How do I get my birth mom to feel comfortable...?

Question

Ever since I was a baby my birth mom always was so interested in knowing everything about me(my pictures, activities, hobbies), I knew she cared. But once I turned 18 she became this horrid thing...she had never told any of her/my family that I existed (thats why she put me for adoption, shame), and now shes running away from me cuz shes scared of them finding out and possibly rejecting her? She ignores me when I contact her...the social worker inbetween us says that one minute she will be calm about the fact of us meeting eachother but then 2 minutes later she flips out and gets irrational and threatening. Also, she told the social worker that she would contact me one weekend...then she never called or anything...I just dont know what to do now, I want to meet her so badly, I hear she looks just like me...but shes horrified. I know that I get that from her...If I'm scared about something I will keep pushing it aside for later and then never face the fear...I dont know how to help her!

Answer 1

You need to back off.  You need to let her lead this. She may never be ready to fully meet you and you need to accept that.  Write to her.  Send pictures.  Ask the questions you need to know - medical etc..and the things you want to know - what she likes/liked to do etc...But you have to realize that she may never want a relationship.

Answer 2

It is a really hard situation. My first mother is also not coping well with my return - some 38 years later.

Mostly - for my mother - it is because she never dealt or talked about the events of my adoption - to anyone. She was told to go home (she was sent to another state to have me - and told by her mother to NOT come home with THAT baby - me!!) and told to get on with her life. No grieving was allowed. Nothing.

For you - I'd suggest a lot of reading - here's a great book list -

http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?page...

(especially - 'The Girls That Went Away')

Here's links to first mother blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Some websites -

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

http://origins-usa.org/

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/

And here are some support forums for you -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

http://soulofadoption.com/forum/index.ph...

Perhaps she wants to get to know you some more - and she is just so very scared of everything right now. She would certainly benefit from knowing that she is NOT alone - as so many feel they are. By getting to know about more of the issues yourself - you could be a great help to her.

I have also heard of many first mothers suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) - which can make their emotions fly all over the place - as they seem to be doing with your mother. Here is a good article to read up on -

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

Above all - hang in there. YOU are not alone. Drop on by the first forum I've linked to above. There are many many more adoptees just like you - trying to ride the roller-coasters of reunion!!!

I hope things get better soon.

Answer 3

Your mom has been living a lie for 18 years. I lived my lie for 30 years. My son was 23 before he knew he had a natural sister. It was so hard to tell people I had given up my first child. I was afraid that I would be shunned, that people would think I was a big piece of dog c**p for giving up a child, but once I started telling people I was amazed, totally amazed at the love people gave me. They were shocked at first but then they were thrilled for me. Keeping that lie, made me sick and talking about it made me free. Your bmom will have to come to terms on her own, there isn't much you can do about it. Keep the lines of communication open and pray she will come around.

Answer 4

I was scared too when my birth daughter wanted to meet. I felt fine with writing and photos.

I felt very much like your birth-mother, calm then erratic. My fear was that she wouldn't think I was good enough, that she would be disappointed in me when she meet me. I felt very insecure. However, I talked to the Social Worker and talked through my fears and met Tracy.

That was 10 years ago and we have a wonderful relationship. Try and be patient, I understand your need (I am adopted as well and have contact with my half sisters) and hopefully you will soon get to meet.

Answer 5

Maybe write her a letter letting her know your not mad at her. I pretty positive that she scared of that. Also that you would be disappointed in her as a person. I applaud you for being so brave. You know in your heart she loves you and shell come around

Answer 6

She feels that since she deserted you years ago, then you will do it to her and she can't face that.  I know that you don't think she deserted you but gave you a home and love that she could not at that time provide.  Just assure her that all you want is to meet her.  No judging, what if's, why's until she is ready to talk.  She gave you up for adoption and did not think she would ever hear from you.  Now you are back, the one thing she thought she would never have.  It is a lot for her to deal with.  Sounds like she is not doing very well with dealing with it.  Be patient and assuring.  She will come around.

Answer 7

She sounds really scared.she will have spent the last 18 yrs waiting and wondering.now the dream is "real" she is probably freaked out!.remember,she kept you a secret from her family.and,unless she plans to keep you secret for ever,she will have to tell them.imagine the shock!. my birth father didn't tell anyone about me until i re-appeared at age 29!.that must have been a huge shock to his kids,especially as they were in the "wrong" birth order with me being the eldest.your birth mother really needs counselling and help to go through with the reunuion.be patient,write her a letter telling her how you feel,and that you are there when she is ready.it will all work out fine,if handled well!

Answer 8

In the adoption group that I belong to, we have many reunions that start out full speed ahead, and then either the birth family or the adoptee get cold feet and back off.

The best thing you can do right now is give her space and time to process things.

It's not that she doesn't care for you now at 18...it's just she probably never imagined the day would come that you would be 18 and be able to come into her life and "disrupt" the years of lies she has built around you toward your birth family.

Trust me on this, though...don't force her into meeting you...these things can take time (meaning years) to finally have their time and place...the best way to help her, as hard as it is for you, is to give her the space and time to process how to deal with the things surrounding you two, and just letting her know you're there for her if she needs you.

Don't lose hope...but don't force her or it will go exactly opposite of how you wish it would be.

Answer 9

Show up at her house. Seems she is scared. Mail her a letter and let her know that you love her no matter, she gave you life, and before it's too late you two have to reunite.