How do I change behavior of a 4 yr old, who learned in her daycare it was ok to spit, & hit?

Question

Time outs don't work as she just cries & kicks on her door. She has become very willfiul and never was before seeing other kids in day care act this way. She was quite premature & has some delays in some areas, but she is smarter than we give her credit for.

Answer 1

First of all, if you are the parent of this child, I would speak to the school about the behavior at home and perhaps look for a different school if they do not seem proactive in getting their class behavior under control.

As far as your child is concerned, I would approach it from a "good choices/poor choices" point of view. When your child is not misbehaving and is in a good mood, sit down with the child and explain the difference between a good choice, and a poor choice. Good choices make you feel good about yourself and show respect for your environment and other people. Poor choices make you feel badly about yourself and do not show respect for your environment and other people (you'll want to simplify this so the child can understand). Have the child decide if actions like spitting and hitting are good choices or poor choices. Then have your child decide if hugging, sharing, smiling, etc. are good choices or poor choices. Then talk about how she would feel if someone spit on her or hit her. Would it feel good? Would you like that person that did that to you? Is it a poor choice or a good choice for someone to do that to you? This will need to be a regular discussion for her to understand, and it will work better if she participates by getting to name good choices and poor choices, instead of it being a "talking to".

The last part is to let the child know what your expectations are. You can let the child know that you want her to make good choices, and you know she wants to make good choices too. However, if she makes poor choices, there will be consequences.

Obviously, time-out isn't working if the poor behavior continues to happen, so you'll have to find something else for discipline. Maybe it means that your child has to go to be earlier that night. Maybe it means that your child loses the privilege of watching television or playing video games. Maybe it means that your child has to come in 15 minutes early from playing outside. Whatever you think is going to work, let the child know beforehand that if poor choices like spitting and hitting are made, then _______ will happen. And for the behavior to stop, you're going to make sure that you are consistent in following up with that discipline every time she makes a poor choice, otherwise she won't understand why sometimes it is ok for her to spit/hit, and other times it is not ok.

If your child knows who is sptting and hitting at school, have her tell you. Then have her tell you who doesn't spit and hit. You can encourage her to play with those children instead.

Follow up with the teacher and explain what you are doing at home, and that you want to know if this happens at school as well. It's important that the teachers realize that poor behavior in the classroom is causing your child to act out at home.

Answer 2

Are you sure she learned it from the day care?  The reason I ask is because this is typical behavior children do when they are not able to communicate things well.  It sounds more out of frustration than a case of "this happens at day care and they allow it to happen."  Attending a day care sounds like a change in her routine.  Changes in routines can bring about these behaviors.

The day care is the first step to figuring out the issue. Talk to the day care and see if there are things happening that specifically frustrate your daughter.  See how she feels throughout the day.  See if there are problems with how she acts and get suggestions and a plan together for how to handle that situation.  When the parents and school are on the same page of handling certain situations, it is easier on the child and adults involved to get through the situation.

What delays does she have that you mentioned?  Is the school aware of those delays and aware of how you work with them?  "Delays" to me almost always means the child will have difficulty communicating something.  If the child has a speech delay, I might have trouble understanding exactly what the child is saying, despite my best efforts.  If the child has some type of physical delay, I might misinterpret when a certain action happens.  As a response, I might think I'm doing the right thing, but am actually completely misunderstanding what the child is trying to tell me and I accidentally do the wrong thing.  So be sure the school understands exactly what the delays are from your experience and has a good understanding of how to deal with those delays.  It may be a case that your daughter is frustrated because all day at school, she cannot communicate her needs.  Living in Taiwan, I find I'm OK if I can't communicate something big, but get the most frustrated when I can't get something simple, like shrimp cooked the way I thought it was going to be cooked.  I don't kick doors and spit, but I can understand the frustration of failing to communicate and realize a four year old might get really upset over a similar problem that should seem so minor.

Matt

Answer 3

tell her it's OK to spit, but only toothpaste and in the sink;  hitting is also OK as long as it's a drum, we don't hit our friends, that is not OK...  be patient, she is trying out her new behaviors on you and remember who is the adult in this situation!

Answer 4

I really wouldnt worry, children especially of this age experiment with the behaviour they see. Often pushing, shouting and biting are similarly repeated once seen. Time out works if the place they are sat is in different areas and not one set place, away from toys and activities and where you can see them. Keep other children away as thay are also a distraction. Always get down to the childs level explain firmly that the behaviour is unacceptable and it has made you very sad. Do not allow them to get up or touch the toys etc Make sure you sit them for roughly the same amount of minutes as their age and if they get up or scream etc tell them they will sit for longer if they carry on, take them back to that same spot til time out is up, be consistant and always explain clearly what you expect them to do, and it will sink in. And always lots of praise for the good behaviour. I also find that with the willful side offer a comprimise.... they can do that if we do this first,  ie a goal etc.  If none of that works try to ignore the unwanted behaviour and distract, when the child realises it isnt getting any attention for it theyll just give up doing it, remember it is just as phase that most children go through. I hope this helps good luck.

Answer 5

Whats wrong with spitting and hitting?

Answer 6

Be firm, be consistent, explain why her behaviour is unacceptable and ensure you remove her form the situation immediately, ie: when she does hit or spit, take her away from the incident, leave her in a space for a moment whilst you give concern to her 'victim', return to your daughter and in a firm cross voice with your eyes at her level, tell her, "Mummy does not like when you spit/hit, it is not acceptable." Give her a minute and then ask her to say sorry to who ever she did it too and then tell her she is a good girl for saying sorry and she must play nicely. Keep doing this consisitently and firmly without losing your temper and rest assured she will grow out of it. She si testing your boundaries and as long as you maintain exactly what the boundary is she will get it. THIS is tried and tested on my four children and i also advise pre schools so i know it works Best of luck, keep your ground!!!

Answer 7

replace those negative behaviors with positive behaviors. Reward her for making the right choices.  Instead of hitting she can give that person a hug, instead of spitting she can give them a kiss. Good luck!