How do I cope with my ex and his wife?

Question

I found out recently that my ex told my daughters that they are not allowed to talk about me, my husband or their new brother when they are with his wife's family. He told them no one cares because they do not know us and that if they want to talk about us they can talk to him. If a topic comes up and my daughters try to say something but their answer includes one of us he cuts them off and reminds them the subject is off limits. I tried to talk to him about this but he refuses to listen and told me it's not his problem and he can require them not to speak about us when they are with him if he chooses. I think it is damaging to my daughters to require this of them. We split custody 50/50 and they are with his wife's family part of every weekend.

Answer 1

I think yes it is damaging to your daughters life but its also damaging to his part of the family he has now. What he is trying to do is please his wife and not make her feel uncomfortable. I think its wrong for him to do it because she married him knowing he was married and had a life with you back then but at the same time he wants things to be as easy as he can for him and his new family. I am not sure what your question is but all i can say is keep going forward and don't let your daughters see the pain it is causing you because divorce is hard on them already and to see you both still fight over things that are not necessary would be wrong. To me it seems as though he dose not care on how you feel but to be honest why should he your his ex for a reason. Just tell him "I know i don't matter to you in your life but please just try not to make it hard on our kids!" You have the right to defend your kids but let your kids your okay with everything so they don't have a bad look on their father that can traumatize there lives! Good luck and I'm sorry you have to go through this :)

*Mother of 2 year old and 32 weeks pregnant :)

Answer 2

NO to be mean but why you care if he doesn't want hear about your business than he doesn't his new wife comes first than everyone else. YOu sound bitter good luck.

Answer 3

How old are the daughters?  This situation could be handled in a few different ways, but it really depends upon their age.

Answer 4

Unfortunately, there really isn't much you can do about the situation.  Unless he is physically or verbally absuing them, you really don't have control over what he says or does when they are with him.  What he is doing is wrong, rude, and bad for the kids, but it's not abusive.

I suppose all you can do is attempt to talk to him about it one more time.  You need to butter up his new wife and try to be the bigger person -- compliment her.  Say something like "Look, I can understand that it must be weird for your wife and her family to  have the kids talk about me.  Our daughter has 4 parents now, though, and just because she gained a step mother doesn't mean she lost her birth mother.  I allow the girls to talk about you and your wife whenever they please -- it's healthy for them to talk about those they love.  Can we please abolish this rule about the girls not talking about me?  I think it would be best for them and I'd really appreciate it."

You're taking the high road, and also not putting his wife or his in laws down, which is very important.  I know that it's a bit ridiculous that you would even have to say these things to him, but the fact of the matter is if he and his wife are going to act silly and put the girls in the middle, than something needs to be done about it even if it means stepping up above their level and trying to be the bigger person.

EDIT:  Sorry!  I just re-read and saw that you were married now, too.  Make that *4* parents, not 3.  :)

Answer 5

It is damaging for your daughters because they´re not open to talk about you and they should. You are their mother! What I think you should do is talk to your daughters first and explain to them the situation and how wrong this is, but that you will talk to their father about this. And the only way to resolve this is by talking to your ex. Don´t take no for an answer, and don´t accept the fact that he "doesn´t want to listen." These are your daughters and you´re the only one who can deffend them and protect them from things like this!

It´s not fair for them and you´re not a crime prisoner they can´t talk about! You´re their mother, and you deserve the respect coming from anybody who knows them!

Stand up for yourself and for your girls. Don´t let your ex decide stuff like this without even consulting you. He can´t just decide what´s going to happen and what´s not without you agreeing first.

Remember, the ones who got divorced were you and your ex, not you, him and your daughters. By God you´re still a family that needs rules and discipline, but mutual and equally.

Answer 6

I think if he worded it the way you did it sounds a little harsh but I can kind of see where he is coming from he doesn't care to hear about you guys and if you maybe don't like someone why would you want to talk about them so I can see where both of you are coming from but he should have told them in a different way.

Answer 7

Here it is plainly and honestly.  Your ex husband's new family knows nothing of you or your husband or your daughter's new brother.  It makes his wife's family feel really uncomfortable for your daughters to bring up people that no one else they are talking to know.  It is very bad manners for your daughters to continue this kind of behavior.  Good on your ex husband for teaching them how to behave socially.

Do not take this personally, it is not because you are a bad mother, or your ex husband hates you.  He is teaching them proper social etiquette.  It is impolite for your daughters to make everyone around them uncomfortable by talking about their father's ex-wife and their mother.  

My stepsons are told the same thing.  They are young and forget their manners sometimes.  When we are over at a house of a friend of ours, who happens to be close to me, and the children bring up my husband's ex-wife all the adults in that situation are really uncomfortable and there is absolutely no need for this.  The children should learn proper and polite behavior.  If they'd like to talk about their mother's house, they are more than welcome to talk to their father or me, their step mother about it, but not others, as again, like I've said it is VERY rude.

You should teach your daughters the same when they are with you.  Best wishes.

Answer 8

I'm sorry but that's not fair at all! there is so such thing as off topic when it comes to parents!! they can talk about you or you both to whomever! you are their parents!

What he is doing is totally unfair, i would talk to someone about that! that's not right at all!

Answer 9

he is a jerk a pussssy whipped jerk!! and him trying to put gag order on your kids should p**s u off! tell your girls they can say whatever they want and if he doesn't like well tough titty said the kitty! as long as nobody is getting hurt they should be able to talk about you guys!

Answer 10

There is nothing you can do. Your ex obviously feels pleasing his new wife is more important than pleasing you and his children. The best thing to do is to have a talk with your daughters. Do so in a way that does ot undermine their father. Just let them know that they are loved and sometimes silly rules are put upon in order to keep harmony. Try your best not to show them how upset you are over this or it will affect them. Children are usually adaptable. Good luck to you!

Answer 11

You can't prevent such rules from being made & enforced in your ex's home. Your ex can make any subject and person taboo in any conversations in his home even tho I can't understand why and quite frankly it's wrong...but it's going to backlash not apon you but apon him and his wife. The girls will start to resent the fact they cannot talk about their mother, their step-father and their brother, that their conversations are censored.

So the damage will be to their relationship with him....if he's stupid enough to demand this, then he will pay the price later by alienating his daughters...his problem.

Betcha the new wife is behind this and to keep the peace he's caved in, either because she's jealous, threatened, or maybe her family wants to pretend you don;'t exist...but at what price? Hope he's willing to deal with the fall-out.

What you and your husband can do is some damage control...tell your girls while you both don;t agree with it, when they are in their father's home they must abide by his rules...then with a smile and a gentle reasurring manner tell them in your home with them NO subject is off-limits, if they wish to talk about anyone and anything related to their father's new family, well that's fine with you and their step-dad because it's part of their lives, and they are important to you.....don't offer any reasons as to why he insists, just shrug and say they will have to ask their father...and of course the answer he will give will just make him look worse in their eyes, especially when they compare it to you and the home atmosphere you and your husband have for them...children recognise openess and censorship quickly.....

Just wait, in a few years he'll have a pair of resentful older teens/young adults who will suddenly get very mouthy and will say exactly what they want when they want and to whom they want....add resentment in the mix and Dad is gonna rue the day he tried to ignore an important part of his girls' lives....good luck.

Answer 12

Well first of all I have to say that badmouthing of either parent is unacceptable. There’s no excuse for it but unfortunately, it happens all the time with so many people!

I also have to say that what happens during your ex’s time with his girls is his business. So if he chooses to take them to a park, that’s his call. If he chooses to take them shopping, that’s his call. If he chooses to take him to his in-laws, then that’s his call. My stepdaughter visits my family VERY often and it’s because we love her as part of our family. However, we never speak about her mother at all nor would I even think of saying anything negative if her name came up. That’s not who we are or what we’re about.

I wish I knew what to tell you because there really isn’t anything that you can do about it. You can talk to him, but what will that resolve? The girls are the ones that are still stuck in the middle regardless. If you think talking to him will help, then by all means, give it a shot. But otherwise, there's nothing you can do about this...it is what it is.

Answer 13

Wait a minute now we are talking about your feelings here. People have the right to say what is and isn't aloud in there home no matter what it is are you kidding you are just taking it as a personal attack. Personally I agree with him why would he want to spend his time with his kids talking about you and your new baby get a grip maybe your ok with the kids talking about him and his wife because you look forward to the latest gossip.

Answer 14

When they get older they will be able to do what they please.  He must look like a real fool to her side of the family, and his own children must think he is a bit strange.