How do I get my 11 year old daughter to tolerate pain, and not over react to incidents?

Question

My daughter is 11 years old and I have babied her. I wish I hadn't because she likes gymnastics, (and wants to be a cheerleader in high school) but wants to quit because she isn't brave enough to do her backhandspring on the tumbletrack (long trampoline) without a spotter. (The first time she tried it, she bonked her head with her knee, and over reacted. I have started to tell her to hush up and suck it up.) She has been in gymnastics for two and a half years and now wants to quit. Her training includes the balance beam, uneven bars, vault and floor exercises. Today I stopped the monthly automatic payment to the gym from my bank...

She also swims and has been the top breaststroker in our conference a couple of times, but refuses to work to the point of heavy breathing unless she is racing. And even then it's marginal.

I just worry that she doesn't have a good work ethic.

Answer 1

I basically agree with others who say that she should not be babied, and that she also should not be forced to do gymnastics or swimming.  Tell her that you will sign her up only for activities that she will fully participate in, and if she asks you to sign her up for an activity and then refuses to fully participate, she will have to pay you back (with chores, money earned from baby/petsitting, etc.)  Tell her that some degree of discomfort is part of sports, and that if she cannot tolerate it, she should not sign up for these classes.  If she is concerned about the safety (not just temporary pain) of these activities, help her researach them and let her make her own decision.  Maybe she would prefer music or crafts, but the same rule should go:  if she doesn't fully participate, no more classes, and she has to pay you back.  Don't belittle her or make her feel bad, but stick with the plan.

Answer 2

shes 11. some kids dont find anything fun if you get sweaty and winded.she should learn how to apply herself though.if you push too hard she may stop entirely.ask if the problem is with any of the coaches.

Answer 3

don't react to her tantrum.

Answer 4

Hard to correct what you've already instilled. She has 2 choices. She can particiapte in extracurricular activies or spend that time doing chores at home.  Try letting her doing something the SHE really wants to do not necessarily what you dream she should be doing. Let her try a variety of activities, tennis, soccer, horseback riding...there are lots of other sports out ther for women.

Regarding the not working to heavy breathing....maybe she hurts when she breathes (like exercise induced asthma or even some sort of heart problem) because she has a medical condition. Maybe she should see a doctor. And while you're at it. Maybe she needs someone professional to talk to about stress she has on her to perform.  YOu can't go from babying her to expecting her to tough it out. That's a difficult transition.

Answer 5

I was 11 recently!  Like 2 years ago.  What she needs is encouragment, and more responsibility.  When you said, "suck it up," it proabably hurt her and she felt like you weren't there for her.  It is bad for her to over-react, but you need to remind her that the only failure is to give up.  Nobody is perfect or does great on their first time.  The first time I went skiing, you have no idea how horribly miserably I was from falling so many times.  My mom told me that I should try again, but it was my choice.  There she gave me encouragment and responsibility.  I went back up and learned.  I had the funnest time ever!  I looked at the bright side of things.  I still did fall, because it was my first time.

Guess what?  I had this HUGE wipeout!  Everyone there helped me out!  This one girl told me some wise advice, "If you fall it only means that you're trying your hardest."  This really helped me out, and when I fell, I felt proud.

You gain some, you lose some.

Be there for her and encourage her.  If she does not cooperate, then you should not threaten her.  My dad doesn't give me enough encouragment and never seems to be proud of me.  I scored 3 goals in a row in a soccer game!  I felt great.  I did so good that game!  When I got out of the game, I said, "Dad!  Did you see me?"  He replied, not even looking at me, "You were completely out of position."  He isn't there for me, and it really breaks me down.  

PLEASE don't do what my dad does.  You have no idea how hard it is.  What a girl really works for is for her dad to be proud of her.  Please tell her that you are proud of her, and she will keep trying to make you even prouder.  I know that it seems that I am giving you more examples than answers, but something comes out of this.

Answer 6

i think that your child is used to the fact that mommy and daddy will make it better. every child comes to a point in their life when they believe that any little problem or accident is a cause for an excuse to be a littlebabied, as if she'll get cotton candy every time she bonks her knee. i think that its appropriate t sit your child down and have a chat with her about over reacting. maybe you can recite the little boy who cried wolf, but in a different tone, like when she blows things out of proportions, then when she REALLY needs the help, like if she (God forbid) falls off the uneven bars headfirst, there will be people who think she may want a little attention. so i think that you should tell her in the nicest way possible, tha when something small happens like getting a papercut, tat she shouldnt begin to think that her thumb will fall off.

    as for her quitting her gymnastics or her swimming, ive been there when i used to ice skate. sometimes doing something you like to do requires you to get injured slightly, but that doesnt mean that you quit it flat out. like getting one failing grade in algebra, she wont be able to quit highschool, and if you allow her to stop her gymnastics or her swimming, then she will greatly regret it, as do i with my ice skating.

i wish you the best of luck.

Answer 7

Jesus, she's 11, give her a break. You're being way too hard on her. The importance of sports is in the team aspect anyway - learning to work with others to achieve goals - learning to cope with loss even though you've tried your best - trust, sacrifice -

Maybe she'd do better in some team sport/event.

Solo sports just create prissy primadonnas anyway. A team player knows how to cope with not getting their way for the benefit of the group. Sometimes you dont wanna play in defence, but if you're the only guy that can keep up with their striker, you can help the goalie (your friend) out by playing a role in the game you dont want to (soccer example) etc. These are very important, transferrable life skills.

Answer 8

send her to one of those militant boot camps for kids, preferably one in the hot desert.  she will then know what PAIN is.  I'm glad I don't have kids and have to deal with crybabies.

Answer 9

i think your making your duaghter work a little to much let her be a kid and have fun shes young she doesnt understand but talk to her and i think your kinda over reacting dont be so tuff wit hher just let her know that no pain is no gain and tell her that she does could.you have to encourage her you can just boss her.thats something you should think about.

Answer 10

im her age and my parents have allwyas said succk it up and u will be ok .  so i have . Tell her to get up be brave and try at it again and again so she can pursue her dreams and move on with life.

Answer 11

Wow, i'm glad i'm not your daughter.

If shes afraid to do gymnastics, why are you forcing her?

Think how you would feel if someone forced you to do something you were scared of.

The poor girl..

Answer 12

Wow. This about sums up America right in this one question. Astounding...

In this country we baby and spoil our children while in Asian countries young and ambitious students who deserve to be rich have to struggle just to keep from being homeless. Tell your spoiled daughter to start doing gymnastics again or dock her allowance and ground her!!!!!

Answer 13

If she doesn't want to do gymnastics anymore, don't have her do gymnastics.

If she doesn't want to swim, don't have her swim.

Your "...and has been the top breaststroker..." comment makes me think that her activities are more about what YOU want than what SHE wants.

Maybe she'll have a good work ethic about things that don't subject her to a real or perceived risk of injury.  Hold her to high standards on schoolwork, and if back handsprings are such a big deal...get up there and demonstrate one for her and show her how awesome you are.  If speedy swimming is such a big deal, show her YOUR record time.

Answer 14

dicipline

Answer 15

I know this may be hard to swallow after years of over protecting but the best way to change her behavior is to ignore her when she over reacts. Even telling her to suck it up is still giving her attention. the next time it happens just ignore her and walk away. Whenever she does something correctly reward her with kind words, and if she does something wrong give her positive  feed back with a critique like " that was good but let's try it again to get better results" After several of these encounters she will learn that her negative behavior does not get her any attention and she will strive for the positive.

Answer 16

well im in gymnastics myself. i have been in it for 4 years and am in level 6 now.  it doesnt happen over night. i wasnt brave enough to do it my self. it just takes time. i landed on my neck doing a back tuck one time. but you cant make her go for it it takes time.  you have to encourage her to do it. act like you are gonna spot her but dont when she goes 4 it and then she will realize that she can do it

Answer 17

Well you're bang on that she doesn't have a good work ethic and that you babied her. And you're STILL baby-ing her. By letting her quit all of this, she's not learning responsibility or commitment and you're not doing anyone a favor. Start back those monthly automatic payments to the gym. You need to give your daughter discipline (but don't beat her up or anything).. she'll thank you in the long run.

Answer 18

Make her suck down some purple drank. Then she will be swervin' and leanin' too much too give a c**p.

Answer 19

I think you are right and it is a confidence issue...just keep encouraging her