How do I break down the wall of defensiveness?

Question

I just left a 3 year marriage (5 year relationship total). My husband was very abusive in every possible way to me. I finally found the courage to stand up and leave him. It has been 4 months since our seperation, and 2 months since my new boyfriend has entered into my life. Now I know that is soon, and wrong because I am still married seeking a divorce, But He came into my life and has been an absolute angel for me! I love my boyfriend with all my heart and soul, and dont know how I could have ever thought I loved my husband. My biggest issue now is that I have this defensive barrier I put up from being with my husband and dealing with his abuse, that I now speak with my boyfriend with the same defensiveness and dont realize it at all. :-( This is just going to push him away! He loves me unconditionally, And the more I open up to him about my past, he understands more and more. Reguardless of his understanding and loving ways, I dont think he deserves any of that, and want to really break through all that! Please help! I am so afraid I will lose him!

Answer 1

I am so proud of you for leaving! Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is almost a guarantee with a situation like this. Defensiveness is the most common coping tool. I would suggest that you find a counselor who can help you to understand your behavior and help heal those old wounds so you aren't projecting.

Answer 2

Do fun things and get your mind off of that abusive stuff. You will feel better. The more you live another kind of lifestyle the better.  

Answer 3

First let me congratulate you on leaving a bas situation and meeting someone who seems to care for you.

The defensiveness you have is naturally occurring from your bad experience. It is a mechanism you came up with to help you survive an abusive situation. the problem now, is to keep a healthy skepticism (to make sure it doesn't happen again) and to be temperate in your handling of your new relationship. You were right that it was really too soon to get into another relationship, but ...who's to say this will or will not work out?

Try to find battered women's shelters in your area and ask them if they have a counseling program. These are usually low or no cost. They also have support groups for battered women which would really be helpful for you to attend.

Many survivors of abuse have symptoms of PTSD for some time. If you get help now, it could really help you build a healthy relationship with your new man...besides he will also see how much you care, by your trying your best to deal with things.

Good luck in your new life..wishing you all the best :-)

ganldoc