How do I break through this identity of being shy?

Question

I feel as though when I was young I subconsciously made an identity with being shy. Im older now and its hurting my social life, Im terrified of talking to people, i cant stand small talk. I know alot of girls that like me but I think Im coming off arrogant, Im actually just scared of talking to them. Anyways, is there maybe a book by a psychologist I should read? Im heading to University in a year, after I take a year off from school and I would really like to have a bigger social life in uni.

Answer 1

My answer is;

I was different. Young, I was out going. I wanted to be a cop and help people. Then, kids started making fun of me for different reasons none the least of which was size and hair color. And so into my teens and young adult life. I Never considered myself as a attractive man. I knew I wasn't ugly be any means. I had lite red hair that would bleach to gold in the summer. Big aka 6' and 190pds. in 8th grade height, finally overtook weight. But the self conciseness was instilled. I'm a Gear Head who's into motorcycles and not a Jock. Don't care about Football. Not clumsy but not graceful either. "Son of a Preacher Man" but a rebel. A guy who gets his first Lay/Wife/Divorce pregnant on his 16th Birthday.

But like you, I can't stand small talk. a little chitchat is fine, but rehashing the Same ol' turds of info is Not my idea of a good time.

So, with a person you are interested in getting to know.

Ask them questions about the things they might be interested in (music, cars, philosophy is good,) and then expand with your own feelings on these subjects. Listen to them. Ask questions designed to make a person talk and not give just yes or No answers. Listen to them. Through in things about personnal (your) experince's and see what you get.

As for a good book try;

"Everything you ever wanted to know about Phobia's, But were affraid to ask."

I forget the author as it was a long time ago that I read it.

Good luck to you.

Answer 2

this is long, but not hard to read. i have been through this. it is all a self esteem problem. social anxiety, avoidant personality, whatever. this is my story. my father is critical and m mother gets anxious over everything and is self conscious. i learned from them and have become critical myself. anyway, i have a hard time finding out who i am, and ive realized that this is because i do not accept myself and i am working on doing that. subconsciously i do this and you probably do also. you can tell when you are holding back from saying something, or maybe acting differently. dont be afraid to show all of your sides. and this sucks, but make sure you dont show a side in which everyone will be afraid to speak to you. thats not good. when you dont be yourself, you are setting yourself up to be afraid of getting close to others because they will realize you are a fraud. what really has helped me is that i have a list of everything i do out of low self esteem. such as messing up half way through explaining my opinion because really i am afraid of people thinking i dont make sense. i do this because maybe i value intelligence since i am absent minded and always seen as stupid. do you see the connection? anyway, when you look at all of these things you do and remove all the bullshit you are left with yourself and no buffer that prevents you from getting close to people. you have to accept that person in order to build on that person through life's experiences. you will be awkward and strange at first, people probably wont like you, but you have to accept that. imagine that with regards to socializing, people are here for you and you gain knowledge through them about the person you ought to become. and if people dont like you in the process, then fu*k 'em. other things i tell myself, is to tkae a chance, grow a pair, and get over it. make use of anything. if its going to a party, whatever, make it a journey. write in a journal. try doing things you want to do and see if they are your passion and the things you want, friends, girl/boyfriends, will naturally fall into place. you can do what is necessary first, and let everything follow. good luck! trust me. oh yeah, you may not like certain qualities about your self now because others do not like them, but if you allow yourself to grow those qualities may become endearing or likeable. some may not be annoying anymore to others. dont give up. note the small changes you make, they may not seem like anything, but trust me, they will be something. dont worry about things to say. if you need to be a listener for the time being, be that. give yourself a break.

Answer 3

pull up your skirt junior

Answer 4

Woooah that's painfully familiar lol

I started going to parties. Flatly it IS easier to talk to people when you are drunk, and provided you don't absolutely binge and have memory loss, the memory of talking to people and it being okay will carry through to your general life, making you less shy

Good luck!