How do I end an 'unspoken' competition?

Question

I noticed that for some odd reason, my brother has this 'unspoken' competition with me......and it's kind of irritating me. He had gastric bypass surgery about 2 years ago and lost well over 200 lbs.....and I/we were thrilled for him. He got down to 160 lbs - and was looking sickly....

Since then, he's joined a gym and is working out and trying to build muscle and such.

Well, I have worked out for years.....and it shows....but I don't go around telling people how muscular I am - which is what my brother is doing now.

This past Friday he was telling me that he's got 'muscles all over the place' and they are 'popping out everywhere' and "I should see him w/o a shirt" - yadda yadda yadda.

I listened to him and I said "Well, that's good." He wouldn't leave the whole subject alone, however...and it was driving me nuts.....not that I think he is or isn't muscular - but that it's so ridiculous that he's got this juvenile thing gonig on in his brain.....

This does not bother me because I think I am 'losing' the competition - it bothers me because he won't shut up and is acting foolish.....and he sounds like he's 15 years old...when in fact he's 4 years younger than I (he's 33 and I'm soon to be 37).

Does he lack class? Couth? What? How do I get him to 'stop' all the 'muscle talk'. It's one thing to talk about the exercises you're doing.....and just discussing it maturely - but they way he goes about it....it's strange.

Your thoughts???

Answer 1

It sounds like he is elated with not having that extra 200 pounds around and is thrilled that for once in his life he's got a bod that he can be proud of. He'll calm down in time, don't worry --- right now he's sort of on a honeymoon with himself, and that's OK. The whole point of the surgery was to improve his life, and it sounds like that has really happened.

He probably also feels a sense of camaraderie with the brother that he could never measure up to and has probably admired your fitness for a long time, so is eager to associate himself with you by pointing out that he, like you, now has a good physique.

Just be there for him and give him a pat on the back when he starts talking about his progress, let him know that you are proud of him and happy for him. Be sure and let him know that, whatever club he thought he was excluded from, he's always been a member as far as you are concerned. This will help him relax and he may not be as giddy (translates to anxious, actually.)

People who lose a lot of weight experience several strong emotional pulls --- relief that the weight is gone, disappointment that they let it get as bad as it did, and fear that the lost weight will return . . . not to mention the self-esteem problem that comes from not having a clear self-image. He may still feel 200 pounds overweight in his mind and may have trouble believing that he is fit or handsome. He may also have an identity problem if people are having trouble recognizing him if they haven't seen him in a while. That can really mess with a person's head. In these circumstances he is probably doing all he can to build and create a self-image and some self-esteem to go with his new biceps and find a way to be at home with all of that.

If there is a vibe of immaturity coming through, just chalk it up to the awkwardness and euphoria of dealing with a new body and discovering new horizons. He is probably doing and being a whole lot of things that for him were not possible for a long time, if ever.

It's really a big life change to lose that much weight. I don't think doctors are that good at warning patients that every physical procedure has a mental and emotional component.

Answer 2

He is acting rather boorish.  Nobody likes a braggart.  And no one wants to hear something repeated over and over.  Maybe he just wants to hear some response from his comments.  Maybe if you just say something like "You are looking really fabulous.  I can't beleive how much you have changed and how much better you look now". YOu might also say that you are proud of the way he has changed himself.  If he gets the positive reinforcement  he seems to need, maybe he will stop the boring c**p.  It will only take a little sincerity on your part.  

Answer 3

Well I think he's proud of all that he's accomplished.  You've also said you have been more slim and muscular for most of your life and he was a chubster until he worked on it to make himself look better.  Well it seems like straight up jealousy.  He most likely didn't like the fact that you got all that attention when he felt so bad about himself.  Now that he has something to feel good about he wants to get attention for it, and when people want attention for something, they'll usually start (obnoxiously) talking about it all the time.

I think the best way to get him to stop talking about it is to tell him how proud you are and that what he went through was probably more than you could have done had you been there too.  Just tell him these things to soothe his ego a bit.  After that, you need to tell him that "I am not that concerned about talking about working out, how good I look, etc. so could we try talking about something else?"  I think that the best way to tell him is to be straightforward without being too rude.  He will get over it eventually if he is a bit angry about it.  Just try to be a grownup and maybe he will be too!

Answer 4

I had gastric bypass surgery myself in 2004 and can relate. Your brother is experiencing intense emotional reactions to his changing body - in ways that he probably has never experienced.  This kind of dramatic weight loss is for many obese people, the very first time they have felt good about themselves as an adult and or as a kid.

I will take full ownership of my behavior during this time. My weight loss and the confidence it brought went to my head - the attention from others, etc. I became vain, and totally self absorbed for a year or two.  I know many of gastric bypass patients. This behavior is really typical. Eventually, the newness and novelty of these feelings passes. You get settled into your new body and realize that all the challenges of life are still there.

Give your brother time - plenty of it. Be a good listener, tell him how great he's doing, etc.  Eventually this will pass. In the meantime, if it's too much, you could just hang out with him a little less often until the newness wears off.  I'm sure it gets annoying and it won't be forever.

Answer 5

He's probably envied you for years.  Also, he probably spent his teens and his 20s as very obese.  He's 33 now and he wants to flaunt it while he still can.   Remember when Madonna was 30 and all of a sudden she started really exposing her body?  Your brother is wise enough to know that he has a small window to live up to being muscular jock because soon enough he will be in his forties.  When he is in his forties he can still be very muscular, but his face will show the lines of an older man.

On the other hand you are used to being fit and in shape.  What you have taken for granted is a completely new experience for him.

I've always been a firm believer in meeting people where they are.  In your case that means realizing that you now have a fitness obsessed brother, but that his preoccupation with his body doesn't have to be your constant discussion topic.  He's spent a lot of time and money to achieve what he has done.  Congratulate him.  Encourage him to take some photographs of himself.  But then I would just keep changing the subject.  Start praising the achievements of other family members and friends.  Or bring up how we are all men who will one day die and what is important is on the inside, not just the outside.  If he keeps persisting just spend less time with him.  Let him go through his phase and reconnect with him once he has it out of his system.