How do I assert myself in this situation?

Question

I have a roommate who brought home a guy the other night. I've been through a lot in my life, and I'm not the kind of girl who brings home guys, or really trusts men at all, period. To top it off, I'm an alcoholic in recovery, and when I got home last night, there was half a bottle of whiskey sitting on my table, and buddy is drunk. I left the house rather than risk myself. I've had other issues with this roommate, and I would really like to be able to tell her how I feel about all of this, but I am not a very assertive person. I don't know how to start the conversation at all, and my natural inclination is to let it go, to avoid confrontation. How do I deal with this????

Answer 1

You are placing yourself in danger by living with her.

If you have a prediction too booze, it doesn't help if she brings drunks and booze home.

Try asking on line for someone that better meets your needs ands and corresponds  to your life style.

Answer 2

People who are "wimpy" in confrontation are, in my experience, non-productive.  Sit her down. . . .AND SQUARELY TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL.  You're entitled to your feelings, you know.  SCR*W WHAT SHE THINKS !!!!  

I'm usually the one my friends come to when they're too wimpy to "handle" a situation.  I'm brazen.  I DON'T give a sh*t if I'm hurting some A$$HOLE'S feelings; only nice, good people.  If they're an a$$hole . . . .they're going to HEAR IT !!!!!!!!!!   AND THEY'RE GOING TO HEAR IT BIG TIME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!   ALL THE WAY DOWN THE STREET. . . .IF NECESSARY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I've even had the cops called on me before for confronting someone.  When they've showed-up. . . .the COPS HAVE BEEN ON MY SIDE !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get a BACKBONE, ALREADY !!!!!!!!!!!   HANDLE IT !!!!!

Answer 3

Do not throw any blame on your roommate or the conversation won't go very far.  Tell her about your own struggles and what was triggered in you when you got home.  Open up a dialogue with this person you live with because "home" is an important place and if there isn't any communication happening it won't feel like "home."

Remember, the problem isn't necessarily hers, its yours: be sure not to flip it.  Men and alcohol aren't evil by nature!!! You will have to come to terms with your issues.  With lots of love, good luck with everything.

Answer 4

When communicating difficult information it is often recommended to use the "sandwich" technique, whereby you soften the blow a little by "sandwiching" the negative between two positives.  

Maybe start out with something like, (in your own words, of course):

I really enjoy your company and having you as a roommate and would really like to continue this arrangement.

However, I was very uncomfortable when I came home last night to find a strange man here and alcohol sitting out in the open.

I think that our home should be a place where we can both feel comfortable and safe at all times.  

I'd really appreciate it if there were no more overnight male visitors and we limited visitors to certain times.  For example, not after 11pm on weeknights or 1am on weekends.  

As I said, I enjoy your company and having you as a roommate and I'd really like to continue the living arrangements.

Answer 5

Use your steps to work this through.  First and foremost you know you have to separate yourself from anyone or anything that could possibly cause a relapse....you did the right thing by leaving (yay you!!)...however, this is your home.  You have to guard your recovery with everything you have, and part of that is being more assertive in dealing with your roomate.  It's not necessary to even raise your voice with her...just calmly tell her "You know my situation, and I can't jeopardize my recovery, so I'm going to have to ask that what happned last night never happen again"  Tell her "If you can accept that, then we'll have to start making arrangements to find other places to live etc....I hate that I have to do this, but I just can't take this chance".  If she doesn't understand or accept this, then hard as it might be you know you have to start making those arrangements immediately.  In the meantime, vent all this to your sponsor....and share at meetings, it helps (as you already know).  Take a deep breath and just do it......if you managed to stay clean you know this isn't going to be something you can't do...afterall, you're worth it right?  Yep! :)

Answer 6

If your friend is not involved in recovery, and you are, it speaks for itself. You need to go separate ways. I think you already know this, you just don't know how to go about telling her. I think the best way is the KISS method! You should be familiar with it (Keep It Simple Sweetie... my interpretation). In as few words as necessary, tell her point blank what the problem is, and what needs to be done. It doesn't have to be confrontational, or a long, drawn-out, difficult task. As simply as you have told us here, tell her. I'm sure she'll understand! After all, she was right there with you in the recovery process in the beginning, right? She knows what she's doing is wrong! She needs to be told, and there's no one better than you to tell her. Maybe it will even help turn her back around. If not, stick to your guns and get away from her! You know how crucial your sobriety is! Don't let anyone get in the way of that! Stick with it... and Congratulations, by the way!!! "Justlooking" has some very good advice! By the way, I've been there! All of the people who didn't come along into my life of sobriety are history now. There's a good reason for that! I know better than to take those kind of chances! My life means more to me than those people, who I came to realize, were never really my friends anyway. Be Strong & Just Do It!

Answer 7

The only assertion that you need is that you feel confident in your ability to know right from wrong. I think that you can talk to her as a friend would talk to any other friend. Let her know how you feel. If she is unresponsive to your needs, then its time for you to move out. Do not put yourself at risk or risk being dragged down by those around you. Everybody has limits, your future should be the most important thing to you. As you may know, only those who want to change will change. There is no point in trying to save a person from themselves until they try to save themselves as well.

Answer 8

get drunk.  (lol)  then confront her.  you'll be assertive then.