How do I deal with my Grandmother's death? I am still in denial, its like a dream, well nightmare actually..?

Question

My grandmother was in the hospital for 4 weeks with an unexplained illness. Her heart stopped and she stopped breathing, they didn't know if there was brain damage, or what brought on these symptoms, but she seemed to be getting better after a week. They took her off her ventilator and blood pressure medication, and she started to be able to talk, although she was very weak. She suddenly had another heart attack, but again, they brought her back and she seemed to be recovering again, until they rushed her into surgery because of severe gastrointestinal swelling. They found that 6 feet of her small intestine was essentially dead (which is 50% of her small intestine), they removed it and separated the large and small intestine until the swelling went down and they could re-attach the two organs.We were told after the surgery that when they went in, they hadn't expected her to be able to pull through the surgery after all the trauma her system had been through, which made us very hopeful that she would be strong enough to recover. The second surgery was the next day, they found that there was still too much swelling, so they scheduled yet another surgery for 2 days later. During the 2 days in between, she was very responsive to our voices and our touch, she tried to speak on several occasions. When they did the 3rd surgery they found that her whole small intestine was dead, which meant that they could do nothing more for her than keep her out of pain until she passed, as you can't live without the small intestine because it takes nourishment out of food (which is how the dr explained it to us). She passed 3 1/2 hours later, without pain, as if she just went to sleep for the surgery and never woke up. She died on August 20th, her funeral was the 25th, but I still can't come to terms with it. I just feel like I can go down to her house and she will still be there baking bread on Saturday morning, or a pie on Sunday night. I feel like I am just having a nightmare and I just want to wake up from it. She can't be gone, she still hasn't seen me get married and have kids, she is supposed to be around for that! I have never lost someone so close, and there was so much hope for her to recover as she always did before (she is always in and out of the hospital getting surgeries for different ailments). Please help me!

Answer 1

get a counselor.  there are 5 stages of grief and Denial is only one of them.  to heal, you must go thru them all.  remember that death is a part of life.

Answer 2

Sweetie, Awww, i know your pain right now.

And i know its really hard, but think, your grandmother

wouldnt want to see you in pain, she would want you to be happy

she would want you to know, she is in a much better place now

away from all the pain, and she is healthy and happy.

And she will always be looking down on you, she will always be with you in your mind, memories, and heart.

Sometimes it helps to go through old pictures, remember all the great

memories, and have a good cry.

Also, try jsut being with your family, you really need them right now, and they need you.

Just remember that your grandmothe is in a much better place now, and feels no pain :)

I know you will get through this,

Best wishes to you and your family, :)

Answer 3

I am so sorry for your loss. You are probably still in shock. Give yourself time to grieve. You may want to read about the 5 stages of grief. You may find a strong need to talk about your grandmother and relive moments you had together. This is healthy, but some people choose to isolate-this is ok too.

  Take time to heal. Be kind to yourself-you've  just experienced a profound loss. Oh, your grandmother will be at your wedding and she will see your kids. She lives on in spirit.

  Try to find solace in the fact that you had a wonderful relationship with her. Keep her alive in your prayers and dreams.

God Bless.

Answer 4

i'm sorry but i don't really know how to help you. i'm not being rude or anything it's just that i feel so sorry for you. i don't even know what to say. yahoo!answers can't answer these questions, only your heart. look deep down and just listen. the answer will come. *i'm crying right now*

Answer 5

I can't imagine losing a grandmother. My grandmother that I have is like a mother to me. She has been there for me more than my parents have and has done more to help me than she probably should have. I would recommend seeing a counselor because it really does help to talk to somebody. After my grandmother passes away thats what I will probably have to do to is get a counselor.

Answer 6

I struggled with the sudden death of my great grandfather, i was very close with. My great grandmother died shortly after, she had severe osteoporosis  and she couldn't lift her head off of her chest. I will never forget my grandfather who had a stroke at my baptism (when i was a baby) and died when i was twelve. My godmother passed from breast cancer. I remember all the days clearly. Every time I faced a family member's death I remember all the pain they probably went through, and now their pain and their suffering is lifted. (I'm not sure what your religious views are) but I strongly believe in heaven, and your grandma is probably up there, watching down on you. She is also probably wanting you to be happy for her, and not sad. Sure, you will miss her, I miss my family members at times too. They are always with us, through good and bad. Whenever something amazing happens in my life I thank them for sending it to me. They have sent me some amazing friends, memories and a lot of love. I still feel they are with me, as if their energy has never gone, I feel like They're up there all hanging out, and anxiously waiting for us to join them, when God calls us home at the right time in our lives.

I feel like death is such a final term, it's very depressing. When in reality death is just our soul going home, where we were in the first place.

The only real piece of advice i can give you is to write letters to your grandma and save them, act like you are telling her about your life.  Be sure to include happy times that you have experienced since her passing and let her know that you will always love her. She will always love you, and will be looking down on you from heaven and no matter what happens in your life, she will be so proud of every decision you make. Time will heal the pain, and I'm sure you and all your family members are still grieving as well. Throughout the next few months is when you will need each other most, just don't be afraid to be happy when thinking about your grandma. She wouldn't want you to be sad. Share memories and funny stories with your family members about something grandma used to do. It helps ease the pain when you remember good memories.

You are probably having just a difficult time adjusting, which i can easily relate to. She was close to you and special, so you may in denial for a little while.

I'm sorry about your loss, feel free to email/IM me to talk if you need someone.

best wishes to you and your family during this time.  

Answer 7

I had an elderly friend who was much like your grandmother was to you.  She passed away after complications from surgery and it was a nightmare for me as well.  It took me 2 years just to stop crying every day.  It's been 9 years now and I still feel the void of losing her.  I usually don't know what the void feeling is...it's just there and if I think about why I feel the way I do it's because of the loss of her in my life.  I guess we should feel grateful to have had someone so wonderful in our lives as many people aren't that lucky but the loss is devastating.  Time will lighten the sadness you are feeling but the things you will miss out on because she is gone is what makes it so very hard.  She was lucky to have you as you were to have her.  Keep your head up and continue to make her proud of you...that's what you can do.

Answer 8

Dear Toast,

I can feel your suffering about your dear grandmother´s death and the trauma that you had to go through.  You were full of hope as she always recuperated - you trusted that she will get better and that she will be there for you forever.

I have good news to tell you.  She is there for you and she will be there for you forever.  You see, I will try to explain it the best way I can:  

When she passed away something from you went with her - this is why you cannot come to terms with this situation.  There is something missing from you - because part of you is with her.

But now your dear grandmother is in heaven, she is enjoying her return to her real home, she is among angels and in the full presence of God.  And there is that part of you that is with her - also in the presence of God.  

Now, the part that is here in this earth is not alone - it also has the presence of your grandmother, but this presence now is special, because she is full of God´s Love and Grace.

With the Grace of God, you will soon be able to see that dimension of your grandmother in your life, in the here and now.  Your heart will be full of peace, serenity and the joy that comes from trusting that she is around - in her divine state - loving you in a most amazing way.

Please accept a big hug from this corner in the world - Mexico - and let yourself be touched by all those angels, people in your life, who will represent her and would let you know that she is in heaven, and also here - because the Glory of God is everywhere.  

Rest assure, sweetie, that she is there for you forever.

Agua

Answer 9

I don't know if you're relgious or anything, but if you would like to know more about where she is going after her death this will help a lot.

You will see her again. And you can be a family forever.

www.mormon.org (Click on The Plan of Salvation, on the left hand side)

Answer 10

It is still way to soon for you to feel any other way than you do now.  It was less than a week ago....you will have good days and bad days.  remember the good times....cry if you want....When my dad died 5 years ago....it was the worst day of my life....(i was 45)..You must grief in your way.  I am not a "public" cryer....but when i went to bed or in the shower....its when it hit me the worst....People say to look at lots of pictures....I ipersonally couldn't look at pictures of my dad for over a year...it was too sad for me..The days will get better and easier..You will always be sad when you think of your grandma, but in time you will also be able to smile and say "grandma would have said______?. The song "dance with my father and me" by Luther Vandross? had just come out when my dad died...I could never listen to the entire song until about a year ago.....So please give your self time and keep yourself busy with happy things.....good luck to you...

Answer 11

i know how you feel my grandpa died in march.....worst of all 2 weeks after my b-day and 1week and 4 days after seeing him....he was always so strong i mean not happy but strong and tough....he raised me until i was 4 years old ....so it felt horrible and he wasnt sick he fell in a pool empty pool after going to sing som songs at a party cuz he was a musician....and he got dizzy or was pushed who know lots of drunk people...and thats the horrible story :(

Answer 12

first of all i would like to say, sorry about the death :(

i would talk to your family about it..i never wnent throught a death so what i would do is talk to my friends and family and they will help you out cause they are prob. feeling the same way.

Answer 13

I know it upsets you that she didn't see your children, but you will see her sometimes in your children, when they act a certain way, certain features, and you can teach them about her. also, be thankful that she knew you all

loved her very much. i bet she had a great life, and you'll see her again someday and will be able to introduce your kids and even grandkids to her! stay strong sweety.x

Answer 14

First of all, know that everyone who has been in a similar situation feels your pain.  On October 7th, 2007 I woke up a little early, went downstairs, went to the bathroom, came out and was headed back to bed.  My mom was up and ready for work, and she said 'have a good day at work,' and I mumbled you too as I walked back up the stairs.  I never spoke to her again, because at 11 am that morning I received a phone call that my mother had passed away at work from a heart attack.

It's almost been a year, and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of something I could have said, something I could have did, and every other cliche thing that you hear someone say when they lose someone.  Believe it or not, though, the phrase "time heals all wounds," is true.  In due time, you'll become used to her being gone, and you'll only have your fond memories to look back upon.  I still expect my mom to come through the door and tell me it was all just a dream, but it's not.  There is nothing to do but to try and heal emotionally and move forward with your life, which is how your grandma would want you to live.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but please take into account the fact that I am also going through the pains of healing from a loss.  Things will get better, but it takes time.  You're going to get mad, sad, cry, laugh, sob uncontrollably and think the pain will never go away; the pain will never go away, but it does hurt a lot less over time.

If want to talk in private, don't hesitate to contact me!  I'd love to help you through your situation.