How do I change my feelings toward coming baby?

Question

Last year I miscarried, now I am 6 months pregnant with a perfectly healthy baby. I was feeling motherly at first, then at 3 months I had a bad flu and went through all the same symptoms of miscarriage. I was thinking that it probably was for the best.

Now, I am having difficulty with how I am going to feel when the child arrives.

When my son arrived 8 yrs ago, it took me about a month to realize that I was not just doing extreme babysitting and he was actually mine. Needless to say it took awhile for me to fall head over heels for him. Our family has been just the three of us since and I can't fathom another person in our lives. It almost repulses me at the thought of a baby at my breast, since my son is MY baby.

These feelings also worsened when I knew for sure I was having a girl. I am such a tomboy and do well raising little boys. I can't stand the clothes/accessories available for girls and all I can look at are boys clothes.

How do I get past this unease?

Answer 1

I knew someone who felt this way about their unborn babies and I never could get my arms around the idea of not being completely in love with the little tiny being growing inside my belly.  Unfortunately I am unable to have children so hearing these feelings is doubly unsettling for me.  What I would not give to have a big round belly and a sweet tiny little person to come home with me.  It took my friend 3 months before she really bonded with her newborn and...well, I just can't get my arms around that.  A miscarriage has got to be devastating - I'm so sorry you had to endure that.  But, you've already had one child and it sounds like you are very connected to him.  I'm just wondering why you decided to haver another child if you cannot fathom having another person in your life?  If you didn't think you'd want to make room in your heart for another child.  And having a girl made you feel worse.  This whole discussion is one that I have a hard time fathoming.  You have a little baby girl coming soon.  Sugar and spice and everything nice.....I think your feelings will change when she gets here and I guess you'll have to wait until she gets here to fall in love with her.  The minute you see her and smell her and hold her....I think it will happen for you.  You are not alone in your current feelings, tho.  I know 4 people who have felt the exact same way.  But I think you'll be OK once the little darling gets here.  I'll keep good thoughts for you ; )

Answer 2

You're thinking too much, try to go with the flow.  Hopefully once the baby is in your arms, you will fall in love with her.  

Please don't worry about the "girlie" accessories - your baby will fit in with what you want.  I do get quite cross with people who prefer one s*x to another - I have two boys and two girls - and they're people first, gender second.

I always wanted a little girl - I was an only girl in a family of boys - but I adapted quickly to having boys.  It's a character thing, not a gender thing.  My easiest child was/is a boy, and my most difficult a boy, too.

My daughters are very sporty, but one is really girlie.  That's who they are, and it's not about your perceptions of what a girl should be, but appreciating that they are their own person, without putting your preconceptions on them.

As for breastfeeding - did you breastfeed your son?  If so, it will probably help your bonding if you make yourself breastfeed your daughter, too.  Once you've got over that little taboo, you'll be well able to accept her.

Good luck.  And remember, a daughter is yours for life, and sons - well, they move on to their wive's family.  Your daughter could and probably will be, your greatest blessing.  Mine certainly are.

Answer 3

Wow...I do feel sorry for you and the baby.  I have three boys and I'd love to have a girl...if I have an extra pair of hands to take care of one more.  It was hard for me to raise one of them for a period of time.  It was just the opposite of your situation.  I was so girly and one of my boys was just too rough and tough for me.  Now I love him dearly and he is a sweet heart to me and to most people (to mean people, he'll be just plain blunt and let them know how he feels. He'll give them a chance to apologize, of course.  A kid with healthy self-image:)  

I guess over the years I just somehow learned to play with him his way.  It turned out to be a good thing for my character and personality-although it's really a character building experience.  He taught me to appreciate some qualities in people that I'd never known to understand so deeply if I had not had him.

I really don't have any suggestion in mind and can only sympathize 'cause I know how that feels.  All I can do is to pray for you (I am Christian) because there are many things only God can do--change of heart, soothing feelings that are deep and strong...

Good luck!  I hope things get better for you.

Answer 4

Wait until she is born, and make up you mind then.  And if your son is yours, she might be "Daddy's little girl"  Stop worrying, you only make yourself sick.  Live now..... better for the unborn too.  She feels you!!  All the negatives!!

Peace, luck and happiness with the new one.

Answer 5

You poor thing. I bet a lot of this is hormonal (please don't take offense that I said that). Have you considered going to counseling? A therapist might be able to help you work through your feelings about this new baby.

Answer 6

i think you should chill out, don't think too much about your previous bad experience, having a child is such a god gift, dont let any bad thought spoil that wonderful feeling and experience, though hard it may seem, just try to overcome you fear, u will get a superb baby..

i know how is that having a baby, i am myself trying for that, but due to hormonal imbalance , i cant make ip properly, its frustrating...easy to give advice but to follow that, this is another great deal !......

girl or boy, giving birth to a child is the most marvellous thing in the world, so enjoy buying bubbly , pink clothes for your newborn to be, dont stock your fear, discuss about that with other mums, friends....

good luck !

Answer 7

All children are a gift from God.  All children are a blessing to their parents, family and the world.  You may have had difficulties but take courage;  do not succumb to your feelings.  Love your child even from now.  I am sure that your husband, your family and especially your son will be extremely happy to welcome a daughter and sister.   Of course you will have to make sacrifices for the sake of your children but that is nothing compared to the joy of giving life to a child.  Courage.

Answer 8

I thought I was reading my own life story.  The day my son was born, I thought:  Who the h**l are you?  I was depressed because I was pregnant and didn't want children from the start.  Then he came and despite the fact that it took me a month to accept him when I eventually did, I was so in love with him - Like nothing on earth.  I will give my life in a second for him.  He is my whole life.

Now I'm expecting a girl.  Also not into girly stuff ect, but suspect that in good time the same thing will happen.

I'm sure you will adapt very quickly - let's face it - we have to.