How do I deal with my friend staying in this abusive relationship and not step in?

Question

Sorry this is long, there's a lot going on...

My best friend just moved in with my boyfriend and me, in our attempts to help her out and get her away from her 'boyfriend' who has made her life miserable with verbal, mental and physical abuse. As soon as they moved in together I have heard nothing but complaints of his horrible immature behavior. He doesn't have a job (his dad has fired him three times from his landscaping company) which means he has no money. He's a drug addict and an alcoholic who act like he's six years old, he’s 28, she’s 22. He has some sort of mental issue but we aren’t sure what because it really just makes him act like an idiot, which makes him really hard to be around. She has spent every earned dollar on this guy. They fight all the time, she's kicked him out and he's broken back into their house. He calls her names, hits her, blames all problems on her, and all the usual abusive signs which she makes excuses for. He’s been to jail a few times, including last week and should be going back for about three months in a week.

She knows this is all wrong and says she can't deal with it. She says she now hates herself, feels depressed all the time, always stressed about how he’s going to react to her and know he has brought her down soooo far. She has told him they aren’t dating and he doesn’t get it. She wants to stay friends because "he means a lot to her" but he still acts like he can control her. I told her that he might not be able to be just friends and continued communication will keep the cycle going. She is putting her own self esteem and happiness aside because she feels bad for this guy. He looses a lot of friends because of his behavior. She said believe it or not he is the best boyfriend she’s ever had and loves him. She’s gotten close with his parents which I also think is part of her problem with letting go. How can she cry everyday because of this guy and still do anything for him. There is so much more to this story that just makes it so hard to deal with.

After all this, I guess my question is how I should approach the situation. I know it’s best to let her figure it out on her own and not say anything. She knows we don’t like him and he can’t be at our house. I know it’s up to her and right when she’s about to leave he pulls these guilt trips making her think she is choosing sides. We’re giving her a house and treating her well, otherwise she’d be living in the back of his truck with him. I am having a hard time because I am the one she comes to after he’s made her cry and ruined her day. She is living in our house and bringing this drama around our lives and we’re not supposed to say anything? It’s hard to sit and watch her waste her youth thinking she’ll change this guy. She’s supporting him and waiting for him to change and he won’t. Is there anything other than letting her figure it out that we can do? When she comes crying to me, what am I supposed to say? It’s really hard and I just want to help her.

Answer 1

This will eventually mess with your household. Discord only brings about more discord. I would try to tell her to make up her mind although when you are caught up in it it is easier said than done. I think she needs to understand that this will be her life and her kids life if she has anywith this guy. It can get violent and maybe even lead to a disaster. It is hard to stand back and watch, but aside from forcintg her to leave him alone what else can you do. I hope he goes in for a while, long enough for her to sort things out.If she says this is her best boyfriend then she is picking them from the bottom of the barrel. You are a great person.

Answer 2

its a shame your friend has got herself into this situation. I dont know why but a lot of women stay in abusive relationship.

I think because she has been mentally broken down by her "boyfriend" to an extent of losing all confidence she may have had before allowing this guy to treat that way.

The best way is to be there for her. No matter what, just be there for her, show her your house is always open no matter what, no matter what arguments you two may have. even if she goes back to this guy, just be there for her. (no questions asked)

Whilst there are not together, try to take her out, so she can build her confidence and realise that there are better guys out there than this imbecile.

The more you criticise this guy to her, the more she feels the need to defend him and go back to him. If you are to criticise him to her, try to be tactful as in "don't you think it wasn't your fault... what do you think"

JUST BE THERE FOR HER AND TRY TO BUILD HER CONFIDENCE

or you can beat up the guy and tell him to stay away from her or else!!!!  

Answer 3

she needs to be in a womens shelter and get some professional help,people like these wind up hurt for life ordead at a young age.

Answer 4

Realize that as strange as this may sound.. some people are attracted to misery. It sounds like ur friend is one of these types of people. If you really want to help her, start treating her miserably and then she'll like you more, and begin to respect what you say. She may even begin to listen to ur advice.

What does her bf do when she is crying? do the same thing. Remember, she likes misery. For some crazy reason people are like that. Or, tell her there are other more product ways to live in misery... like working out, tell her to become a meathead- (gym addict), or whatever.