attracted to you". Is that what he means? But I have been working out now and lost weight and people have noticed…you think he has said anything…heck no. And in the mean time I’ve noticed his T-Shirts getting tighter and tighter.

5. Although this doesn’t affect me a whole lot it does concern me. He has debts probably totaling up to $20,000 that for as long as we've been together he hasn’t touched or even tried to fix. We aren’t planning on getting married...and I especially don’t want any responsibility to his debts...My ex was in debt and had collectors calling and harassing me. I am not going to deal with that again. My bf knows this too that I will NEVER marry him unless he gets his money figured out.

6. He wants to get another job where he isn’t working so many hours but he hasn’t really made much of an effort. He’s not real computer literate so I helped him with his resume and printed off a bunch of applications for him and told him he needed to fill them out (I wasn’t going to do ALL of the work for him…but I’d help). He never filled out the applications and they just sat there for a few months. I threw them away last night thinking the positions he was to apply for were filled anyway. Now he has asked me to look up certificates and classes to get certifications. I want to say to him, Look them up yourself!

But now all of these issues have made me cranky and made me think he is becoming a slacker. I am not a nag and I don’t think I should have to tell him to be responsible. I’m not his mother and I am not his wife and he should be working to impress me shouldn’t he? He does work long days and fills my car up with gas once in a while but I don’t think that quite justifies everything else. Am I over reacting or maybe I am just panicking because of my ex-husband. What do you think? What would you say to him or what would you do?

Thanks for reading my novel.

Answer 1

The problem is you. You expect perfection and you're far from it. You left your fat and slack husband for a fat and slack boyfriend. You should  have stayed with your husband. You seem like you're afraid to be alone. You mine as well get your own place. You're doing almost everything at your boyfriend's place and you're not happy. Get your own and focus on making yourself happy. Clearly you're not happy.

Answer 2

Tell him what you told us.  Tell him you are seeing things in your relationship that are starting to upset you.  Tell him that you are afraid that these things are going to cause resentment (because they will).  This resentment is going to start to gnaw away at your relationship and since you care about him - you would rather get this out in the open and try to fix it.  Tell him what is bothering you.  Is he the type that will discuss?  Because if he is not - then don't be surprised if things don't get fixed.  You (like many other women, including myself) - see all of these"red flags"  and yet we choose to ignore them.  We deserve a man that treats us the way we want to be treated.  He sounds way too comfortable.  You sound like a giver and he sounds like a taker.  try to talk to him - but don't ever sell yourself short.  I hope it works for you.  

Answer 3

Shape up or ship out.

See how I did that? Straight to the point. I really didn't need to know your bf was 19 days late with the rent, among other things.

Answer 4

hmmmmmmmmmmm....a fatazz that is 20K in debt.

Sounds like a winner!

Answer 5

Sounds like you are not happy with him at all. You want a lot from him and he not giving you what you want when you want it. You would be happier alone. Move back to your family and leave him behind. Live your best life. This doesn't sound like it.

1) Don't expect a thank you for acting like a mom. You are not a guest in the house. You are the mom in action whether you like it or not. Mom's rarely get thanked. Get used to it.

2)Talk to him about the rent. If he can't pay ontime then get out. If you are a partnership then it is your money together and it shouldn't matter when you get "your" money as long as he gets it to you.

3)Men love to talk about chores but never do them. The only time my husband fixes stuff is when we are about to have a party. Get used to it.

4) You are too senstative about your body. Men can never comment about anything without it being taken as a "you're too fat" comment. Get over it and tell him to do the same. Don't let words hurt you so much. Work out if you want or don't.

5) He has horrible credit and will never fix it. Stop waiting. It is clearly not a priority to him. If it is for you then get out.

6) He is trying. Help him if you want. Sounds like you are out of patience with him.

From my heart I say leave. You will be much happier when you don't have to "deal" with him as your burden.  

Answer 6

I think you should address all these problems with him by having a long talk and asking him what he's willing to do to change.  Personally I would never marry him either unless he changed his ways on the housecleaning, taking care of himself and taking care of his debts.  He doesn't sound any worse than most of them are really, except on the money part.  I wouldn't put up with that very long at all because if you do he'll start wanting to mooch all the time.  I've always been told a man should work, if he does not work, he should not eat.  Really sounds like he is comfortable in the relationship, he likes all you do for him and now he's lying back and reaping the benefits so to speak.  I'd give him a while to change, a month or so, and let him know your not going to put up with it all much longer.  If he doesn't start making some effort soon maybe you should re-evaluate your decision to be with him.        

Answer 7

You say what you don't like about him, but the glaring omission is that you never say why you decided to move in with someone who you are planning not to marry.  Here's a tip for you: when you realize that you feel contempt for your boyfriend, it's time to make him your ex-bf.

Answer 8

Your BF has a great deal--a room mate who also gives him s*x and plays nanny for his kid, and acts as personal secretary.  

What you are doing is very stupid, for you and the kid.  You are teaching his son that a man doesn't have to make a commitment to a woman to get her to sleep with him and pay half his rent.  Believe me, he will do exactly the same things he sees his father doing.

Move out and move away.  And next time, show some respect for yourself and find someone who wants to make a commitment.  Of course he hasn't done anything for you lately, why should he?  He treated you like a goddess until he got you right where he wanted you and you started acting like trash.

Answer 9

i don't know what i would do...if i were him!  do you always keep tabs like this?  geesh!  i felt like i was reading an email sent to me from my kindergartner's teacher about my kid's bad behavior.

you seem very selfish and self-centered (not being mean here, just judging by the way your question is written).  this man is obviously NOT what you want.  

poor you - you moved 200 miles away to be with a man you can barely even stand!  why not just pack up your perfect little suitcase with your perfect little things and go back to your perfect little world where mr. perfect exists?

Answer 10

the first 3 flags are enough to consider leaving his ***, numbers 6 and 5 are enough to start packing and number 4 is the kicker!

Obviously he doesn't respect himself enough to respect you. He is not concerned about priorities, he has the "when I feel like it" attitude.

W/O being close to any of your family/friends your in an even tougher situation. The longer you stay-the longer you'll be misserable.  

Answer 11

You sound like your very much put together... Why are you even wasting your time with this lazy man?

I think you should move back with your family and let him figure out his own life.

Answer 12

You deserve better.  Love is love, but when the problems overwhelm that feeling, it's time to get out.   But what do I know, I'm waiting for a trust fund.

Answer 13

You remind me a little bit of myself.  So here's my take:

You're extremely self sufficient and you tend to take charge even when you haven't been asked.  You believe that the only person who can do things right is you.  I'm not criticizing because you might just be right.  You are not so much a nag but you ARE critical.

When one person is very strong & the other is a little more laid back then the detail oriented chores will always start falling on the stronger person because we're simply better at it.  Basically you set yourself up for this.  Whether you realize it or not you do give off the vibe that you're smarter & better so nothing others do will meet your standards anyway.

A few things you said really scream control freak.  You pay the rent because he would probably just s***w it up.  You have to jump on him because he's not doing what he says, he's fat & you still have weight to lose but you're better at that too because you're not AS fat, he's not computer literate so you HAD to take over.  That's not true.  You CHOSE to take over because you can't stand incompetence & ONCE AGAIN if you want something done right you have to do it yourself.

You have given him the impression that you need to do everything yourself.  That's why you don't get many thank you's anymore.  You say you don't want to be treated like you're his mother but you're kinda acting like you are.  You see what I mean?

Answer 14

You already know the answer. Thank god you didn't marry this guy. It is a whole lot easier to leave.

Answer 15

So you really don't like much of anything about him. And, while you hate the stuff you ex did, you hooked up with someone pretty much like him. It's common. Messed up, but common. And you're right. He does know you won't marry his debt, but you will shack up with his debt, which works out pretty well for him, since it makes it easier for him to avoid it. Of course, he figures he has to put up with your pudge, but that's the price of getting laid AND getting a break on rent. Guess you didn't put enough effort into choosing partners. Slacker.  

Answer 16

It does not sound like your overreacting. He totally sounds like a slacker. But I can understand wanting to figure it out, I could write a book on my bf. I dont think it will get any better for you. If thats his nature then hes stuck like that. You really cant change anyones behavior.  

Answer 17

your concerns are very valid.  What DO you like about him?  If you can't balance this equation then there's no hope for this relationship.  It's a shame he can't sit down and read this blog.  It would maybe open his eyes and make him learn to appreciate you more.

Answer 18

unfortunately, i have to agree with the others.  if you're living with him, you may as well be married.  He's going to get comfortable in that scenario.  He isn't very motivated, might be time to move back with your mom and the puppy.

Answer 19

I don't know this sounds so familiar and I have heard the same things so many times. Are you me using a different avatar?  Are you my middle sister ? Haha.  

One of the biggest things I get in trouble with is when someone is who they are (say a screaming maniac) but by rights I don't think they should be a screaming maniac  so I do stuff and expect them not to respond as the screaming maniac that they are .  I expect them to respond how I want them to.  So my expectations of other people get me into trouble.

A screaming maniac can tell me he is not going to be one any more, or deny haha he ever was but he is still one.

There are some good points to S.M. though, really excellent attributes.  So I have to drop my expectations and say ok he will be a screaming maniac period. He is a screaming maniac not because he doesn't love me . I accept that this is what he is.  Because of these other excellent things about him I have the choice can I live and be kinda happy with this screaming maniac with some excellent attributes or can I not.  For me it was h**l yeah. The second time not the first haha.  So when my husband tells me he is going to hang a picture, take out the garbage, I know that yes he says that but he doesn't always do what he says. So if I EXPECT it I am the one that is dense.  I have to work out ways to be ok with it and not be shocked and betrayed  at him being what he is.  But I have to not play the martyr which is a very strong temptation .  If I get into the whirl of housecleaningfamilymanagingkiddrivinggar... and then whip my neck at him and say  see what you made me do you b---.  It doesn't work for me.  I have to be true to myself, what I want , need and love and get it for myself.  Which sometimes means saying no or knock it off.  So yeah.  Figuring out when to do what.  So when you talk to him make sure you wean a little out, pick whats most important and watch your asspectations.  Typo haha.  I wish you serenity

Answer 20

I would say "toodleoo" to his big butt.

You can do better.  Seriously.

He's a lazy bum.  

Answer 21

You are not his wife or mother but you are giving out the poon.

To men, same deal they can still manage to walk all over you.

You got a real prize there sweetie.  This is exactly why I would never transplant my life for a man.

Answer 22

Please Please do NOT marry this man. He is immature and selfish. I am there myself, however I am married with children and it's a lot harder that way.

Once you get married, it will be even worse. You deserve better than this, regardless of if you have to lose some weight or not. You will find someone better than that. Find someone active who you can go for walks and tone up your legs with. I'm telling you, once he has you by marriage, the $20,000 debt WILL be yours if you ever want anything in life (house, new car, etc) you wont get it til thats taken care of.

Please leave now while you can. Keep in contact with him and if he changes, go back, until then, do you and make yourself a better person. Time is not an issue, it's an illusion, you have all the time in the world to get what you want. Dont go into something as serious as marriage when you're not even happy and have the ability to walk away without lawyers and money.

The late rent, it will happen again, trust me.  

Answer 23

Experience has made you leary, and probably for good reason. Sounds like you are very observant and I can tell you dont appreciate giving more and receiving less. I'm with you on this. And #4, youre right, it is the kicker!

At the first part of your story I was thinking you might be too picky, but as I read on, I started to relate to these problems as i had moved in with a complete loser two years ago with the same kind of problems. Late on bills, bad credit, owes money, critical of me when he acts holier-than-thou.

I would tell him just like you told us, you have some red flags, you arent about to settle for anything, and you arent about to commit the rest of your life to someone that is iffy on this many areas of your relationship.

I would be VERY firm when explaining my concerns, too, because in my experience, you cant be too nice and expect people to take you seriously.

You are right, you arent this man's mother, you shouldnt have to be on him about every little thing, and he shouldnt be telling you to tone your legs without being willing to tone up his flab right along with you.

I'm with you, girl, good luck and remember to never settle.