How do I break it to my friend that I"m not allowing my child to play with hers?

Question

Earlier I had posted this question:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ap.VTsdWZMavpKZxFgPDQDt.7hR.;_ylv=3?qid=20080715063207AAKvPl5

All answers suggest I don't let my child play with hers- which is what deep in my heart I knew, just didn't admit to myself. What's the best way to break this to her without causing hard feelings? Lie and say that my daughter is scared of him (even though she may still ask to play with the little boy-kids are so forgiving) I'm Just trying to figure out the best way to sever the childrens ties because it is doing too much harm to my daughter.

Answer 1

sometimes people just don't click with one another as this case sounds like. tell her the truth my daughter does not fell comfortable playing with your son. it is not you but your daughter who feel this way . And she is entitled to. your support for her is more important than your friendship to your friend. your daughter will live with you  for life ( in your heart as a daughter) , and your friend may move one day. Life doesn't' always give us what we want but life will give us options. But this also to teach your daughter about the difference in family and friend and how people can work out difference and how sometimes friendships can grow apart. just because we never stop growing inside. And just because we grow with different values does not mean that we are not true friends.

Answer 2

She will be mad, every mother thinks their child is great and she is not going to think this is something nice and understand where you are coming from. If she did understand her child was bad she would correct him when he cusses around others (at least) or notice he is playing to ruff with other children and stop him, especially her friend's child.

Really think about this, someone who is raising their child to be this way....do you really want to be friends with them...

Answer 3

First, you didn't say how old your child is. If you are speaking of toddlers it may be best to avoid the subject as much as possible and when you see your friend not have your child with you. Don't ever let her know that it is because of her child's behavior. You see; people are crazy when it comes to their children. You can save your friendship if you are pushed for a reason by saying your child isn't socially ready.

If your child is 4 or 5 you may have to say that her son is a bit too wild for your child and she is a bit overwhelmed. Limit the time spent and stay right with her. IF the parents are right there interacting with the children you can say " No, John, you must be careful to not hurt her." Keep your voice soft and not emotional and then your friend won't take it as criticism. Show that you care for her child and you realize that she has to stand up for herself/protect herself and that he needs to be careful.

I had this issue with my best friends children. I recall her saying that my son was 'immature' and I took offense. I shot back "no, your son is a bully". We finally talked it out and she made me feel like my son was a baby and that her son was mature and knew how to take care of himself.

Well, years have passed and her son adores me. (YOU figure that out!).

Our sons never were close and they took total different directions. I stayed in the middle of their play when I watched her son. When he misbehaved I told him that if he wanted to play ;he had to play in a nice way. My son got braver and learned to say 'NO!' in a loud voice.

I think my watching her son and teaching him the proper way to play and socialize was the best thing I could have done for both of them.

This is a very hard thing to do. It seems that our best friends have the worst behaved children !! Sad but true for me.

Answer 4

it depends is  her child notty just say that i dont feel it right for my chlid to play with urs not in a bad way

Answer 5

You need to tell her the truth. Yes the truth hurts, but she need to know  how you feel. If her son is doing harm to your daughter your friend need to know. If she is a really good friend she should undersand, and not get mad at you.

Answer 6

1) Do not call her to set up a play date.

2) If she calls you to set up a play date, suggest that you all go out to get coffee instead - that way the mommies can do something (also, it will - hopefully - prohibit her from getting too offended since it is a public place).

While at the cafe, buy her coffee/ pastry and the kids' drinks (unless, of course, you were able to leave them at home w/daddy - which is even better). Once everyone is settled down inform her that there was more of a reason than just the two of you hanging out. Continue with the fact that the last time the child was playing with your daughter, you noticed several behaviors that concerned you (list them all here). Then tell her that the reason you were concerned was because your child went through two different withdrawal stages - the first being depression (as seen when she went under the tree) and the second being anger (acting out herself). Further inform her that, while she may allow her child to behave anyway he wants, such behaviors simply aren't acceptable in your household and that - bottom line - she won't be able to play with "Little Johnny" anymore. Conclude with "I hope you understand that I'm not judging you or have a problem with you, since we are good friends. Its just that we (as in Daddy and me) don't allow any outside influences to dictate our child's behavior if that behavior will be negative.

If she can't see to reason after your calm, analytical approach to the situation, then you may want to consider a new friend altogether. As someone else mentioned, what kind of person would allow their child to behave in such fashion anyway? And if things begin to get "ugly," excuse yourself with the statement that you had hoped the two of you could come to an agreement, but since it is obvious that its not going to happen, perhaps it's best to leave things on a good note "at least we had coffee one last time." Then gather up your child (if she's with you) and leave.

But who knows? It is very possible your friend agrees with you 100%, but is at a loss as to how to control her son. To which you may see an opportunity to give some suggestions - better bonding with your friend and keeping a playmate for your daughter once the mother puts the suggestions into effect.

Answer 7

I did not read your first question, though I read it just now.  I am sorry th at happened to your daughter!

I think that your best bet would to be just tell your friend that "Jane and John do not seem to get along very well, so I do not want to set up a play date".  Hopefully that will be the easiest way to spare feelings.

Also, try finding a play group in your area.  http://groups.yahoo.com is a good place to start-type in your city and the term "SAHM" or "playgroup".  It will allow your child to make friends with other children that are hopefully more well mannered and better behaved.

There are other activities, too-perhaps story time at the library or a Mommy and Me class in gymnastics.  Then,  you can tell your friend that your daughter has already had enough social activities this week and she needs a break...

I hope this helps, and I wish you the best!

Answer 8

there's really no easy way to break the news to her without possibly losing her as a friend, or by her getting offended.

If I were in your shoes, I would of course rather give up the friend than sacrifice my daughter's behavior and influence from her child.

Is it possible you can just tell her straight up what's bothering you? Maybe you can explain to your friend that your daughter seems to react negatively after being with her son.

There's really not much balance you can have. If you want to see her, chances are it's going to be with her son and you'll have your daughter. Maybe you can see your friend at a time when the kids are in school, and try to avoid time with your friend when the kids are involved.

When her son gets a little bit older, I'm sure things will be very different too (in a better way)

Answer 9

This is such a hard situation to deal with.  You could handle it one of two ways, you could either be honest with your friend, and if she is truly your friend she will take heart to what you said and hopefully look into her own child's behavior, but most of the time mom's just get upset and defensive when it comes to their children...even though they know deep down it is true.  Just tell your friend that you are concerned about your own daughter's behavior as a result.  But realize that this will probably also affect your relationship with your friend because it will be hard for you two to get together without your children.  This may also be a great time to really help your child learn what it right and what is wrong.  Your child is going to encounter children like this her whole life and unfortunately you can't make her "quit" school because she picks up bad things from other children, and rather than "quit" your friendship, take this opportunity to teach your daughter that is not the way to act.  Does the other child use profanity in front of you or your friend?  If so, and it is your house, if your friend does nothing, you need to be the one to speak up and say to the little boy, "we do not use those words in this house", etc. and then it will also draw attention to the fact that if your friend is not going to discipline him, then you are going to say something.  As I mentioned earlier, there are two ways of handling this situation, the second would be just to distance yourself from your "playdates" without saying anything at all.  You could call your friend to come over for an adult dinner party with several other couples, or you could go out for a girls night, etc. so that you still see your friend, but your children are not involved.

Answer 10

just sit down and tell her the truth . that her child is unruling, swears and what evr else there might be . and i would bet that you are not the only one that is not permitting there child around them .