How do I deal with my father?

Question

I am Fourteen and my sister is Seventeen and My dad is 54, and it seems that all he does is yell and scream, but lately he has been talking about how much he wants to die. I know he wouldn't kill himself, because his life insurance wouldn't pay off then (his words not mine). This really hurts me because it sounds like we don't make him happy anymore, and it makes me feel terrible, but at the same time I feel bad for him because I know that he's miserable. Not to mention that he recently got 2 teeth pulled and has been worse than ever, but I don't feel that I deserve this verbal abuse from him on a daily basis, and I tried talking to him and it didn't work. Personally I'd think that me and my mom and sister would be reason enough to want to live. Just please help me to deal with all of this.

Answer 1

It's a shame that you are going through this. I hear things like this a lot among my own friends.

Does he have some sort of mental illness? He's obviously depressed, but maybe it goes beyond that? The best choice may be some sort of medication, some anti-depressants or something.

Maybe you should also try and talk to your mom. See if she thinks it would be wise to go out as a family. Maybe you could cheer your dad up a little if you took him somewhere you could all have fun as a family.

I hope things get better for you.  

Answer 2

Its such a hard thing when you love someone and they dont give back to you what your love deserves. He sounds depressed and should see someone because if they can help him it will help you. Screaming and yelling may just be a release for his feelings and unfortunately you are the one taking the brunt of it. Thats why if it is just venting then dont take it to heart. Remember that its not really about you its about how he feels inside. Were only human, even our parents. How do you deal with it? Be with people who build you up where possible. Talk to people about it who you can trust, you need to vent too. Dont respond if its truly abusive and just exit when you can. There probably isnt a quick fix to your problem, just love him and support him where you can and dont be around when its turned on you.

Good Luck young lady, things change and then change again and thats life. It wont be like this forever.

Answer 3

sammmmeeee heeererrrreee

Answer 4

men often do not know how to express their sadness and disappointment for the things happening in their life.  they have been taught that it is not ok to cry or express any human emotion but anger..the anger is masking the depression, frustration and seeming lack of control going on inside him,

I think Chris M gave some good advise (young Man)

I think it is depression as most of the people who threaten suicide or kill themselves do so because they are suffering from clinical depression..if he is on an SSRI antidepressant, it can sometimes make the person worse, so have him or your mom read the books of peter breggin if he is on antidepressant drugs as to their side effects and dangers.

Understand that clinical depression is not caused by life circumstances, but by a physical brain chemistry imbalance.  Their are too many or not enough brain neurotransmitters and this affects his mood and happiness and can even make one feel suicidal. So he lacks the right amount of neurotransmitters required to be calm and happy.  It has nothing to do with you.

Do not think he does not love you cause he talks of killing himself..he is frustrated with his life right now and often having bad things happen all at once can trigger clinical depression..so it is the life circumstances, the heavy weight of responsibility he feels in not being able as a man to support his family jobwise and money wise and the stress of losing the roof over you all heads..you have no idea how this makes a man worry and feel inadequate and he is taking out these uncomfortable feelings out on you as he has to get them out..cut him a little slack will you?

When he is in a good mood, tell him his words hurt you and ask if he might try harder to not say these things as they weigh very heavy on you..tell him you are sure he doesn't mean to hurt your feelings but it does and ask him if he loves you and why and see what he says.

Tell him you feel inadequate and helpless, when he says he wants to kill himself..like you don't know how to react and it worries and upsets you and makes you feel like you are not important to him if he prefers death to you and your sister. just be honest but don't be judgmental or you might set him off.

Maybe you and your mom could go on some day trips to get away from it all and have some fun without him sometimes...if you can get him doing some activity he loves, then maybe you guys can do something on your own when he is gone doing his activity. Sounds like you all need a break from stress (but separately).

Don't be afraid to cry when you are upset and know it is ok for males to cry...also I suggest getting a piece of paper and writing but all your feelings and then when you are done rip up the paper or flush it down the toilet..this will help you get your feelings out..also maybe talk to another supportive relative or friend about your feelings or even come here and write it out and post or don't post it. Writing helps get our feelings out, reduces pain and stress, and helps us sort out our feelings.  Destroy it when done, so noone else reads it and thus you can be totally honest.

Sounds like mom gets frustrated too..we all do...anger is also caused by problems in the brain and even one's diet...your dad might consider going to counseling or emotions anonymous..or even you and your sister..like they have alateen for the families of alcoholics who are affected by his problems and this might be of hep if you can find a group like that in your city..call alcoholics anonymous and ask if they have a group like alateen that would help people affected by the out of control emotions of a family member or even go to the emotions anon group yourself and say why you are there if you think this might help you.

To guard against verbal abuse, strengthen your own self esteem by living as a very decent and loving and accomplished person who treats others kindly and when he starts on the verbal garbage, it will hurt you less as you know who you are inside.

I am sorry things are so tough in your family and ask God to help you deal with it and to help you understand what your dad is going through more and also help you to not feel so awful

Answer 5

I wouldn't rule out the possibility of depression just because of the fact that most of his issues result in outbursts of anger.  The way that depression manifests itself can vary in each person, and isn't limited to sadness.  I really encourage you to look at the link that I've posted as a source.

I do have personal experience with depression.  Beyond "sadness" I experienced anger, resentment, a lack of patience (this was huge), apathy and thoughts of death.

I'd start by sitting down and having on open and honest discussion with your mom about your concerns.  The reason I think that your talk should be with your mom, and not your dad, is that he likely won't be open to what you have to say.  If he is suffering from depression (and I honestly believe that this is a very real possibility) then your concerns may not reach his ears.  Not that he doesn't want to take your feelings in to account, but that he may not be capable of doing so right now.  Hopefully your mom will hear what you have to say and will take action with your dad to urge him towards recovery.

I would also recommend discussing your issues with a guidance counselor once you begin school.  If things continue on as they have been the counselor may be able to provide suggestions on how you can deal with the situation at home.

Answer 6

if talking hasnt done much maybe he's too shy to admit what the real problem is. y dont u, ur sister and ur mom try writting him a letter expressing how much he really means to all of u and how much u need him then ask if he could write back bec this would make u feel better. tell him that  the way he's been acting lately has troubled u for sometime now. this could be the start of a good communication between u and ur family.

Answer 7

just deal with him with a lot and i mean lots of patience. this will really go a long way. when he eventually croaks, you will always say that you did the right thing as a daughter in respect to her father.

Answer 8

well i think your guys should all have a family meeting i know it sounds corny but its the only true way you can all share your feelings....find out why your dad is so upset and try to stick by him... will admit that not killing himself for the life insurance is kinda harsh but to should be doing all you can to prevent him form feeling that way

Answer 9

you have to tell him, stop talking like that, things could be a lot worse. ask him, are we not a good enough reason for you to want to live?

Answer 10

Try having a family meeting about it and make him get help if its that bad and if that doesnt work out u could always move out n live with ur mom.......and by the way expressing how u feel doesnt make u a girl  

Answer 11

I think he needs help, maybe see a counsellor or something. Sometimes family doesn't even keep people happy, and if its a real problem which it sounds like it is, it might not be his 'choice' to be so unhappy. He doesn't know how to control his emotions, and counsellors do deal with this kind of stuff.

Answer 12

Hi.. i'm sorry you're going through this stuff at the hands of your father.

Truth is, when adults have stress and personal problems, they sometimes take it out on the people they love instead of getting proper help.  Maybe it's because lots of people think therapy or help from a doctor is a sign of weakness?  It's not true, though -- it takes a lot of guts and courage to go out there and get help!  So i think the strong and brave do get help.

Hon, you and others  can't "make your father happy".... happiness comes from within, and as adult individuals, we all make our own happiness or misery -- it depends upon what we want.

I'd also like to say that if your father threatens suicide, maybe call 911... especially if you think he's emotionally distressed and acting strangely.  You might talk with your mom about your concerns and feelings.  And you could also consider the school counselor or another adult you trust and respect for help and guidance.

I sure hope things work out... i don't have a solution, except to say that there is help for you -- just have to ask.  

hugs