How do I deal with this conflict? ?

Question

I am not exactly sure where I should start this at and I am sure that I will leave out something important. I am hoping that someone here will have something helpful to say about this situation. I will start with a little background information. I am married and 27 years old. I have been with my wife for over 10 years now and things have been great as far as I am concerned. I myself come from a broken home and my father left my mom for another woman he met at work when I was five years old. I had a great deal of issues with this growing up that I think I have worked through very well. I have however developed some very strong opinions and moral beliefs due in part to what I went through with my father. I will be the first to admit that I may be a little over the top when it comes to what I believe to be moral and ethical and I choose not to be around people who stray too far from it. My wife has tested these limits a few times but over all I find her close to me. Recently however some issues have come up with her sister. Her sister has recently divorced (no children involved) and has started pursuing a married man with children. This in my eyes makes her a morally bankrupt, selfish, scumbag of a person. The problem comes in that I no longer want her in my house or in my life. This would be a lot to ask of my wife so I try to be as accommodating as possible but at the same time is it fair to ask me to sacrifice my moral and ethical beliefs to accommodate another person? Furthermore the fact that my wife is talking about it with her and being supportive does not sit well with me at all. Luckily her sister does not live nearby so I have until November to get this all figured out. I am very disappointed in her because I held her I very high regard and I am troubled by the fact that my wife seems to be indifferent about the whole thing. To add to the whole mess my wife is angry that I am so bothered by this situation this makes me feel very alone and I am walking around on egg shells all of the time unable to say what I feel. It is beginning to feel like a lost cause. From what I can tell my wife’s family ranks slightly higher than me on the ladder so I am sure that if I said what I really felt I would be out. What do I do? The best thing that I can think of is to continue to hold it all in but sooner or later it is going to blow up but at the same time I do not want to make any more problems for our relationship because I need to be here for my son. I have no idea what to do.

Answer 1

I think it's great that you have high moral standers, but do you have the right to impose your standers on someone else? I assume you are a Christian, because Christianity is the reason we have morals. As a Christian you know that to "show by example" and to be a good witness to others is the way is the way to bring about change. It may not be an easy path but you need to try to understand the position your wife is in too. This is her sister and siblings can be very close. Many times closer than husbands and wives. Let your wife know how you feel (as I think you have already done) and when your sister-in-law arrives be that good example, but don't let her sisters problem become yours.  

Answer 2

I strongly believe like you and i also believe you should never sacrifice your belief no matter what. My husband cheated on me and we separated for 2 1/2 years. My son at the time was 13 when the hold mess started he is now 27 and still has issues like trust. If i were you i would tell your wife that you understand that she is your sister and you love her so your only seeing her side but you see the other side as well the side that no one is thinking about like the wife and children's of this married man. You need to tell her how you feel don't let it get to the breaking point because then you might say something out of anger that you can't take back once it's said. Some people on here are telling you not to push your beliefs on to your wife or your sister in-law. Don't listen to them that's not what your doing your wife knew when you were married how you felt and so did her family. If anything they are the ones who are pushing this on you. I don't understand your wife she should be on your side but because it's her sister she doesn't care how this is affecting you.

Answer 3

My husband and I had this very same conflict. His moral compass has always been over the top. We have had knock down, drag em out fights regarding this topic. Don't loose your beautiful family over this. Lastly, the only one who has any right to judge is GOD. Peace be with you.  

Answer 4

Talk to your wife.  In a marrieage your spouse comes before your family.  You both need to comprimise.  I agree with you, what she is doing is wrong.  If your wife won't listen I would tell her that when her sister comes to visit you will go stay some where else for that time.  

Linda

Answer 5

as i go through your questions, i can clearly see u r the one who is wrong here.  why?

1.  u r using ur past experience to judge another perosn who is just entering a relationship bec she is in love.  it doesnt matter who ur sis in law marries, whats impt is they are in love and respects each other.

2.  it would be a bad thing to lose love or respect to your wife bec of this, bec clearly, she grew up in another family environment.  it would be really unfair for her if u judge her bec of this.

3.  every bpdy grew up in diff environments and family.. so learn to compromise.  life isnt what we want it made.  respect other people's judgement on their life and dont burn bridges bec of some issues.

as u have learned to cope with ur past, pls now, learn to cope with what life truly is.  its not about living for other people, its living for urself.  ur sis in law is living for herself.. for her life.. she loves the man, let her be with whom she choses.. the consequences, if there will be any is hers.

u on the other, live ur life with love and respect for ur wife and family.  as long as ur family is intact, in love, with respect.. we sometimes try to help other people for their own good but ended up being the bad person.  dont do that - life is short to be looking at a straight line.

Answer 6

stand up for what you believe in. You may not be able to change the situation, but you don't have to agree with it.  If your wife doesnt see things your way I am not sure what you can do about it, mine doesnt see anything my way so I know where you are at. I would also like to say that we cannot be responsible for other peoples shortfalls. tolerate this the best you can or go someplace when the home wrecking witch comes to visit

Answer 7

From my perspective....are you sure you're not shoving your morals and values down other people's throats?  I mean, how would you feel if your wife started Scientology and forbid your family members to visit because they're Christian?  Would you not feel angry too?

It sounds like you're going too far with your morals and values.  Granted you're entitled to them, and you're entitled to discuss them with your wife...but by no means should you be shoving them down her throat or in her life (by being upset with the sister).

Here's why....what her sister does may be wrong in your eyes, but it's none of your business.  That's her life.  You have yours.  Your wife supporting this by just being a sister...is none of your business.  That's family you're making her choose against.  And her sister's actions are not negitively influencing your family or destroying the household from what I can tell.  It seems you are because you're too hardheaded to let it go and not deal with it.

The only thing you have to defend yourself from is when your wife tries talking to you about it.  What she can do is at least respect the fact that you're against it and it's a subject that the two of you can mutually agree not to discuss because the outcome is always bad.  The whole "agree to disagree" thing.  If she can't, then she's equally as guilty to be shoving her sister's morals and values down your throat.

So basically you just need to realize that your wife's sister is living her own life for herself.  Not for you or for society.  The choices she makes are her own.  So let it be.  Just stand your ground when your wife tries to talk to you about it.