How do I change my 8 year old stepson's lazy, helpless behavior?

Question

He's a great kid, does exceptional at school, very smart. The only annoying thing is that he is so helpless and clueless when it comes to helping around the house. His dad asked him to plug in a lamp and he's like, "I don't know how." I asked him to put his dishes in the sink and he stood up, took a step, turned back to the table like he was so confused and finally took the dishes and put them on the counter. I ask him to clean his room and find everything under his bed blankets or bed. I ask him to find his "brown shoes" and he comes back with his winter boots. He dresses himself but he comes out without his socks or coat or shoes or forgets to button his pants, etc. I have two younger children and they are totally independent, follow directions and do their chores without me holding their hands. At his mother's house he's not excpected to do anything or help and just watches vidoe games all day. She even dresses him in the morning!!! Any suggestions?

Answer 1

Well, some kids need you to break instructions down a little.  Had he ever plugged anything in before? Since we typically tell kids not even to touch outlets, we can't expect suddenly one day to tell them to plug something in and have them just know how to do it.  You can answer a question like that by saying "Have you ever done it before?" If yes, ask them how they did it last time.  If no, go show them the outlet and explain it to them (it's tricky with polarized plugs ... and make sure you explain exactly why you can't put anything but a plug into an outlet!).

"Clean your room" is still very broad for some 8-year-olds, especially if it's a messy room.  Try saying "put the dirty clothes in the hamper," then follow that up with "put the books on the bookshelf," etc.  When they've done it a few times, you can make a chart to help them remember the steps.  Same with getting dressed without missing anything.  It's not surprising he's not great at it if he's used to having his mother dress him (and that's not his fault; it's hers).

Try not to compare him to your other kids.  Kids are different in so many ways and what's easy for one is often hard for another.

Answer 2

I think that just doing what someone else had posted earlier, breaking things down in simpler terms. I also agree that consistency with kids is key to making things work. It will take time and things don't happen over night but it will get better.

good luck :)

Answer 3

Since the expectation that he helps and does chores around the house (reasonable for his age)....you need to teach by showing once, ask for understanding of the chore, and then let him do it on his own next time with your encouragement and praise for job well done. "let me show you a good way to handle this"...on the times he doesn't quite "get it".  My nephew was being dressed until he was 8 and still at 18 he isRARE to help or offer help on his own accord.  It teaches them "they can't do it themselves"  TEACH like a brand new slate without frustration or anger showing.  Make it a good time and know that YOU made a difference in his life that will follow him until he is 18 and older.

Expectation, understanding, boundries, disapline (naughty spot for 8 minutes) and CONSISTANCY!  Dont expect every day to be a "great" day or a "bad" day....just one day at a time teaching by example and consistancy. You'll make it.

hang in there............

Answer 4

It sounds like he's not getting enough one-on-one attention and help. My son went thru this and we realized it was because of our hectic schedules. It was a way for him to get attention. So we started giving him more one-on-one attention and when he said he didn't know how to do something, we simply helped him do it without judgement or name-calling (like lazy or helpless). We accepted what he was saying as the only way he could communicate his feelings and we met him where he was emotionally. We realized it was our fault and we fixed the problem (our hectic schedule).

He's only 8. Still a kid. Hate to break it to ya, but he still needs his parents "holding his hands" sometimes.  Better to hold his hand now, than have an emotional devoid adult or worse an emotional screwed up teen who either seeks love in all the wrong places or seeks revenge. :/

Answer 5

Having been a stepdaughter of a few stepmothers as well as fathers I know just how fine a line it is to take. I am also now on my way to becoming a stepmother as well.

First of all DO NOT try to boss him around. The best thing is to confront his parent (whoever you are married to) and get him a regulated chore list. It sounds as if organizing/cleaning his room and doing this dishes are good ones. If he doesn't do his chores make more restrictions like making sure they are done by a certain time every evening, and if they are not have there be a consistant consequence.

I remember that I LOVED it when my stepmom and dad sat down with my brother and I and simply told us we would each have 5 chores, of which we got to pick (each alternating choosing which chores) as well as choosing consequences everyone could agree on if they weren't done on time or well enough. It made us feel more grown up and in control of ourselves which is very important for kids.

Also, never compare him to your other kids. That is a VERY bad thing to do with stepkids because everyone is different, especially kids. He grew up in a different environment than yours, and had different expectations. You just need to sit down with his parent and yourself, as well as with your other kids, and let ALL of them know, officially, what is expected of each of them. Good Luck!

Answer 6

First of all, give him chores and an allowance.  No chores done, no allowance.  Or if give him a deadline and expectations:  You need to clean your room by Sunday morning and there can be nothing under the bed or you will lose (his favorite toy, playing with friends, whatever he would miss).  I grade my son's room when he has to clean it.  If he does not do it by the deadline, he gets grounded from friends, then I will take away his Playstation & Nintendo DS, etc. until it is done.

Have him lay out his clothes for school at night and have his shoes by the door.  That way he will learn on how to be more responsible.

I also have my son after dinner rinse his plate and put it in the sink.  I put the dishes in the dishwasher.  It is a step to him being responsible for his messes.  Start little then go big.

I also reward him from time-to-time out of the blue for good behavior.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Well there you go, mom isn't making him do anything. If he doesn't get dressed, immediate consequence. Anything he doesn't do promptly, IMMEDIATE consequence. Give him directions, tell him they need to be followed in x amount of time or he loses a privilege. And follow through. His mom is doing him NO favors. If he won't clean stuff up like toys, take them away. If he doesn't put his dishes away properly, he sits there until he does. This is a battle of wills, be tough but don't yell just give results. Once he has no sheets, no toys, no privileges, things will turn around.