How do I get my 5 year old to do what SHE wants instead of wanting to do, eat, drink like someone else?

Question

My daughter is having problems being her own person. She thinks she has to do everything that her cousin (or friends) do. Her cousin is only a few months older but she wants to compete over everything and when she wins she rubs it in until mine cries. It has gotten so bad that my daughter will not even order what she wants at a restaurant. If we are with the other family she has to get what her cousin gets even though it is not something she wants. My daughter tries so hard to get everyone to like her that she no longer does things for herself. If I try to tell her to think for herself that she doesn't have to do everthing like her cousin she cries and says "yes" she does.

I am scared if this continues she will always try to do what everyone else wants her to do and will not do the things she really wants. I don't want her to think she has to try so hard to get people to like her. I just want her to be herself!! I would love any suggestions!

Answer 1

Tell me, do you think that this cousin is a good influence? If she is then don't worry. all the same, encourage your daughter when she does things for herself and tell her what a great job she is doing.

Then just talk to her often about how clever she is and how she can make good decisions for herself and she is a great thinker.

Say this to her often enough and she will start to believe it. and I suggest cut down on the time she spends with her cousin.

Answer 2

At five, hardly anything lasts all that long unless you make a big deal out of it. Relax. Reassure your daughter, let her make choices when appropriate even if she continues to simply copy others. This too shall pass.

If you worry, she will worry. Maybe you could simply order food for her.Take the pressure off.

Answer 3

tell your daughter that she need to be her own person and if that doesn't work the next time she does it take her outside or somewhere private and swat her butt a few times.

Answer 4

No offense intended here so please don't take it the wrong way. However, a bigger concern of mine would be your need to overprotect her. She is only five years old and you cannot possibly think that you will be able to train and control every thing she thinks and does. The best way to get a child to be a self thinker is to let them self think.....and learn on their own. If she constantly orders food her cousin has and does not like it, she will eventually not like the food she is eating and order something different. Wanting to emulate her cousin (whom possibly she spends too much time with) is not out of the ordinary and certainly will not pattern the rest of her life. Let her make her own mistakes as long as they are not life threatening.

Answer 5

She needs some time alone.  A few days where she has to make her own choices and learn what she likes and dislikes.

You need to sit her down and tell her that she cant make everyone happy and she should do things like picking food she wants to eat, not what other want and not worry if someone else doesnt like what she has.  We all have our own tastes and styles and thats what makes people special.  

Tell her maybe if she makes some of her own choices her cousin might start wanting to be more like her!

And tell her to ignore the competition side of her cousin, that unless its a real game it doesnt count

Answer 6

tHIS COULD BE A PHASE SHE IS GOING THROUGH. SHE IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT  THE START OF RELATIONSHIPS.

I WOULD TALK TO HER COUSIN OR HER COUSINS PARENT BECAUSE THEY SHOULD BE INVOLVED TOO. IT WOULD BE GREAT IF SOME OF HER FRIENDS OR COUSIN WOULD ASK HER TO DECIDE FIRST.

i don't think this will go on for the rest of her life---soon she will find someone else to emulate.

Answer 7

She's five. It's part of being young and looking up to people older than you. If it really bothers her, encourage her to make her own decisions more. At restaurants, make her order first. Maybe take a vacation from her cousin for a while and encourage her to make up her own mind for everything you do, and then when she gets to see her cousin again.... Is the cousin mean to her when parents aren't around maybe?

Answer 8

wow that's hard! I wish my parents haddn't let me copy people so much... anyway, maybe try to let her pick first, or something.... (i'm sure you already are, but let her know that you love her for who she is, and that you really miss her when she tries to be like someone else...)

Answer 9

Find something that she really likes, like a show, toy, a food...(more)....if that don't work then sit her down and tell her what it would be like if everyone was the same.

Answer 10

The only thing I can think of is to make sure your daughter orders before her cousin, say no, you can't change it now it's too late when she says actually she wants that not this.

Keep telling her you love her, say something like 'oh, didn't like what so and so was wearing today, I prefer your skirt.' Make her feel special for being her.

Answer 11

It sounds like she's insecure.  Maybe she has abandonment issues.  Perhaps she feels if she doesn't conform, she won't be accepted or liked.

Look at her past, and the family situation...

Also, 5 year olds are impressionable...

If you feel there is an issue here, you could always talk with her pediatrician for help and advice.  That is a facet of their job, too.

Answer 12

Honestly my idea would be to remove your cousin from the situation.  In addition let your daughter go on her own path.  Character traits are so important in little children and they can only be self taught.  However you as the parent has the ability to demonstrate what it means to be an individual.  

Get the cousin away from her for a week and give her little reinforcement except for abiding by your house rules.  

Good Luck!

- Jeff

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