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How do I forgive my mother for everything she put me through as a child?

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I am 23 stay at home mother of a one and two year old. My father never played a magor role in my life, given I only saw him about once every 5 years. From the time I was born, until I was 18, my mother had been married 6 times. When I was 6 she married a guy, he was really nice to me while they were dating. But when they got married, things changed for the worse, he became verbally and physically abusive towards me. One incident that stands out in my mind the most was when I was seven. My mother had fallen(and at 7 you think because your parent gets hurt, they are going to like die) I nicely asked him to hand me the phone so I could call my grandparents to let them know. He then proceeded to hit me upside the head with a cordless telephone, he hit me so hard, it broke the metal antena on the phone. After he hit me, my head hit the refridgerator and I passed out. I saw her hit him many times as well. My mother considered being separated, by taking me to wal mart for a couple of hours and then going home right back to it. It finally came to a hault when I was 13 and he molested me. But she kicked me out and sent me to my grandparents. My grandparents have always been like my parents and I love them so much. Last night while over at my mom's house(she is no longer married and living with my 15 year old sister), She had boxed up some of me and my sisters toys from our childhood.

My father, while he was in the Persian Gulf War, would send me really nice things, and they mean the world to me. And I would notice, as a child, my favorite toys would come up missing. Well, when I was 12 my Step father, who did all of this other stuff to me, finally admitted that he threw all of my favorite toys in the sewer.

Last night, when I opened these boxes, I started crying because I found one that I thought had been tossed in the sewer, my mother started crying because I told her, I wanted to hang onto these things because I had no childhood. She doesnt know it, but I hold alot of resentment against her because of the simple fact that I went through this for NINE years of my childhood and she never left him.

And something else that hurts is, she never wants my one and two year old to stay the night with her. She wants to charge me $150.00 a day to keep them, which I can't afford. She acts very proud of her grandkids in public, but she always has an excuse as to why she can not keep them, and this hurts me because my husbands father lives in Texas my father lives in Oklahoma, and my kids dont really get to see them. My mother in law sees them alot, but she doesnt keep them. She is 70 and has a house cleaning business. It just makes me feel like my mother on the inside wants nothing to do with her grandkids.

How do I get over all the hurt that my mother has put me through?

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  1. I learned from my own experiences with a toxic mother that forgiveness takes years, sometimes decades, perhaps it never happens. But emotionally accepting and then moving past your experiences can be done. Please consider joining an abuse support group. Your local hospital or doctor's office should be able to advise you.

    You have the capacity to take control; make a new life with your own family, and keep your mother as far away as possible from them. She has to deal with her own demons. Your children shouldn't be exposed to it. If your mother threatens you with, for example, disinheriting you, as a way to control your feelings and actions, say thank you. She'll likely disinherit you anyway.


  2. Talk it to your mom but first comes your husband and kids. then her and working it through

  3. I understand what you feel and why you want your kids to be near your mom..I know you wanted them to be close to her so atleast on your children you can feel the love that your mother never showed you that up to now you wish she would show tru her grandkids with you.

    I admire you cause while reading your letter im sure the hurt is still there but you are willing to forgive and to work things out with her.You mom must have been feel bad about what happened to you in your childhood,she carries you in her womb for 9 months amd somehow she is helpless and guilty about it.You know when you are a battered wife you are scared to your husband and you just do whaever he says and sometimes you felt like your just dependent on him.Your mom is brave to go out from him.and mothers will be mothers no matter what happened or no matter how bad they can get.You understand that feeling since your a mother too.

    Just keep on reaching on her, just like you she have been to violence too and its really hard to get yourself back when you loose your self respect and believe on somethings.Mom must have had a shield to protect her own feelings just like what you put in yourself so bad situations wont hurt you.But im sure you mom loves you, just give her time and reach out to her, soon all wound will be healed, it may take sometime but it will be.Showed her love always it wont hurt but it will heal wounds slowly.

    I dont know if i help you but I feel what you are going through,we have the same pains. Just always remember you are not alone in this world.I may not know you but Your in my thoughts and in my prayers.

    God bless

  4. your mother is like a lot of other people 'imperfect' the thing I see is the physical abuse and then the sexual abuse. her response was to remove you from danger but I think she should have had him put in jail/

    As for keeping your kids I fail to understand how you would consider leaving them in her control after you own experiences

  5. why would you want your children to be near your mother. She is toxic. You dont have time to write on this site. Go focus on your children and trying to give them a better life than you had. Dont look back and put your mother out of your mind. she should not have been a parent. I am so sorry for your life up to now but you need to stop thinking about your mom . She is not going to change. Detach from her!!

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