How do I bring closure regarding my ex? (needing advice from adults)?

Question

I feel I'm in a stage where I'm not fully having "closure" when it comes to my ex. I absolutely would not return to him as it was an abusive relationship. I'm now with a really good man for 3 years and we both know we're gunna get married soon.

Now, I've already moved on and don't even feel resentment anymore for my ex. He did call me a long time ago (several times) and asked to have coffee at least and to just make peace, and that he is not asking me back. Being scared to be uncomitted to my current boyfriend I told him to never call me back again or I'll have him charged for harrassment. Since then, he never called back.

I feel particularly uncomfortable that I keep *wondering* what my ex is up to, where he is, what he's doing now etc. I feel there is no closure there, and that maybe if I just acted normal with the guy then I wouldn't think about him too much.

My boyfriend is a divorcee, and sometimes bumps into his ex and just says hi casually, and he is open to me about that. Sometimes I feel jealous that he's had his closure and I haven't gotten mine.

I'm confused because some of my friends tell me it's wrong for me to meet up or even say call to say hi to my ex cos what he did to me is different from my boyfriend's case (will not get into detail). My boyfriend also made it clear that it was my ex who ruined my life and also affected our relationship in the begining (which is true). I don't know what I should do...I will not break up with my boyfriend, I'm just asking how I can deal with thoughts about my ex?

Thank you in advance...

Answer 1

The hardest part is forgiving your ex, and you stated you have done this. Now its time to move on in your life with or without the ex as a friend. You have the emotional scars to deal with now and the new boyfriend seems to be dealing with this his way. Lucky you.

Just remember this and keep it always in your mind. Believe in God, for it was him who took you away from your ex and this new boyfriend into your life now. Never and I mean never, ask for anything more than what is actually needed, and your life will be so much easier to follow.

Answer 2

farina ; I would advise U to be happy iwth your life with Ur biyfriend ; U are saying that Ur relationship with Ur ex was a n abusive one , right ??

So its better for you as well as for him that both of U parted ; Since U are happy with Ur boyfriend , I think U should not be hesitating to extend this relation to marriage ; Does your parents have any problems with this?? U have the right to live Ur own life ;

thats it ;

Hope that helps

plz answer mine:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?...

Answer 3

I understand what you are going through. I do not think that it is unusual you are thinking abt your ex...The fact is that U were in an abusive relationship and that means that for some period of time, he did control you ( whether it's emotionally or physically)...and because he was abusive, he didn't fulfill your needs ( again emotionally/physically), thus you feel like you have some unfinished business..

Maybe you also want him to see how happy you are and  that he made a huuuuge mistake letting you go?

Answer 4

My advice is, never totally write of your ex, and expect them to just drop out of existence. They will always be there, you can't just wish them away.

The best thing to do is to keep them as a very, very loose acquaint and only talk to him through email. That way you can stop wondering what he's doing, but not start a formal friendship with him because you're only talking through email.

Answer 5

Well I guess it depends have you forgivin ur ex?If so then I think if you want closure then you should write your feelings out on paper weigh out your pros and cons!!!!Then if you still dont feel better then you can write your ex a letter telling him that you forgive him and that your moving on,and that u wish him well but if it was a bad realtionship then I would not meet him.....I wish you well good luck  

Answer 6

Hmmmmm ... in my view there are several layers to your question and, to be sure I articulate my reply without fanfare, upfront I need to say, "this is about you" and not your ex or even your current beau.  That is not a criticism, a shot at who you are -or were- it's simply a statement I'm making based on the circumstances you've provided in your post ... for example:

(1) "I feel I'm in a stage where I'm not fully having "closure" when it comes to my ex."  I'm not sure what you mean by "closure" and, to be fair, neither is anyone else (even if they tell you they "know" what you mean).  You have moved on (at least for three years now), and unless this lack of closure is interfering with your life -your roles and responsibilities as a person, along with the mutual agreements in your current relationship, then, in the most liberal sense of the term closure, you have closed out your ex.

(2) "I feel particularly uncomfortable that I keep *wondering* what my ex is up to, where he is, what he's doing now etc."  This sentence is "key," and is actually the one sentence that made me stop and think ... and then want to reply to your post.

This (sentence) is the nexus of your situation ... that is, you are experiencing something (at a minimum, thoughts) that you are uncomfortable with and it's basis can possibly be in the "guilt" you feel as you "wonder" about your ex.

For example, beyond the concern (in your mind) for why you are wondering about your ex when you seem to be in a good relationship with your current boyfriend, you may be -at the same time- triggering your mind to wonder about why you would be having such thoughts about your ex in the first place.  And, for me, therein lies the root cause of your question and, I'd argue, the possible solution for trying to resolve your confusion and wondering.

To do so will take work on your part ... at a minimum, it will take complete, unwavering honesty for you to come to terms with the "real reasons" why you continue to wonder about your ex.  

For example, is it possible that your wondering is based in some sexual need?  Or could your wondering be based in some altruistic need for you to know that, even as creepy as he treated you, you want to be sure he is safe ... is okay?  Or your wondering could be about "control" that is, you ex seemed to control you and your current boyfriend (according to the brief things you shared in your post) doesn't seem controlling at all.

Please know that if the deep-seated issue (in your mind) is largely about "control" then you next need to determine why -because control issues tend to be largely "trust" issues.  That doesn't mean you don't trust your ex, or do trust your current bf, what it does mean is that you may not trust yourself.

Have faith in yourself to be able to work on this -without someone else saying s/he can figure it out for you.  If your "introspection" becomes a little too uncomfortable for you, keep in mind then that you may need the safety and professionalism of a therapist ... and, depending on where this all leads, the therapy may well be beneficial to include your current boyfriend.

You can get through this ... be strong and good luck!