How do I confront my father-in-law?

Question

I caught my father-in-law saying some not very nice things to my son. Although my husband is not the biological father, he still treats him as tho he is, and for a long time I thought the grandparents did too. Now I am not so sure. My father-in-law knows I heard him because I made sure talk to my son loud enough that he knew I had walked up. Do I just leave it alone, since he knows I overheard ( maybe he will not do that anymore) or do I confront him on it? We have had several confrontations before, and they have not turned out well. He is very hard-headed, and will never say things to me in front of my husband (always does it when he is not around). Anyway, once again my question is do I confront him about being rude to my son, or do I leave it alone this time. And if I do, how do I go about it, knowing he will probably deny it as usual?

Answer 1

Your husband is the father in your son's life.  He should be the one to confront the grandfather.

Answer 2

It could help to ask your husband to help. You might not feel like your husband has as much business in the matter because he's not the biological father but you said it yourself- he treats him like he is. You don't have to say "TAKE CARE OF YOUR SON!" or act like an angry mother bear and horde him. Maybe asking him to be with you when you ask your father-in-law not to speak to your son that way because it is not how you want to raise him. You are his mother and have first say in how he is raised. If your son did something wrong in that scenario, let him know you prefer to discipline him in a different way and suggest that he try that way or get YOU  to take care of it if he isn't comfortable (or doesn't want to) react the way you ask him to.

If he denies it, at least he knows it isn't going to slide, your husband will be told and you will get on your father in law's case when he does something that isn't right. If he gets too bad then maybe cut time with him some, your husband doesn't have to disown his parents because you two don't get along as well as you might like, he can visit them, but you feel more comfortable taking a step or two back. If you'd rather tough it out, don't give him the opportunity to corner you alone when people's backs are turned.

Answer 3

If you have confronted him about this before, and there was no good result of it, whats the point? What are you trying to get out of it? He was obviously doing it to get your goat.

If your husband loves you and his son he will be the one to confront your father in law and tell him it is not okay to be treating his family in that manner.  

Answer 4

Having read your message the way things look to me the source of all the confrontation that you mention could be as a result; of your husband not being the biological father of your son. This is an issue that will not go away and since i 'm writing things base on what you wrote.

You need to see if my suspicions are right on target and if you are not sure how to deal about going forward; to seek some form of professional help from people that know how to take things to the next step. You need to get to the bottom of the situation as if left alone can have some effect on your son in the future and you will have no one to blame but your self for not being proactive.

There are no quick fixes to your situation and like a General on a battle field you need to take your time and seek professional help; and take things to the next level. Have you notice the grades of your son in school as a result of the way your father in law treated him.

For the sake of your Son as well as your marriage and your own self esteem; please don't sweep this under the carpet and hope that it goes away. The fact that your husband accepted you and your son and made you his wife you have to do all you can as such men are hard to find. The way to handle your father in law is simple; you can buy one of those recorders were you can tape him being rude and let your husband hear it. Sooner or later you have to let him in and it is best to have some proof to back up your story by being a little Hi-Tech.

Answer 5

talk to him about it with a tape recorder in your pocket. if he denies it play the tape and call him  a liar on top of it.

then stay away from the likes of such a nasty man.

Answer 6

Confront. A child shouldn't be exposed to "not very nice things"< I don't know what you meant by that but it's obviously something negative so confront him cause he's in the wrong.  

Answer 7

The best way to handle this is to talk to your husband and then ask your husband to talk to your son about how it made him feel. It is hard for the father-in-law to deny it if your husband is the one who talks to him (meaning your father-in-law) about how he hurt both your feelings and your sons feelings.

Then after your hubby talks to your son ask him to say something to his dad. Something that is close ended to avoid a argument (since he is hard headed). Something like " I know what you said to my son. We had a family discussion about it and I want you to know that I will not tolerate you talking to him that way as his grandfather and I know that will not happen again ". That way it acknowledges that you and your hubby are on the same page and he knows about it and he himself will not tolerate it in the future.

If your father-in-law tries to bring it up to you in the future, just say - I am glad it is settled and change the subject. Don't let it go though. Your son deserves more than that.

Good luck!

Answer 8

I would confront him about it, but I would also have my husband there with me to support me.  Maybe it'll make more of a difference to him if he sees that your husband cares about your son to.