How do I deal with friends who have ineffective discipline techniques?

Question

My hubby and I love inviting our friends over to watch a movie, play a game, eat some food, and to let our kids play. We also like doing the same thing in other people's homes. I don't know how to handle those who have really bad discipline techniques. The problem isn't that I don't like how they discipline, it's that what they're doing doesn't work. Because of that they spend most of their time trying to "control" their kids, getting stressed because it isn't working, and not really enjoying the time as much as we could be.

What are some ways I can handle that? I respect that we can have different discipline techniques, but I struggle when some so obviously don't work and the situation turns into a battle for control.

Answer 1

Lead by example.  

Talking to them about it may put up their defenses and offend them.  If, however, your parenting techniques are indeed "better" and your children are more well-behaved, then your friends are bound to notice that eventually.  Maybe they will start to learn a bit from watching you, or maybe they will come to you directly for advice.  Nothing is more annoying than unsolicited parenting advice, no matter how desperately they may seem to need it.  Lead by your good example, not by your words.  Doing otherwise will probably just result in their guard being put up, and may even ruin your friendship.  Good luck!

Answer 2

Dont phrase anything as an attack at them.  What could open things up, is talk about problems you have, and what you find worked and didnt.   Or bring up an article you saw.  Keep the situation, more as its your concern on yourself and your kids.  Then they might open up on theirs.

The other thing, is look at your communities activities for parenting classes, and suggest you do one together.  

Answer 3

If they are at your house, just say "oh don't worry about it" or "he won't hurt that"  They may just be afraid that you will think they don't have a strict enough discipline which may be why it is not working (b/c they only practice it in front of you).  If your at someone else's house there really is not anything you can do.

Answer 4

If you try to give advice, you will probably just offend them. If they are acting out of control in your house, you put your foot down. Let them know they cannot disrespect your home. If you just have issues with your friends parenting, you probably should not say anything. Do you have children? If so, give her ideas while your talking about your kids without telling her what to do. Example, "When John does not listen to me I say...." Maybe she may try your ideas.

You don't want to hurt anyone feelings-and you will do so if you tell someone else how to parent their child-especially if what they are doing works for them. Let this one go, unless the children are destroying your home, there is no need to mention anything about their parenting.

Answer 5

If it's in their own home, then there's not much you can do. Just treat (and discipline) your child like you normally would. Either they will see that what you're doing is getting results, or they will continue with their own way.

I've found that no parents parents the same. Just last night, I was talking to a friend on the phone while she was getting her 2 year old ready for bed. Her child kept saying "me sleep with mommy?". Her mother, and my friend, then said "No" very forcefully and placed her in her crib. I, being a co-sleeping mommy, really had to bite my tongue. But, I didn't say anything because it just wasn't my place.

Answer 6

if they are in your home and their child acts up, ask the parents if they "want you to handle it" and if they say yes, handle it your way, if it works, they will probably adopt the method.

Answer 7

Understand that no parents are perfect.  I'm sure there are things you do that don't work with your kids.

My advice is to not notice.

Answer 8

Tough call,  I think you risk losing friendship with your friends if you say anything. You can really only lead by example and take care of your own kids.  Your next step would be not to invite them over if they are that bad.  The risk of telling them would be last resort.  You might be able to say you've had good luck with a book right after your kids have been corrected and mention it to them.   If they seem interested then maybe you could offer it to them.

Answer 9

the best way would be to mind your own business.

Answer 10

I show my friends by example.  I am very skilled in behaviour strategies so I see room for improvement where ever I go.

However I can also see your friends side a bit as allthough my discipline methods are very good (and I know they are good as I am a teaching assistant and the parents and my friends ask for advice on behaviour) My son has ADHD which is a neurological condition and he can't controll himself very well even when he is wanting to so It appears that my methods are inaffective sometimes.

Some children are strong willed and are challenging.  

Some people would rather that their children had a voice and would rather have that than had their children scared of them.

When I am in someone elses house I ask my tell my child that he must not join in with anything that he knows I would not like.  If anything has happened (bettween my friends and their children) that has distressed me on behalf of my son, I talk to him about it afterwards.

If other peoples children come to my house I ask that they abide by my rules.  How they speak to their parents is not up to me, but as regards to language, sharing, care of possessions, saftey and volume levels I tell the child that that is the rule in my house so thank you for sticking to them.  I remind them that I will get drinks/snacks/bubble mixture out after a bit if they have been playing well.

Answer 11

you should report them to child services immediately. this is a very serious issue.  if you cant discipline children well when they are young they will grow up to be criminals.  its best to have them taken away from their bad parents so that they will grow up to be functioning members of society rather than living in jail forever.  

Answer 12

try suggesting some things but not forcefully or pointedly... if they dont listen then stay out of it. its not your business and its not something you  should worry over bc its not going to change  if it hasnt already.

Answer 13

Ineffective according to whom?  You?  I agree with the first poster, mind your own children and let them handle yours.  If their kids are really that screwy then don't invite them over anymore.  

Answer 14

We have family with this situation.  All that can be done is that when we are at their house, I make sure my children do not participate in bad behavior.  I have taken my daughter aside and told her that somethings are not acceptable to us.

On the other hand, if we are at my home.  I have told the kids (in front their parent) "I am sorry honey, we don't do that here."  Depending on age it usually works.