How do I deal with my fiance's difficult family? Please please help, I need great advice!?

Question

I don't know where to start. I have been with him for over 11 years and engaged for several. Just haven't taken the time to tie the knot yet. Anyhow from the start I wasn't too crazy about his family but bent over backwards to get them to like me, cater to them, on and on I've done my part. He has two sisters and a younger brother and I have never seen such moochers in my life. The mom is a total flake and completely crazy. The dad is the only normal one. He is good to me.

For years and years I thought positive and tried to trick myself into thinking this was all OK. In reality it's not. I'm tired of trying and not getting any kind of gratitude. In the summer they would only come over to swim and use my pool. I wouldn't hear from them any other time of the year. His sisters expect expensive gifts while they don't even show up at our Birthdays. His younger sister was turned in for child abuse and she thinks it's me. Even though I have been nothing but kind to them. His mother and I just had words, I can't please her no matter how hard I try. He is frustrated and is ready to just shut them out. I feel the same but are we being too harsh?

There is so much more I could tell, I'm just trying to sum it all up as best I can. We don't wanna be fake and just get together at Birthday's. We have had enough. We're tired of seeing his father get milked dry by the younger sister. She doesn't work and relies on her Mom and Dad for everything and should be ashamed for bleeding them dry. That's not our concern, and if that's what they wanna do...work after retirement to support your pothead daughter and her bon jovi husband and his habits then so be it. Don't drag us down to her level because you're upset and frustrated with her and tired of shelling out the dough.

There are takers and givers....and all his siblings are TAKERS big time. I have never seen a family fight with each other the way that they do so I'm not surprised really when the fighting turned towards me. I'm just burnt out and fed up with all of them. The only thing they bring into my life is stress and turmoil.

I know this is a lot but I appreciate all honest and helpful replies, thanks.

Answer 1

Quit trying to please them.

Sit down and talk with your husband to be, explain how you feel and what you see, formulate a game plan with him, and STICK TO IT, no matter how his family responds

1)  NO GIFTS  (You don't expect any from them, you don't give any to them, no exceptions)

2)  You, (the two of you), are not a bank  Banks lend money, you don't

3)  Fights?  Not in your home, they get to fight on their own time, without you being involved.

Harsh?  I think realistic is closer to the truth.

You're dealing with children, who'll push until someone says "NO!"

Say no, make it stick, be united on this front. (this is PARAMOUNT!  VITAL, the two of you MUST be united in dealing with his family!)  People like this WILL bleed you dry if you let them,  don't let them.

He should do ALL the rule setting with his family, you can be there, (use your own judgment), but shouldn't say a word.

If anyone from his family attacks you, (verbally, or otherwise), it's his job to defend you.  Don't defend yourself, it'll just make things worse.

Your concerned about being too "harsh", the problem up until now is that you've totally rolled over and let them walk on you.

Make it clear that being walked on is over.

If dad is sane, you can develop an individual relationship with him, there can be separate expectations, (if he behaves like an adult, you can have an adult relationship with him).

The rest are spoiled brats, treating them any other way is a disservice to them.

Once you've talked it through and made an agreement on what your behavior will be towards them, LEAVE YOUR EMOTIONS OUT OF IT!!!

They're not gonna like it, ...................so what?

Don't let them make their problems your problems.

Luck

Answer 2

You cannot control other people's behavior. Say that 10 times every time you get frustrated with your b/f's family. I understand that you think these problems affect your daily life but they only do if you allow them to. A very determined "I am so sorry for your problems. Nice weather we are having." repeated any time they decide to bring you into the fray will eventually lead them to understand that you are not involved.

Don't call them, don't allow their negativity to color your world. All this takes is you drawing your line and then keeping yourself from crossing it. Do not discuss any of these or future issues with them or your b/f. How he deals with his family is his issue, you are not married to him, they are not your family.

I understand what I am advising you is harsh and not as easy as it sounds, but you are drowning and you really need to take drastic action to save yourself.  

Answer 3

Before you marry him, you and him need to have the understanding that contact with those losers will be few and far inbetween.  

Answer 4

Not harsh at all. Shut them out of your lives once and for all.

Answer 5

It is optimal that your husband be the one to talk to his own family about these problems. However, some men/husbands have very PASSIVE personalities and are fearful of hurting anyone's feelings to the point where they won't speak up for you or the boundaries that are set.

While I agree that it is best for him to do the talking, there are situations where you may have to speak up for yourself and not be treated like a human doormat.

Distancing yourselves from the relatives is definitely an option to consider. Setting clear boundaries (decided between you and your husband) about the behaviors that are bothersome to both of you, and sticking to them will help you and your relationship flourish.

Dealing with in-law problems and mother-in-law problems is very common, and you have to decide for yourselves what is and is not acceptable behavior in order to not be treated like their personal punching bag.

Answer 6

Yeah my ex stupite family broke us up and it hurts cuz I walk around with his son while he be gone for days, just dont let that happen to you is all I can say.

Answer 7

Most of this is not your problem as you're not marrying his family, distance yourself from them and then they wont stress you out so much, or accept them for what they are, being excessively judgemental doesn't solve anything.Stay out of all family arguments.