How do I cope with my husband who is a functioning alcoholic?

Question

I do not believe in divorce, I love him and so do my children. It is difficult to see the one you love struggle.

Answer 1

well you can try to do things with him during the hours that he usually drinks. if you do it often it could break his pattern/cycle of drinking. if he enjoys himself more often maybe he'll slow down. good luck

Answer 2

Check out section 52 of my website, on alcohol, at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris and contact the various organisations shown.

Answer 3

I also grew up with an alcoholic, a functioning one.  I never knew who I was coming home to.  I love my father but wish my mom would have left him.  Your husband is the one making the choice on divorce, you know - booze or family.  It's his call, not your's.  All you are doing is saying what behavior is not healthy for your family.

Answer 4

Hi Linda.  I understand.  Alcohol is like any other substance - meaning - alcohol or drugs - both the same.  I say that because I'm passing on advice based on personal experience with someone in my family who was/is an addict.  You may have some experience with dealing with the day to day life of an alcoholic but what you are saying about loving him and not wanting to leave means this:  you cannot change the alcoholic, you can only change yourself.  

Ask yourself these few questions:  Are you trying to interfere with the natural consequences that your husband should be dealing with because of his drinking?

Are you trying to do for him what he should do for himself?

Are you doing what you think is best for him or for yourself and your kids?

Sometimes, the most compassionate thing you can do for your alcoholic/addict is to let them take responsibility for their own actions.

Keep loving him Linda, but love him in a way that you can still continue to love yourself.  Make some small changes in your own life.  Demonstrate to him AT ALL TIMES  that you are important.  If you don't look after yourself, you absolutely cannot look after him.  Could I suggest a book for you.  It was my lifesaver.  My addict is three years clean now but I read a page of this book every day.  It's called COURAGE TO CHANGE and is published by Al-Anon Family Groups.  Get in touch with them, even if its just to get this book.

My love and thougts are with you, I know your pain.

The Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Answer 5

alcoholics hm.. your kids could be at risk

i would try and get him some help or just talk to him about it

Answer 6

i grew up with an alcoholic.  you know that you are risking your childrens futures.  there is a HUGE chance that they will have issues when they get older.  you need to tell him that he needs to clean up or move out.  

Answer 7

Linda, you are a good woman, most others would have been out of there with the kids at the first sign of trouble, forgetting the "for better or worse" vow they made.

You do not say if he is abusive, is he just down a lot?

If this is the case, then he is looking for the endorphin rush that he is, at present, getting from the bottle, and not from life.

You need to get him doing stuff that gives him as good a feeling as the drink does.

Getting him out of the house to do stuff, would, I assume be difficult, OK, you have to start slowly, and s*x is a good start.  If he, or you, have a fantasy, start there...and keep going...an o****m is a good substitute for an alcoholic high, for anybody.

If you have never traditionally drunk alcohol with dinner, send the kids out to a babysitter, and you and him spend the evening together, cook him a meal of comfort foods, that he loves.  Can't cook? Order some in, it tastes just as good, dress up, s**y, and seduce him. Make it obvious that you do love him, with touches, cuddles, kisses, and saying it, love is also a good substitute for alcohol.

Also, make sure someone, even one of the kids, is able to see him  at all times.  Alcoholics who know they have problems can prefer to drink in private, so do not give him that opportunity.

Finally, if he is keeping bottles in the house, suggest he keeps them in a locked cupboard, INSIDE, with the key outside in the garage so that it is not a simple matter to just go and have a drink.  Keep bottles of juice in the fridge so that he can imitate the action he wants to do, without the undesirable consequences. Of course, suggesting the latter is not going to be easy, but if you can pick a time when he is sober, to discuss this, and, if you know that he does want to get off the drink, then he will likely be prepared to try this.

Good luck, if this starts him on the road to recovery, keep filling his time with endorphin raising activities...like dancing, playing ball games with the kids, going for bicycle rides with the kids. It does eventually happen.  I was not an alcoholic, but I did drink a fair bit, I stopped when I moved in with my partner who provided me with a lot of love, and was a companion with whom to do the activities that were such a good substitute for the drink.  I also made sure there was no alcohol in the house that I could get my hands on.

Answer 8

Make sure you and your kids are not "enabling" him in any way, or making excuses for him as was more or less mentioned earlier.  You must understand "co-dependancy" and how it affects the entire family.  I don't think you can live with an alcoholic and not have problems with co-dependancy.

If any of you enable him in any way...Stop.  Make sure you and the kids are the priority....and you may have to make a hard choice...and so might he.  How badly do his actions affect your family ?  If they do,  lay the law down...you can still love him and not allow the behavior...and he can make a choice between his family and alcohol.  It usually has to be a very hard hitting in the face reality of him loosing everything before (he) will make that right choice...and you can support him in recovery if he will go that route.  Just think about how much damage he may be doing to the rest of you, please study up on co-dependancy,  and you take control of your life and your kids...and control what you will accept and not from him

Answer 9

It is difficult, but you need to either get him help or get away from him for your sake and especially for the sake of your children..you are choosing to be with this man and by allowing this behavior you are condoning it..however, you children did not ask for this and you are putting them at a very serious risk and giving them scars that will take many many years to heal...